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Anger. How? What? When?

It's been almost 1 1/2 years since I left my abuser... I never felt "Angry" about the things he did, just accepted that they happened and moved on (or so I thought).

Now, EVERY time I hear someone talk about their abusive husband/significant other, especially when they use the same phrases to describe the verbal abuse I get ANGRY! I don't know what to do with it, it seems to be coming out of NOWHERE. I truly thought I was past that.

How long did it take you to get past the anger factor after you left your abuser?
What did you do that helped manage it?
When (if ever) did it become so intense that you felt you needed to confront him?

I reached that point today... I just wanted to smother him with a pillow, and I haven't even seen him in almost 4 months!


Asked by ObbyDobbie at 10:02 PM on Jan. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Level 34 (70,074 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I left my abuser in March of 08 and I am JUST NOW getting in touch with my anger with the help of my counselor. I didn't think I was angry with him either, only with myself for making the choice to be with him. I can't be of much help since I'm only beginning to understand how far reaching the effects of his abuse are, just wanted to say you aren't alone. When you're done smothering your x with a pillow can you stop by my x's and do the same please?

    Answer by chocolatluver at 10:12 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • Honestly, I still have NightMares, and I have woke-up crying.
    It has been 4 years, for 1 abusers, and 1 1/2, for the other,
    Unless, you count my child-hood.....
    I am still waithing on the Forgiveness Phase........????.
    I am here for you ((( hugs )))

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 10:16 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • As time goes on it will get easier. I left my abuser 4 years September. I have moments where I do get upset/angry. I also have learned the triggers. With every victim, there are situations or words or actions that trigger an uneasy, sometimes angry response. I've found that journaling helps as well as telling the people I'm closest to. It will get easier in time. And it's not something that you just forget (as you're learning.) What also seems to give me peace is talking with other victims and/or helping other victims.

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 10:17 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • thanks... It seemed really strange that all of a sudden I was angry. I had (like you said) been angry at myself for the 7 years I lived in hell, and could have left but did not. I just don't know what to do with it, or how to channel it. I was so angry when I got off of the phone with him earlier (I had to call him so he could talk to his boys) that I seriously began having horrible thoughts of how I could torture him! that is soooo unlike me! it was scary! I haven't had a thought like that since he tried to run me over with the car while I was pregnant... or the time he shattered the 50 gallon fish tank with my head. or the many times he bludgeoned me, gave me concussions... Ok, now I'm getting pissed again!! WTH!!!

    I know what MOST of mt triggers are, but it seems that new ones are arriving every day... I just want to get this crap behind me and LIVE MY LIFE.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 10:28 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • I am still dealing with it, the anger, the fear, the anxiety attacks, even the flinching sometimes.......he's been dead for 25 is way better now though, but sometimes it still comes out, occasionally if I'm under alot of stress in daily life the nightmares will come back.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:52 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • Sometimes we repress these memories and they lie dormant within. It's good that they are coming up so you can deal with them. They are natural. What he did was horrendous and wrong. It's ok to be angry. Let it out. It's time to rid yourself of the anger so you can begin the real healing. It's been 30 yrs since I left my abuser. Yes it gets easier and it will now that you are getting that out. If you could go to a gym and punch a bag that would be helpful but just punch or scream into a pillow if you need to so you don't scare your children. We are here for you if you need us.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:54 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • ME TOO~! I just want it behind me so I can live my life..but apparently the only way OUT is THROUGH, you have to get that stuff out or it will keep resurfacing...coincidentally, I was with my abuser for 7 yrs. too but I didn't go through anything as harsh as you.(((HUGZ)))..I was against counseling initially because I just didn't wanna think about that stuff anymore, I had already lived through 7 yrs. of hell and I didn't want to revisit it fer crap sakes! I wanted to move forward but I was having panic attacks over stupid things and crying uncontrollably apparently because I wasn't addressing the underlying emotions... now I can't live without my counselor, she's really smart and helps me put things in perpective. Do you have someone you can vent to? Have you thought about counseling?

    Answer by chocolatluver at 10:59 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • My sister goes through these same feelings mentioned only she is still with her abuser . Its hard for me to understand because her kids are all grown now and she remains with this asshole and has been for 20 years.She needs to talk to some of the strong women here. I serve as her counselor and try to understand but its hard .

    Answer by chicklet34 at 11:11 PM on Jan. 19, 2010

  • Honey,
    Why were you talking to his boys, If I may ask ?
    Are they your children ?
    This really, may not be good for you mentally ? (jmop )
    Yes, journally, is great--putting things, in writting--helps a GREAT deal ♥♥♥♥♥

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 11:28 PM on Jan. 19, 2010