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Teen issues: and where to draw the line.

My daughter is 14 and over the past couple of years she has begun to test her limits and I am going crazy! We are very protective parents, she has no cell phone, (because she couldn't stay off past curfew) no boyfriends, (because she is just too young), most often her friends come over to our house if they want to spend time together, (so we can monitor what they do cuz some parents don't care), she is an A/B student, and for the most part behaves very well. However, lately we have been dealing with everything from provacative letters that she has written to friends, recently she has been saying that she likes girls instead of boys, and we found out that she has let a boy touch her "down there". She has an aunt who is 15 but who has completely turned into a bad influence, (drugs, alcohol and sex, as well as claiming to be bisexual), and my daughter wants to be able to spend time with her again, but I say no...(cont..)

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jdrae13

Asked by jdrae13 at 12:45 AM on Jan. 22, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 6 (131 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • (cont...) and even so, I have now found out that my daughter has been calling her aunt using other classmates cell phones at school. And not only that, but she has also been talking to a 17 year old girl whom she claims to have serious feelings for...so I decided to take her to counseling to see if we could get an outsiders opinion on how to handle this. Last week, the counselor was very impressive saying that she believes my daughter to be heterosexual, but wanting to get to me with the whole bisexual thing. She told my daughter that if she were truly bi, she wouldve noticed something at a much younger age rather than this past year. And she also said we would discuss the situation with her aunt this week. So today we went, and the counselor says to me, "what are you gonna do, keep her away from everyone who is a bad influence?" And I was just shocked! Isn't that what I'm suppose to do as a parent?! What would you do
    jdrae13

    Answer by jdrae13 at 12:50 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • The truth is, you can't keep them away from bad influences. They are everywhere. All you can do, is hope you raised her right, and that when she is out on her own, she makes the right choices. Trying to shelter her, is only going to hurt her in the long run.
    Punky_1981

    Answer by Punky_1981 at 12:54 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • So how much do I let her get away with before I step in and say "THAT"S ENOUGH!"?
    jdrae13

    Answer by jdrae13 at 12:57 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • ugh that whole "im bisexual" thing can be so stupid. it sounds like she is doint it for the attention from boys. it is cool now to have done stuff with other girls. if she is wanting that kind of attention then you are right...shes headed the wrong way right now....but it really sounds to me that you are doing your best. I disagree with the previous post...you have not raised her right...you have raised her right THUS FAR, you are not done yet!...too many parents quit parenting after the age 14, its like they think that because the kid is stubern and her own person that that is who she is forever....dont give up...you are not done being her parent. maybe try and get her into a new activity, like acting or a sport outside of school or an art class or something...community theatre, volunteer work...something where she can meet new people and get a fresh start somewhere. it sounds like she has fallen into a bad routine
    LadyDahl

    Answer by LadyDahl at 1:02 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • its hard to tell her she cannot hang out with those people because she wont listen to you....just create some oppertunities for her to meet better people . dont exactly close doors for her she will be negative towrad that...open some new ones.
    LadyDahl

    Answer by LadyDahl at 1:04 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Thank you so much, LadyDahl! I feel this way too! Its just getting so hard to know where to put a stop to things without making them worse.
    jdrae13

    Answer by jdrae13 at 1:07 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I didn't mean that she was done raising her. Clearly she hasn't. 14 year olds are not full grown people. She is at that age, when she is going to test the waters. She's trying to find herself. So far, you have raised her to be the person she is. If you feel that it's getting out of hand, then step in. She's not on the road to self distruction just yet. If she isn't truely bisexual, then it will pass eventually. Do you trust the child you have raised so far? Do you think if she was forced to make a choice about drugs, drinking, or sexually going all the way, that she would make the right choice? If you don't, then you need to work on fixing that. Make sure she has better values, and better respect for herself, physically and mentally. What it comes down to, is trust. Yes, she is 14. Yes, she has done some things that can potentually be dangerous in the future. Talk to her about it. Treating her like a child will make it worse.
    Punky_1981

    Answer by Punky_1981 at 1:11 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • With most 14 year olds, the more you DON'T want her to do something, the more she is going to WANT do DO IT. I am curious as to how you found out the stuff she has been doing...trust me spying on her isn't going to instil any of her trust in you. It's a two way street there.
    Yes she is going to test her limits - welcome to life with a teenage girl. The aunt sounds like someone you need to talk to and tell HER to either improve her behaviour around your child or forget about seeing her. However, she will find a way if you try to ban it completely.
    Give her some leeway to make her own decisions - she isn't going to learn anything about life wrapped in the protective little cocoon you so desperately want to keep her in. It's hard, but she needs to make some mistakes on her own to figure things out. Of course, I don't mean getting pregnant or hurt or anything like THAT. But you gotta give her a bit of freedom!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:14 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • As parents, we can't just protect our children. We need to give them the knowledge to make good choices.

    I would start giving her more freedom; as long as her grades don't drop, and her behavior is acceptable, and her chores get done, she gets to keep the freedoms.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 6:26 AM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I say get her involved in art, music, sports whatever turns her on. I think the less free time she has the better off you will be. She will also meet a beter class of people and make friends that you find acceptable.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

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