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How did you decide how many children you were going to have?

When my hubby and I first got engaged we talked about all the tough questions, as for children he wanted only one and I said two. well after #1 I decided I wanted more than 2 becuz I love being a mommy so much! he said no way. I keep pushing it, our lovely #2 is over 1 so I want to go for #3 now but hubby does not want anymore. He said we made the deal at 2. then I remind him of something he promised me wouldn't be a problem but it is and I am being flexible with that. So he should be flexible with my changing wants. his biggest thing is money and his time.
Money we would have enough for 4-5 children if we continued to be frugile and time? I let him do what he wants with his time off and always make time for him and to listen to him. I think I go above most and it is frustrating me. just wondering how you all decided on the magic # or if you have tips for me. thanks!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:02 PM on Jan. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • How many can and will you be able to afford to put through college? :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:03 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • My husband and I both wanted a large family. When we met, I already had one child from a previous relationship. We have had three children together and the possibility of adoption is open with us. I think it is important to really connect on these core issues and not leave them up in the air for discussion later. I think in this instance, your husband has compromised and you have not. It is time for you to step up to the plate and use your love of children to lead you into volunteer work or something of that nature.
    IamPatSajak

    Answer by IamPatSajak at 2:05 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • we will help our children through college but will not pay their whole way. our parents did that for us and we think it worked out fair:) so like I said above, 4-5 (though 5 may be pushing it)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:06 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I just knew since i was a teen i wanted 2, 1 boy and 1 girl, the boy to be first. God blessed me and gave me exactly what i wanted. DH says he wouldn't mind going to 3 but he doesn't mind settling at 2,after all, it is MY body that has to go through with the pregnancy lol. i don't know what we'd do if it were the other way around.
    armywife43

    Answer by armywife43 at 2:07 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • added to 103anon - how many kids can you take care of if job is lost and insurance too. Suggestion since you're at a crossroads with husband - volunteer in a hospital's pediatric unit or set up childcare in a hospital for hospital visitors. Do childcare at your local Y or volunteer to help out at a dance studio with little ones or a bookstore or library with crafts. 4H has groups for young kids too and there are girl scouts for kindergartners also.

    My husband didn't want a first baby -he was very very scared and anxious but we were the opposite of you for our next kids.

    Kids can always be in your life through a job or volunteer work. Nurturing the sick of all ages is important too. We stopped at three cuz we didn't want to hurt in money that four or more kids might have placed us in if an emergency came up.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 2:10 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Kinda sounds like what your trying to counternegotiate with about your husband, in a way gentle threatening him / reminding him way is about a 'secret' of sorts that's not about actually making / bringing a separate breathing life into your family -

    your secret might be a hold of a 'thing' he's done not another human in his family to be responsible for for at least 18 years.

    NOT AT ALL a complaint about you, just a thought of how you worded a comment.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 2:14 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • IamPatSajak, I understand what you are saying but we didn't leave everything up in the air, we had many things settled and then some attitudes changed, like mine towards children. I feel like I have compromised a lot with my hubby. To put it simply I told him it was important that he was a family man, meaning visiting our families, including extended family and he said he liked that too. But after yrs of being away from family, when we returned he wasn't into the family gatherings anymore. I never never pressure him, never take those trips to see extended family becuz it makes him uncomfortable. I have accepted it becuz I love him and that is his only big issue. When he said one child and I said two it wasn't like a battle where he finally caved in for 2. I told him every kid needs a sibling and he said, "true, okay." so his compromise wasn't huge. but I am open to your opinion. I plan on becoming a midwife or nurse.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • we only wanted 2.

    and I had some severe PPD issues after #2 was born - I just couldn't deal with the finality of it. it took a few years and counselling but I finally did get to be ok with only 2.

    then..... the best little OOPs I ever had! I found out after a routine blood test that I was pregnant (I wasn't supposed to medically be able to conceive again). The instant she was born, I knew deep inside my heart that I was meant to have 3 babies. she was the last piece that completes the puzzle of our family.
    hypermamaz

    Answer by hypermamaz at 2:20 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • IfI, no the secret isn't anything dangerous, view my reply! he is a wonderful man and husband, very good good man! and no, I don't threaten him or play games, some times I just remind him how family (extended and all) was always very important to me but I have been fleible with that. and though they aren't the same I just want him to be flexible. Heck I'll take a 3rd child, I don't have to have 5, lol!
    and yes volunteer work is good and I plan on doing lots, especially as my children get older but I don't feel done with having my own. great ideas though!
    and to answer another ?: w/out his job and ins and if I couldn't get any ol job and he was out of work for 1-2yrs? then 3 kids. 3 would be fine with me:)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:29 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I was in the same boat as you. My husband wanted one. The second one was a failure of birth control. I wanted more. He didn't. Frankly, it wasn't going to happen, but our marriage reached a point where I was going to divorce him due to how he treated me over the years. I agreed to stay if he did a lot of changing, and we had more kids. He caved.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:32 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

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