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Trusting my husband again.

I am asking this question to Christian women who do not believe in divorce and believe in giving unconditional respect to their spouse no matter what.
We just started the book Love and Respect yesterday and today my decision to respect my husband was challenged and God won. My husband spent over$1000 talking to people on a porn chat line and when we got overdraft fees and ridiculous phonebills back I asked him about it and he denied it back in dec. They returned the money becuase we disputed it. Then they called him and he gave them my number so they called me and had me listen to a recording of his voice. What he said to the person was disturbing and when I asked him about it he finally came clean but i still don't think he has told me the full truth. I was planning to get a new mac but now I can't because we have to pay the money back with our tax return. I forgive him and I will respect him but trusting him is the hardpart

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on Jan. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I just don't believe that he is being honest and I hate liars. I have felt so neglected and down about myself and I am pregnant with 2 small kids at our house. He always seems so checked out. I just don't understand why he can do this, and I know i don't understand because his struggle is not my struggle. He is just always so adamant about making a change but never does. I believe in Ephesians 5:33 and I will respect him because that is what God is calling me to do. I just wish that he would love me and stop doing this foolishness. I can't even cry right now I think I am in shock or its God's peace. It just seems like there is so much of our money going to pay for things that could be avoided and I don't understand why he thinks that he couldn't get caught when we have the same bank account, I heard his voice, and he looked me in the eye and lied to me. He says there was nothing physical done but how can i believe that?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:27 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I think it is great that you are trying to keep your marriage from falling apart. However, you also have to remember that you can't do that alone, it will take the both of you.
    sandra1023

    Answer by sandra1023 at 3:29 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I know, I just feel like it is all up to me, he can lie, he can leave, he can do all this wrong and now its up to me to scramble around and find someone to loan us the money to pay before 4pm today and make up a lie to them so they don't know what is going on. and he is just gone becuase he is upset. I am trying to work with the collection place about the money and get them to reduce the payment and we don't make much money in the first place. Its like he wanted to get caught. He gave them my number like i couldn't recognize his voice and when I was going to go online to his phone bill to check if the number had been called he was still trying to lie to me about it. and didn't want to say anything. maybe I just need some encoragement ladies, I really feel alone on this one. I have tried so much to build up our marriage and he just wants to have fun. Public success, private failure.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:43 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Really and truly being a Christian includes living in the real world and all that's in it as temptation and as a necessity and, also, as a choice to respect one's self and others.

    Forgiving and trusting run close to hand in hand. If you're having trouble buying a new computer because of lack money because of illegitimate bills and also separate from that uncertainty of what your husband will do on the computer, then for you forgiving and trusting are the same.

    Counseling to find what's Christian in your mind vs. your soul compared against your husband's thoughts could be of help to you. More often a guy and porn hiding it like yours early on lasts way far longer than just a bit. First and foremost you and children deserve the respect of love and honesty nearly 24/7 year round worldwide where ever you each are and where ever you are together.

    Porn can be addictive.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 3:46 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Call your consumer protection department in your county or state and they'll guide you with what to do. Keep all letters, copy all telephone calls incoming numbers on camera and dates, names on calls and in calls.

    also, call your county United Way. I'm sure they have a reputable consumer debt agency in their database.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 3:49 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I respect my husband only because he deserves respect and not just because he is my husband and I am a Christian. Be the man God called you to be. Put your hand on the sword or you will put it where it does not belong. Men, if you do not lead your family, Satan will. These are all things I heard from the Pastor at my daughter's church and I believe in them strongly. YOU cannot fix this alone. His actions are shouting, SHOUTING to you, that he does not respect you, no matter what his words might say. Why do YOU have to scramble around and find someone to loan you the money and now you have to lie? He has dragged you into this mess, HE should be the one to get you out. HE should be the one finding the money, paying the bill. So what if he is upset, that does not give him an excuse to leave and let you fix HIS mistakes. You are more Christian than I because I would leave him over this. (cont)
    TarLion

    Answer by TarLion at 4:03 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • (cont) And DO NOT get a computer. If you think you are in debt over the phone bills, you will be amazed at the debt that can be incurred on porn on the computer. HE has a problem that needs to be admitted, addressed, counseled, and fixed. As for if anything physical went on, probably not. IF this was just a porn chat line that guys talk to and not a sex/dating service, then all it is is a woman on the other end of the phone talking nasty with the man. Most of the time it is a bored, broke, lonely, single woman or housewife that is just trying to earn some extra money. The voice on the other end of the phone does not necessarily mean it is a woman that looks like a porn star. Regardless of that, your husband still has a problem and it will not fix itself, he will not be able to fix it without counseling. This will not just blow over and go away.
    TarLion

    Answer by TarLion at 4:06 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Yes, as Christians wives ar ecalled to respect their husbands. Husband are also called to behave toward their wives as Christ does toward the Church, His bride. Would He call a porn line? No. Your husband has a serious problem, and that problem has led to his failing to fulfill his duty as your husband. He needs to admit he has a problem, and get help for it. You should not get a computer for him to access until he has his problem under control. I strongly suggest you two go to your pastor together and begin marriage counseling and porn addiction counseling, right away. No matter how much you forgive, respect or trust him, he is the one with the problem, and he has to be part of the solution for your marriage to stay together.
    preacherskid

    Answer by preacherskid at 4:23 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Marriage is a personal contract between two people (and in your case God). To make any contract effective and successful BOTH parties have to be committed to it. It's commendable that you want to pull all the weight but God says do NOT be unequally yoked. You should not be pulling all the weight. I read a book by Harold Hill many years ago that says when we marry someone God didn't choose He wants us to rid ourselves of them so we can be matched with the person God chose for us. Don't be blinded by what you want (staying with a liar you have no respect for) in the name of God. Ask God for guidance. Go to HIS book, not anyone else's.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:26 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Preacherskid and ANON :26 - excellent advice and that's what I was trying to get at but I tend to ramble on too much.
    TarLion

    Answer by TarLion at 4:43 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

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