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married with no feelings.......for years........

i been married since 16 and never really had the 'goose bump feelings'..after getting married we fought real bad til he just started never being around much,then hes home alot cuz he dont work much but hes always outside in his garage messing around,working on vehicles,or just bull crapping with the guys in the neighbor hood.When he is in the house hes glue'd to the house,dont wanna help do ANYTHING at all and he dont sleep with me n hasnt much for the past 5 years (he says its the bed or something all time) OR he didnt mean to sleep on the couch again he just cant lay down n go to sleep in bed like i do,he hasta watch tv til he doses off.....we been together 23 years n have a lil boy,and i have tld him 100000000 times how i feel lonely and have for YEARS and years.He always ends up saying im so sorry but nuttin ever changes..........guess were just going thru the motions but suuuuuuuuuuuuure is lonely

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:53 PM on Jan. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Uh, what you are explaining is pretty much the norm when it comes to marriage. You have to have a pretty good friendship established for when those sexual feelings tend to wind down... if you don't your marriage pretty much goes down the toilet. If you look at the couples who have been married the longest, they tend to lead somewhat different lives. He does his thing, while she does hers. It's built on more of a friendship than lustful feelings. Sure, women will disagree with me, but again, they haven't been through it. If you husband wants nonstop sex, well, you have to be afraid of that as well. This means that the times you feel you dont' want sex, he will probably wander till he finds it. This leads to affairs and such. Your relationship might just be something worth holding on to, because you know how it will be when you both get older. Find a hobby, go back to school Do something for you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:01 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • Anon 9:01 that IS NOT the norm for marriage. Not every man strays when their sexual needs aren't fulfilled. Not all men are dogs and cheat on their partners. That is absolutely ridiculous to say. I love how everything revolved around sex in her answer.

    Anyhow. Your husband has to want to change, but he has to first see that there's a problem. He doesn't seem to want to work on the situation at all. You don't deserve to be in a lifeless marriage. You don't deserve to be lonely. Every relationship takes two people, as it is a two way road. If your husband doesn't care, doesn't want to work on it, then you're wasting your time. You're not going to ever be happy in a dead marriage. To me this sounds like he's already walked away a long time ago.

    I think you already know what to do. I think you already know that happiness isn't in the marriage anymore. Maybe it's time you two part ways.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:40 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • I also disagree with first poster. Marriage doesn't Last because of a strong friendship. Attraction is Key to sustaining a marriage as well. My good friend broke up her marriage because she said that's all they had left was the friendship! So, that aint what's gonna keep your marriage long and lively, sorry.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • WTH...that is NOT normal. Being friends may keep you civil when you have no other feelings, but it won't sustain a happy marriage. It sounds like the two of you aren't attracted to each other any more, physically, romantically or emotionally. If all of those are gone, maybe it's time to realize you need counseling or a divorce. Both of you have to try to get back what you've lost or it's never going to work. I have first hand knowledge that kids do NOT benefit from a loveless marriage because of the "let's stay together for the kids" mentality. My sister and I wanted our parents to be divorced years before they did. They weren't happy when we were kids, and they thought they were doing us a favor by staying together fighting and ignoring each other. It sucked. They finally divorced after 26 years of marriage. Both of you deserve to be happy, even if that means happy apart. I'm sorry you are going through this.
    Katlyne120806

    Answer by Katlyne120806 at 11:47 PM on Jan. 22, 2010

  • No, the first response is NOT the norm of marriage. I'm in the process of leaving a marriage where there was no attraction on either side anymore, and we HAD a friendship built up. But marriage is more than just being friends. If marriage were just friendship, we'd all have more than one husband and/or wife. Sex and attraction doesn't just "go away" in long-lasting marriages. You have to have both for two people to continue a relationship.

    If the relationship is that bad and you feel that lonely (which is exactly how I felt when I asked my soon-to-be ex for a divorce), then you have to let your husband know that's how you feel. First of all, you can seek counseling. If that doesn't work or he doesn't agree to it, then it's time to think about going your separate ways.
    AtheistBitch

    Answer by AtheistBitch at 12:52 AM on Jan. 23, 2010

  • Ya know i didnt agree with the first response myself but thought maybe i was wrong til i seen the other responses.....We been married 23 years n i am in noway saying i dont love him hes been my rock to many times to count.The thing is when i ask for some attention or sum of his time he says 'well what about you giving me sum,its a 2 way street' and i understand that n so i do and things will get better for just a lil while (IM NOOT JUST TALKING ABOUT SEX HERE)I have told him over n over n over n over for YEARS how i feel lonely etc..and how it bothers me that he dont sleep in my bed very often,and how he ALWAYS wants to be outside palling around with guys or working on vehicles or what ever hes doing out there.Theres times when hes outside til 12:00 am just goofing off while me n my son go on to bed.Another thing that bothers me is (he doesnt have a steady job,he works odd jobs here n there)so why dont he EVER me in the house
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:31 AM on Jan. 23, 2010

  • When i get up every morning i have a mess to clean laundry to do,beds to make,sweeping dishes etc etc..and while he sets in front of the tv im running around trying to cook and clean etc..im lucky if he even moves so i can sweep under him.NOW he knows how bad this PISSES ME OFF,but 99% of the time he just sets there all into the tv.Then hes outised doing this or that most the day n half the night sometimes.When we are around each other i feel so pissed at him the farthest thing from my mind id sex.Id say 75% of the time im so lonely i could cry,and he knows this and he just says 'well i dont mean nothing by it'
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 AM on Jan. 23, 2010

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