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I don't know what to do. My husband has been incredibly shallow and I can't bring myself to accept his love. I just resent him.

I never have thought of myself as being "skinny". I am 5' 8 and was around 150 when DH and I met. Our first was planned and I gained some extra weight, but nothing I couldn't work off. Well we had a surprise 3 months after our first was born, I was pregnant again. This time with twins!! At that point I was still about 15 lbs more than pre-pregnancy. With the 2nd pregnancy I gained.... alot. I had to be on bed rest the last 3 months of it. After my boys were born I lost some weight, but my body settled in around 175. The first yr was hectic, to say the least. I was caring for 2 little babies and a one yr old by myself, for the most part. After the boys turned one I got a nice jogging stroller and took up jogging every evening with all 3 little ones. I lost all of the weight I had gained and then some. I feel great being "back"..... my husband is the problem. continued

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:04 AM on Jan. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (20)
  • I had noticed our love life fizzling during my first pregnancy, but just blamed it on being new parents. Than after the twins I blamed it on our crazy life. We would go months without sex. He didn't seem interested in me at all. He hardly wanted to talk. Didn't care about my day, or my feelings, or pretty much anything to do with me. He stopped saying "I love you", NEVER complimented me. He just had a general demeaner of not caring and being rude..... until now. Now that I have lost the weight he is like a teen boy in love again. He is all over me and hangs on my every word. He wants to do things to help me out, he tells me I am beautiful and how much he loves me. He does sweet little things to let me know he loves me, and so on. Which should be great, but I just can't forget the way he treated me when I was fat.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:05 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • When I was bigger I still tried hard to look my best. I dressed up on a regular basis, and did my hair and makeup most days. I tried to look cute. I don't think I ever looked really bad, just a little thicker than before. My body still had the same shape, and everyone else complimented me on how great I looked for having three kids back to back. I feel like he didn't love me when I wasn't in shape, that his love is not unconditional. He pretty much treated me like crap back then, and I just blew it off thinking it was stress. Our life is much more stressful now. We have 2 energetic 18 month old boys, and a 2 yr old who is in the "terrible two's" and we are trying to potty train. The only thing that I can pin his loving behavior on is my recent weight loss, and it is killing me. Everytime he shows love towards me I cannot accept it as genuine. I just see him as extremely shallow now. What happens in 10 yrs from now?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:05 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • My body will change shape as I age, I will get wrinkles and grey hair. Is he going to stop loving me then? Is my looks the only thing about me that he loves?? How do I deal with this? I straight up asked him and he basically said "yes". That when I was "fat" he just couldn't bring himself to love me the same as he did in the past. I don't know what the F to do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:06 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • Wow, that really is shallow and mean of him. To be honest, I'd probably tell my husband that if he couldn't bring himself to love me the same because of my weight, I can't bring myself to love him since discovering his asshole-ish attitude. Turn it around on him. Sorry, honey, you can't get any tonight. I can't look at you the same after finding out what a douchebag you can be.

    Sorry, I'm just as upset for you as you are. Good job getting the weight off. I know I wish I could.
    GothicMommy3

    Answer by GothicMommy3 at 1:12 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • I wouldn't stay in that relationship. It's like he has already answered what is going to happen when you start aging or something else happens to your appearance. He seems like a very shallow prick, and you definitely shouldn't put up with it.
    Itsonono

    Answer by Itsonono at 1:13 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • You only gained 25 pounds!!! That is ridiculous!! I know many women who would kill to weigh 175!!!
    He is an a-hole to say the least.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:18 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • Sorry but he does sound like a jerk. I do think that this is something that is going to be hard to overcome. Try talking to someone about this issue (maybe a marriage counselor), and see if your husband will go with you. Maybe he doesn't realize how shallow he is being. Sometimes we are just a "product of our raising", and maybe he was taught to think and act this way.
    peace1234

    Answer by peace1234 at 1:18 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • He's a jerk. He may be more attracted to you at a certain weight. But a good man who loves you would never say he doesn't love you . He would still want you in the end because he truly loves you. People change and you have to wonder if you got hit by a car or something tragic happened would he stand by your side. I suggest you see if he's willing to explain it. If he actually would not love you as opposed to being less attracted then that is clearly wrong.

    SylviaNCali

    Answer by SylviaNCali at 1:24 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • Yes, he's shallow. Perhaps he needs to sit through a few showings of "Shallow Hal" and then have "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" branded on his forehead. Backwards, so he can read it in the mirror every morning.

    KInow what would be the sweetest revenge? Flaunt that body...and don't let him have any. When he asks WHY...let him read what you wrote here.

    Probably petty of me but I'm pissed on your behalf.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:30 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

  • My dear, you have zero actual proof that the reason he's being loving towards you is because you lost weight. It could be that he's just really impressed at all your accomplishments of late! And he could have been treating you poorly before for an entirely different set of reasons that have nothing to do with you at all; for instance, he could have been feeling stressed over providing for all of you or perhaps there were troubles at work. You need to ditch the bitch in your head who keeps prattling on about being shallow and feeling resentful, grab ahold of the present and live the crap out of it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:23 AM on Jan. 27, 2010

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