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THE SPEECH---ABSTINENCE AND PURITY--but if you want birth control I'll give it to you!!!

I was going to talk to my 9 year old daughter about sex, and say all about purity and having a whole heart and feelings and how premarital sex, and sex for the sake of having sex screws up you mind. and all the terrible shit premarital sex has done for me. But then I was also going to say, if a long time from now you are going to hae sex anyway, I will take you to the dr and get you some birthcontrol and condoms. Is this hypocritical or smart or what?? I have been looking on christian websites about purity and abstinence books. Also I have neverbeen married, have two kids and am living with my SO, I do not think I am qualified to give this speech---do you???

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Asked by blue_glass_mama at 1:15 PM on Jan. 28, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 17 (3,982 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Well, our views are very different. I don't believe in teaching Abstinence or Purity. I had sex all through my teens and never regretted it once. Sex is only emotional if you want it to be. So, I'm not teaching my kids that part. But I think even if that is what you want your kids to hear, you have to be practical. Teens are going to have sex, no matter how much you tell them not to - I am proof of that. But you want you kids to be safe when they do it. So saying right up front that I don't want you doing this, but if you are going to do it anyway, I would prefer you do it safely is just good parenting. Besides, the last thing you want is for your kids to hide it from you until they come home with some scary STD... Although I was lucky, I didn't ever use protection because my mother didn't believe in premarital sex - period! I was still at risk, even with her preaching!

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 1:23 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • BE hones with your daughter. Tell her you want "better" for her. You do not want her to make the same poor choices (not trying to be offensive,) you made. Explain to her that you feel early sex was a mistake possibly messing you up. You seem to want better for her. Do not put yourself down though. I truly believe you are trying to protect her from what you have been through yourself. Tell her you are speaking from experience.

    I commend you for talking to her. Make sure you use age appropriate words with her. She is a little young at 9.

    I do agree that kids should be informed, and that they should use safe sex. They will make their own choice and it is better to be safe than sorry. Condoms prevent pregnancy and better safe than sorry. Kids will have sex when they want, wecannot be with them always.

    Good luck.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:24 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • My parents were just like you with my siblings and me. Guess what we all waited to have sex. Our parents talked to us and did not treat us as animals that had no control. My mom said if you don't want a child or an STD don't have sex if you do decide to make the grown up choice to have sex then be a grown up and talk to them about it and get contraception. My parents were very big on making sure we had good self esteem and valued outselves so I think we knew saving sex for someone we loved was important. My parents and my siblings and I never worried about unwanted pregnancies and there was no worrying about getting tested for STD's. I am going to do the same with my kids. We have explained things along the way and now they are older have had conversations. We have taught them the only way to be 100 percent safe is abstinence but if they are going to have sex be a grown up and use contraception. Only idiots do not.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • I think your speech sounds fine. You say that it is best to wait but if she doesn't, she can come to you to help her be safe. Not all teens have sex. I didn't. I'm the product of a teenage pregnancy and got to see firsthand how hard that situation can be. Two 18 year old's don't tend to get jobs that make a lot of money. My dad never graduated high school, my mom got her GED and went to community college when I was a teenager. Things are different now, some 30 years later, there are programs to help but it's still unbelievably hard to be a teen and a parent. Now there are more and more STD's being passed around. There is AIDS. The statistcs are horrifying.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:41 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • My parents never admitted to doing anything "bad" and that never helped me. I had sex while I was a teen and wish I could have came to my mother for birth control because we didn't use any besides pulling out.

    I think your speech is wonderful. Go Mom!

    Answer by Christina2135 at 2:00 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • Being open and honest with your children is what works, i did go to my parents for advice and my parents were very open about their own mistakes, they were teen parents and didnt want that for us. I would have started at a younger age but you are doing it the way that i plan on doing it.

    Answer by Cynthje at 2:45 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • If every parent were completely permissive of everything wrong they actually ever did themselves, then no one would ever teach their kids what they believe is right and wrong; and we'd be in a big mess in our society.

    Sometimes you've got to say "I messed up, but I'm the parent, so it's still my job to teach my kids what I believe is right and what I expect out of them."

    My parents took the rout of -I'm going to educate you on how BC and sex works for when the times comes, but also made it very clear that they expected that time to be when I was married.

    I went out into the dating world armed with knowledge AND a powerful expectation from my parents. I did wait until I was married, and a sibling that didn't still knew how to handle the act with BC level responsibility.


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:54 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • Just remember that it should sort of be ongoing-not just have the talk and be done forever you know?
    My daughter and I talk about different issues with sex at different times- if she has a friend going through something she tells me what's going on and we talk about it, if there is a show on tv or a movie and it is making it look all great and perfect, I remind her that life is not like the movies! If a song comes on somewhere that is about sex- we talk about that. I actually never had "the talk" with her because we have just always talked about everything- a lot of times it's in the car when we are driving around!

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 2:59 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • * along with what the others have said ; )
    and always teach her to love and respect herself

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 3:00 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

  • i think 9 might be too young to be so frank. maybe just talk about the purity part for old were the other posters when they got their honest advice from their parents? just curious, i have a young daughter myself and am nervous about this as well. letting your dd know that she is precious and her body is sacred is good.

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 3:02 PM on Jan. 28, 2010

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