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ok- where to begin? a ? for step parents of teens-

my step daughter who is 14 (i have been with her dad for the past 6 yrs and we have 3 kids together, plus i have a 6 yr old from a previous relationship) recently she told me that her and her boyfriend have gone to 3rd base and after giving it some thought i decided to tell her father so he could do whatever had to be done to make sure she doesnt do anything stupid. so he told her that when shes over here (she lives with her mom) she is no longer alowed to be going out with her boyfriend unsupervised and wut not so she gets mad at me (understandable) but then she tells him that im nosy and she starts talking about how she used to hate me because when i first came around i wouldnt let her sleep in the bedroom with us (uh duh! of course im not gonna let an 8yr old stay in the bedroom that my husband and i are in most likely having sex in!) and she said that she hates the fact that i had all these babies because that means she...

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:14 PM on Jan. 30, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • cant do the things that her and her father used to do before us like going to amusement parks and wut not- and it really hurts my feelings that she feels this way about her little siblings- and also i found out that her mother talks about me to my husband when he goes to pick her up and drop her off on the weekends right in front of her saying things like is she pregnant again yet? cause thats all she knows how todo is spread her legs and make babies- how am i supposed to get respect from this girl if her mother talks about me right in front of her this way? my husband always stands up for me of course, but still! also i have trouble with her when it comes to treating the boys equally she treats my kids that are her half siblings better than my son from a previous relationship and he is old enough now to realize this and be hurt by it- so my question is- do any of u have any s1uggestions for dealing with this situation? thanks

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:22 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • It sounds like your husband is quite supportive of you, be grateful for that much. Many stepmoms don't even have that. I have been on a lot of stepmom message boards over the last ten years and I can tell you that a supportive husband is true gem. Make sure to love up on him and let him know how much you appreciate that. So many divorced dads walk around with their tail between their legs when it comes to the ex and kids, afraid of everything from losing more time to getting support raised.

    Stepdaughters are especially prone to starting competition with the stepmom and trying to get her into 'trouble' with either dad or mom. Check out there are some great articles there for stepmoms, see especially the one about dethroning the queen. Also if her mom is talking bad about you or your husband see the articles on PAS. Also get the book Stepmonster - it a must read for any stepmom! Good luck!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:06 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • I am not a stepmom, but I have been a stepdaughter, and I have watched my mom go through similar things with a (much younger than me) stepsister; which, in turn, shed a lot of light for me on my own stepmother relationship. I can give you my two cents, and you can take it where you will.
    I know I felt, and watched my ss feel for hers, a lot of defensiveness about my mother. I felt torn between loving my mom , and loving my stepmother. loving my stepmother somehow felt like a betrayal-- like it was saying it was OK that mom was so wounded about her relationship with my dad, that all her anger was something I didn't care about. No one asked me to take a stand, no one said I had to make some kind of choice, but it is how it feels. and I "lost" my relationship with dad, going from a devoted one-on-one parent, to one with many other time and energy obligations.

    (Your SD DOESN"T Hate your kids-- she misses having dad to herself!)..

    Answer by MamaBird76 at 3:19 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • Stop competing.

    Love is not a competition, as much as a great many people think it is. You only told her dad what she told you in order to get shiny points with him (if she felt he needed to know, she'd have told him, and I notice you didn't tell her mom, so it had nothing to do with 'her parents should know,' k?) At that moment, you felt all the shiny points from her telling you, so you didn't feel the need to align with her to 'win' her...

    What you did to her was not loving. If you were concerned that she was going to do something that needed some attention, you were the adult in the right place at the right time. Frankly, kids are very good at knowing who will help them and who will pick on them and who will shun them, based on their behaviour --you ignored her wisdom and disrespected a confidence. Be surprised if she ever confides in you again.

    ps. Dad's making you pregnant, so the criticism is at him, too.

    Answer by LindaClement at 3:24 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • and in this situation, dad came down like a hard man, just at a time when your SD is branching out and exploring budding womanhood.... you are in the tough position of being answerable to him b/c she's HIS daughter, when if you were dealing with your own daughter, you could decide what to tell him and what not to, and be able to tell him whether his boundaries are too harsh.

    my suggestion is to be honest with her. get yourself a copy of "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (A great resource for good communication skills with kids of ALL ages!) and ask her for a heart to heart. talk to her about her fears. (be ready to listen, though!) and maybe the two of you can come up with a plan for talking to dad about how you and she can have a womanly relationship, and what the guidelines are for things you have to tell him vs things you don't...then she'll know what confidences you CAN keep, which is fair.

    Answer by MamaBird76 at 3:31 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • Not the question, but some of the answers are why I am so happy that my ex and his wife live 7 hours away.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:47 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • linda- im not competing- i was a stepdaughter too so i understand my step daughter to a point so i try my best to make things easy for us- and as for me not telling her mother- its because i cant talk to her mother- i dont have her number and even if i tried to call her she would curse me out before i could get one word in (i know this because when she calls here if i answer she calls me every name in the book- it got to the point where i dont allow her to call the house number for anything but emergencies. and as for the whole shiny points mess- no i told him because i know how easy it is to get in deep at that age- also it ended up being a good thing because it opened up comunication between her and her father and come to find out- the reason she did it was cause she felt pressured into it which now that we know we are able to talk to her about peer pressure and the likes now instead of after she ends up pregnant or on drugs

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:25 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • also a reason i told is because if i hadn't and she would have gotten caught or whatever she could have said- oh well my step mom knew and my husband would have been mad that i didnt tell him and that would have made things bad fetween us- believe me- it happened before and her mother got all pissy and tried to make a rule where she couldnt come over when my husband wasn't home which made it bad for my step daughter and my husband and everyone involved- so yeah i am not going down that road again

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Jan. 30, 2010

  • its great that ur hubby gots ur back. im a step mom. its a hard job. for starters the ex probably isnt over the break up, not matter how long ago it happened. seems like ur step daughter needs to grow up. u did ur job. im sure ur step daughter does hate all the other kids. she's being feed bs from her mother.

    i was a step daughter. both of my parents were over the break up. both got married had other kids. i didnt start drama with either of my parents. of course us kids fight but I loved every one of them. shoot my mom got divorced and i still call her ex husband my step dad.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 AM on Jan. 31, 2010

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