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should i leave my husband?

I love him but am not "in love" with him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We fight a lot but it is mostly my fault. We have 3 kids and he is a wonderful father. He does not have a job. He relys on his mom for financial support and he is almost 30. He IS my best friend. He has no ambition, a criminal record, and bad credit and I feel like he is holding me back.

I don't know..if I am second guessing myself it means No right? I am trying to state all the facts as hosestly as possible. A part of me feels like marriage is a commitment and I shouldn't run away from it but another part keeps saying that I deserve to be happy. Any thoughts?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:41 PM on Feb. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • if he got a job and started to repair his credit would your views about him change?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:43 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • Maybe it would. When he had a job I respected him more. I don't see it happening though
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:46 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • Why doesn't he have a job? That would really bother me too. It sounds like he has a lot of good AND bad points...being a good father is a major good thing though.... You know, marriage is work - most couples don't float through the years being ridiculously happy without having periods where they really have to work on their marriage. The whole "in love" thing...meh I think you can love someone and fall in and out of love with them....I don't always like my DH....so I do love him but I am not always "in love" with him. That takes work and time together that sometimes we just don't get. So...I don't know. Only you know what is in your heart. We can't really tell you....besides deep down you already know the answer to your question.....
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 11:53 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • well i can honestly say i see where u are coming from, i am going through those same feelings with mine. the only difference is you say that he is your best friend. if you still feel that way about him then u must still care deeply about him. i on the other hand am/was very in love with mine, only he doesnt know how to show it in return, i cant remember the last time we made love for more than 15 minutes start to finish, we NEVER have a deep conversation, i try to talk but he never wants to hear it, i would luv for him to talk to me and tell me how we can make our relationship better, but he wont. i try to communicate with him and tell him things i like/dont like/want to try etc, but he is uninterested! if yours is truly your best friend then you should be able to look at him and tell him the truth like u told us. if he wants to change for you, then work it out, but if he cant handle it, do what makes u happy!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • "We have 3 kids and he is a wonderful father"

    There's your answer...staying with him is what's best for your kids.

    And if you're going to stay together for your kids anyway, you might as well work on the marriage to make it as pleasant a time as possible for both of you. You still love him at least as much as a best friend, so I think you have very high chances of getting through this unemployment thing, and being very happy together in the long run.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • It's up to you if you want to leave him. We can't make that decision for you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • I think you should tell him what you just told of us strangers. Tell him that his lack of ambition is draining you and you want to make it work, but he has to man up. I think if he wants to make it work, he'll step up and do what it takes. If not then the relationship is already over. I really think that men who show that they are driven are much more attractive to women. Maybe thats all it will take for the sparks to start flying again. Either way, I think some marriage counseling and a good talk would help. Good luck!
    Aqua_Jen

    Answer by Aqua_Jen at 11:56 PM on Feb. 1, 2010

  • Stay in your marriage. Do not be so selfish and think only about your happiness. Please, think about your kids if he is a wonderful father why would you replace him for another (unless you are planning to be celibate the rest of your life) The other man would never care for your kids like your husband worst yet it could abuse them! Besides, marriage is not a disposable contract. I understand your frustration I had to paid for all our bills for a year (my Dh was unemployed and did not want to go back to work for 12 months). My hubby is not the best father and he is not my best friend, but we are still civil and live a quiet life. Think how many people the divorce is going to affect. Yours and his. Your kids deserve a mother and a father.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:19 AM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • Your kids will be happy if you are happy. If, after you've tried to work things out with your husband, you are still unhappy that's when it's time to go. Sometimes leaving IS the best thing for everyone involved. I say that because when my mother left my father my family grew. I got a step father, who is far from perfect, but no less a fixture in this family. On top of everything else, if you do leave and I mean AFTER you've tried to work things out with him, you can still love him and do what ever you feel is right for him. My mother still loves my father, she just can't live with him. He knows that, I know that.
    Singingmommy01

    Answer by Singingmommy01 at 12:57 AM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • I do not think you should leave your husband. He is the man you chose to be your husband and the father of your children. He is the same man now that he was when you chose him. What you need to do is to get busy and help him overcome what you see has his weaknesses, just as you should expect him to help you overcome yours. Feeling "in love" is not the basis for killing a marriage. Those feelings will come and go throughout the marriage(been married 45 years on Sat.) and the more loving you act toward your husband, the better will be the feelings. So you go to him today, and you tell him that the first thing that needs to happen is he needs to find a job and that you are going to help him do that. You start sitting down with him and looking through the want ads or searching on line until you find one. You help him dress for interviews, fill out applications and all the rest. There is no more "me"; there is only "we."
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 7:47 AM on Feb. 2, 2010

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