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Help for a newer step mom.

I am having issues with my step kids. For the life of me, my discipline does not work for them. The only person that they listen to is daddy(the youngest listens some to me). Daddy is not here until after they go to sleep so I can not wait for him to deal with it.
Problem with the 7yr old is that she back talks non-stop. Refuses to do homework. And constantly lies and is beyonddisrespectful. Now when daddy is here her homework is done by 430, last night she was still doing her homework after 7, and I was constantly asking her about it/helping. I however can not make her rember her words, she has to. I take things away, spanked, lost priveleges, threatened her with disappointing daddy, I do not know what to do.
Now problem #2 is the 5yr old has done great in School until last 2 weeks. We can not get her to not talk and stay seated. Just now having this problem. They have had a classroom change twice in the last mth. CON

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SuzanneL09

Asked by SuzanneL09 at 2:19 PM on Feb. 2, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 10 (466 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • Cont. Before the class changes she was having at the least 4 great days a week. Now that they have changed class rooms, she is refusing to do anything that they tell her. Me and dh have talked to her about how to act in class and she knows what to do. she can tell you the class rules, but does not know why she is not following them. We have punished her with spankings, corner time,loss of toys, loss of tv. Every morning we remind her how to act and she promises she is going to come home with a smiley face and still has not accomplished it in over 2 weeks. I am at a loss of what to do, nothing seems to work. And to top it off she started the lies like her older sis and says she learned it from her, what to do?
    SuzanneL09

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 2:23 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • .. about the 7 year old, my step daughter was the same way. Have you ever tried just talking to her and telling her what is acceptable behaivor. not with threat , just telling her that way it is. for example. "Please do not talk to me in that manner, it is not polite would you like if it your father or I talked to you in such a way." Changing your response to a situation can change a lot. You can tell her too that you will help her with her homework but will not yell and argue with her to do it. it is her grade and she should want to get good grades and do well. with remembering things, you cannot be sure what kind of learner she is and she may need a different way to be taught that. try responding to her behavior in a non hostile manner and see if its starts changing..with little things . reward system instead of punishment. If you do your homework by 7 then you can stay up 20 min longer and watch tv.
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 2:31 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • also what does dad say, and how long have you been step mom. do they live with you in your home or visit, that all makes a difference. my sitiuation is hard because her mom has her most the time and she is a tyrant at home. i am so glad that she is not so crazy at my house now that we have worked to a better relationship
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 2:33 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • TaiM,
    I do not yell about homework until we are still doing it 3 hours later. She does it promptly is dh is home, and he is not helping her, we do it the same way. We do it so if you finish you get tv time. but after 3 or 4 hours of playing with your fingers etc, you start loosing things you want. I know what she is capable of since she does it when daddy is here. As far as the respect. We have sat down and I have told her many times what I expect from her and what is acceptable and not. We are very involved in church and explained that God tells us to honor our parents. and she understands that until dh is not here and then she turns. She plays us against each other and dh is starting to catch on. And I enforce what I said even if she goes to daddy after she has my answer. And dh does too. She has been asking to call me mom... I do not want this to happen until I see respect. Maybe I am wrong for that, but how I feel.
    SuzanneL09

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 2:37 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • I have them full time. Dh is finally after 5 months starting to see what I am saying. He has started getting on to her for going behind me to get what she wants. They rarely see their mom(for the best to be honest). And that is mom's decision. She left them and did not fight for custody. I have explained to the 7yr old how the lack of respect makes me feel. I have cried so many times over the disrespect and lies...I finally reach a point where I can not take any more and blow up, but have not done it infront of her, I do all i can to hold it in until I am in my room. I basically am their mom, and my family has taken them in like their own as well. I am with them everyday, quit my job to keep them after school and weekends, and go back to school myself. They both are showered with love daily. I make sure that they know I love them reguardless. I do not know what else to try.
    SuzanneL09

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 2:43 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • SOunds like you are in the adjustment phaze. it took 2 years, from age 5 to age 7 for my stepdaughter to mature in those areas,.. you are lucky because living with you they can adjust faster. my step daughter had to go back to her mom and adjust to her and then adjust to us. Since your husband is now seeing the behavior then hopefully they will get better. I am sure it has been a rough transition for everyone. it sounds like you are a wonderful woman to take them in as your children and believe me it is not easy. i read this book that might help you . good luck on your journey..

    http://www.amazon.com/Stepmotherhood-Survive-Without-Feeling-Frustrated/dp/0609807447
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 3:09 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • here is a link , i think most of the book is online here so you might be able to read it for free.......



    http://books.google.com/books?id=CChdFL81J7AC&printsec=frontcover&dq=stepmotherhood&source=bl&ots=WedzPasil8&sig=50rfnSQdbD5G7pVCO6qCBNm_4Zk&hl=en&ei=NYZoS_D7J8iWtgfn0P3TBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CB8Q6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=&f=false
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 3:12 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • sounds so tough! good luck to you, and all i can suggest, now that daddy is more on board is please, never give up on your kids!
    happy2bmom25

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 3:14 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • :::HUGS::: Stepmama it's HARD! I have been a step mama for six years and you will have tough times and you will have awesome times that will def outweigh the tough times. It is so nice to hear that your husband is on board with you, you guys need to be a team! I too have basically the same issues that you have with my stepson. He is 7 and he is mouthy (even though I have been in his life since he was 9 months old, doesn't change a thing!), disrespectful, and at times very emotional. I think, maybe it's not just part of her just being a stepchild, I think maybe it's just this period of growth for them (they are just jerks! LOL, I am KIDDING!) As for the five year old, my son is five and I think that maybe that would be a big change for him. Have you tried talking to her teachers? Come up with a plan of action? I wonder what some special time would do for all three of you, maybe go to the salon and get your nails painted? Cont-
    MamaRoberts

    Answer by MamaRoberts at 3:19 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • Happy2bmom25 - I will never give up on her or the youngest. I have even put off having a baby with dh until she adjust. I am afraid new baby plus getting used to me and dh being married would be too much for her. Now the youngest askes often for the new baby. Those kids are mine. The youngest tells me all the time that I am her mommie because she grew in my heart(now she does not call me mommie). We are not sure where she got that from. I love these kids to death... it is just frustrating trying to figure out how to get them to act right, when you have no experience with kids and the oldest plays you and dh against eachother and dh did not see it.
    SuzanneL09

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 3:21 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

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