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Kind of long but I need help as to how to handle this

I adopted my daughter. I agreed to let her birth family stay in her life. She hardly knows anyof them & doesnt see them but they call.one of the Grandmothers called & was telling her " hey its grandma im ur grandma u remember grandma. im not mean like ur mom. im grandma" and she went on & on about her "mom" being mean & ugly. I know she wasnt referring to me but my daughter thought she was & was very upset. Well my daughter calls my MIL grandma so she thought it was her talking like that.
Then the other grandparents called & were telling her "its granny remeber granny " & the grandpa gets on the phone and does the same thing. My dad was standing in the room & she calls him grandpa so she told him NO you're not grandpa... She knows shes adopted but the whole grandparent sitation is confusing... Would I be wrong if I asked them if she called them something else? She was never really close to them & hardly knows them.

 
HannahLee87

Asked by HannahLee87 at 8:17 PM on Feb. 2, 2010 in Adoption

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Answers (46)
  • Hannahlee, it sounds like you have a plan...and IMO, it is a good plan...IF you put ALL the cards on the table, spelled out in black and white, of what IS appropriate and what is NOT appropriate. My darling husband...(aka Hottie) told me something in the beginning of our relationship, that is so very very true...in all relationships. "If I have done something wrong...do not expect me to know it...if you do not tell me!" This does apply to most men, however some people truly do not see they are doing anything wrong, TELL THEM! This relationship can be great for your children, it just needs to be refined and adjusted, to be a healthy relationship...after all its about the kids, and what is best, good luck, C.J.
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 12:44 PM on Feb. 6, 2010

  • No she should call them something else.
    truealaskanmom

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 8:20 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • how about grandpa ...and their last name, like grandpa smith...
    either way they should not be talking about the mom like that to her

    good luck
    mommymeg03

    Answer by mommymeg03 at 8:21 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • Maybe she could call them Grandpa ~First Name~, Grandma ~First Name~ so its not confusing? I dont know. Just a suggestion.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:22 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • I always thought the birth family was called by their first names. Birth Grandmother or not, she should not be talking to your daughter like that. You need to tell her that she upset your daughter and to please not say things like that to her because it is confusing and upseting.
    lowencope

    Answer by lowencope at 8:25 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • My child is 10, and we have an open adoption, and she calls my parents Grandpa (his first name) and Grandma (her first name) if she's looking to get their attention. She doesn't do it often, but she knows who they are and she knows they're her bio-grandparents. She also calls my ILs the same thing - hubby is NOT her bio dad (he's taken on the role though, we think she thinks he is but she's never mentioned it and neither have we - we being me or her adoptive family), because they're my other kids' grandparents. She calls my brother uncle _____, just like her other aunts & uncles are aunt ___ or uncle ___. She calls me by my first name, as well as my hubby. She used to call all the extra grandparents by just their first names but started adding grandpa & grandma on her own.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • I just don't like that they focus on her knowing what to call them rather than talking to her... They ask to talk to her not to teach her their name.... I dont know maybe just because I'm not in their situation... to me thye should ask hows school..how shes doing... what she likes to do... what she got for christmas....they did NOT have any kind of contact with her when the birth mom had her And I decided to let them in her live but the way their handling it is not how I pictured it...it like they're seperating us(the adopted family) from them(the bio family) when I was hoping we could act as one family for my daughters sake....
    HannahLee87

    Answer by HannahLee87 at 8:36 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • No, it wouldnt be wrong and they should understand. A lot of kids have a couple different sets of grandparents. My son calls my mom G.C. ,short for grandma Connie, he calls my dad papaw Mike,he called his dads mom Nana...and so on. It can get confusing for any little one to call them all the same thing. Shoot...it can get confusing to an adult! lol
    kimberlyinberea

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 8:38 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • I think you need to talk to them and let them know that it was upsetting to her. Her feelings are what matter the most here. You didn't say how old she is, but if she is verbal she can probably tell you what she would like to call them. They will need to respect whatever she decides.

    We started out trying to call the bio grandparents "grandmama" and "grandpapa" (because honestly it took some time for me to warm up to the idea of open adoption). We went to "Grandma (first name)", etc., because it just seemed more natural. If DD had grown up calling them by their first names, she would be comfortable with that instead. Your child shouldn't be expected to change what she calls them.

    Giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they just didn't realize that talking about "mom" being mean and nasty would upset her. They need to know that "mom" means you, and to call her bmom by what you've been calling her. GL!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:23 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

  • It would actually be better for everyone that you have your LO call them something different, it will be much less confusing for everyone. I say this because I was raised in an open adoption, I had my adoptive moms parents, that I called mammaw and pawpaw, my birth fathers mother and step father, which were grandma/grandpa first name, my birth fathers, father and step mother which were grandma/grandpa, last name. I know it's a lot of grandparents, but it was great I had more people to love me, and I learned a lot from every one of them.
    MiddletonFamily

    Answer by MiddletonFamily at 9:28 PM on Feb. 2, 2010

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