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My husband and I have been thinking adoption for nearly a year now, just going back and forth on the decision. I've heard so many wonderful stories and so many horror stories all at the same time. We had planned to adopt from foster care because we believe that those children need a home a little worse than a newborn adoption agency child. (don't bash, but there are thousands of families wanting that one newborn) Anyways, I have to admit I am a little scared of the longterm affects that his/her life before us. Am I being crazy? I'm just scared that we'll adopt a child that we can't control later on in life. Has this happened or does it happen often? My aunt adopted a 6 year old 9 years ago and now he's just uncontrollable. I know it sounds like I am being weird about the situation. I guess I just want to know how often that happens.

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:04 AM on Feb. 8, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (7)
  • I think its normal to have reservations about it...and to worry and wonder.

    But you know, when you are pregnant you dont know what you are getting either. There are so many health problems out there that anything can happen.

    So just view it as giving birth and you hope and strive for the best for your child.

    I mean, if you gave birth to a child and they were autistic or maybe...down would deal with it...get them as much help as possible....and LOVE THEM.

    Same thing, you deal with whatever is handed your way.

    I see your worry, I would be worried too...but if your heart is leading you this way...maybe there is something great headed to your family!

    Good luck!

    Answer by mom2twobabes at 9:07 AM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • i think adoption is a wonderful thing. it is something i would love to do someday when circumstances are right.
    and yes ur right there are good stories as well as bad ones.
    but then again you will have good and bad stories with biological children as well. just think if u had a biological child who turns out to be difficult then what?? and then thk of the adopted child with that in mind and you apprehensions will fade.
    also remember that this child is probably going to have a much better life with you guys than in foster care so you will be doing the child good (may be not as good as you may have hoped but definitely good!!)
    so go ahead and adopt... we need more people like you guys out there.
    maybe you could try counselling to help you handle the initial behaviour stages of adopted children. best of luck

    Answer by happymum2010 at 9:32 AM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • We are adopting our son through foster care and he was 14 months when we got him. It does seem the older they are the more problems that come with them. YOU have to decide what works best for your family and stick to it. You can always say no when caseworkers call you about placing a child in your home, if it's not a right fit, it's just not. Pick an agency that you like to work with because you will be dealing with them for a while. If you don't like your caseworker, find another one. How many children, ages, sex etc... you take in is completely up to you. As far as it goes with older kids in the system,Most of the foster families we know have younger kids like us. Adopting an older child can be difficult sometimes because most often they have such specific requirements that need to be met.

    Feel free to message me anytime to ask more questions. I am happy to help.

    Answer by newmomma14 at 9:57 AM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • I adopted 3 girls when they were 5, 6, 7 and don't regret it for a minute. Yes there were some really bad times, especially with the youngest but there were also lots of good times. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Yes my youngest is still messed up but she seems to be coming around and starting to take responsible for her actions

    Adoption is really not that different from giving birth. Any child can become messed up emotionally, physically, etc. Think of what shape a child you gave birth to would be in if she was raped at 5. You'd still love her and give her all the help you can. Same with a foster child who was raped at 5. You love them and give them all the help you can. The older the child the more unsure they are of theirselves. Goodluck with whatever you decide.

    Answer by baconbits at 11:44 AM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • Whether the child will have issues down the line is a valid concern but you are also not mentioning the major reason why people who want to be parents do not go through the foster care system. The point of foster care is to care for the child til the parents can get custody back. That is what happens the majority of the time with young children.

    People who go through domestic adoption are often doing so, not because they think the child is more worthy of adoption but because they dont want the pain of raising a child and having it returned.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • I admire ANYONE whom has the heart of a saint, and the grace of GOD, perserverence, strength, and a TON of LOVE, that can foster- adopt. I am envious of those whom make such a difference in a childs life, even if only 1 day at a time. I feel Foster adopt, is exactly what adoption is MEANT to be! I disagree, somewhat with whomever said Fostering is about loving a child and then returning them when their parents get their act together...yes I know this is what Foster-care is for, but I think going into this, one needs to be upfront in what they are willing to put into it, and most definately what they want out of it. In other words...maybe going into it, explain up front you and your Hubby are wishing to adopt permanently a child whom has no one to love them???????? JMHO, Baconbits, and so many others on here are highly respected, and I admire them so much, Please keep visiting with them, and ask them, Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 7:09 PM on Feb. 8, 2010

  • I commend you for looking into the Foster Care system to adopt a child. As someone who was adopted privately as an infant myself, my own personal belief is that the older children in the system are MUCH more in need of homes than are the babies of pregnant women. I always get yelled at for saying this, but just because a baby is adopted as an infant DOES NOT mean that they will not have adoption and abandonment related issues. Babies are not Tabula Rassas.

    I suggest that you take it one step at a time, follow the advice of the social workers and then follow your heart. People should parent, not because their children will be well behaved and do everything they're expected to do, but because they love children and want to parent. No child is perfect.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 11:39 PM on Feb. 8, 2010

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