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I've been married for almost 6 months

He bought a house while we were engaged and moved in together. However, he continues to refer to our house as HIS house when he's just talking to friends or family. I finally told him last Christmas that I feel as though I'm a guest in his house. He was surprised and didn't realize he says it all the time. Now when he refers to his house with his ex in the past, he says "Our house" (including his ex in the "our"). They were married 25 years and she left him. I know it is hard to change but it really is beginning to make me mad. Just tonight he said "I'm tired, I think I'm going to lay down in my bedroom and listen to some music." I just looked at him and said "your bedroom." How should I deal with this? It's really bugging me but I know he doesn't do it on purpose - it's subconscious. In a way that's worse because it seems like he doesn't feel married to me if he has this slip all the time.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:56 AM on Feb. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • He is a man, and being a man they are typically oblivious. sit him down and let him know that when he says MY house, etc how it makes you feel.
    sati769leigh

    Answer by sati769leigh at 2:00 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • He knows because I've told him. But I've told him nicely. Maybe I need to get really mad next time and tell him maybe I need to move out because it's not my house. It really is getting to me.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:02 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • If the rest of your relationship with him is fine, don't worry about it to much. He may not be doing this on purpose just remind him in a gentle way that it is now "our" home not just "his"
    ronjwake

    Answer by ronjwake at 2:03 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Ok I"ve been with my husband for 6 YEARS & sometimes I will say "My room". To the kids "Go put it in my room" or "Put the laundry on my bed"....because even though we share it, its still "mine". Its his too. Sure its ours. But its also mine. He refers to the van as mine & to the car he primarily drives as "his". If I need the car I usually say "I'm going to drive your car". We both know its our stuff so it makes no difference to us which pronouns we use to describe it. I still refer to the house my ex & i used to live in together as "our house" (we were together for 10 yrs)...anyway, if it bothers you that much why dont you have a talk with him about it?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:03 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • I'd be concerned too. If he purchased the house before you married then it is his house. Maybe it would help if you were added to the title or deed. Are you helping make the morgage payments? hold on to all of your receipts, if any. Times have changed and paper talks, bullshit walks.
    alejandra559

    Answer by alejandra559 at 2:07 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • You're more worried about what he says then how he acts. Chill. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to correct him, and sometimes guys just dont "get it".
    Itsonono

    Answer by Itsonono at 2:12 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • "I'd be concerned too. If he purchased the house before you married then it is his house. "

    That's the sticky part and why I'm so sensitive to these words. He says that it is OUR house when we discussed all this stuff after getting married. He did put the down payment before marriage so 20% is his technically. So this conflict has an emotional effect on me of feeling I don't know my real place in his life. He says one thing and then unconsciously other words fall out of his mouth "accidentally." He's in his stressful busy season at work right now, so we can't really talk about it because it just stresses him out more and he can't focus on work.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:13 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Honestly, you have only been married 6 months, you shouldn't be worried about things of this nature. You should still be in the honeymoon stage in your marriage. If he bought the house before you were married then more then likely IF you got a divorce he would keep it. But anyway, enjoy your marriage, the more you stress over this house the less time you will have quality time together, it just isn't worth it.
    ronjwake

    Answer by ronjwake at 2:18 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • It takes a while for the "I" to become "we" and I suspect that in cases like your husband's, it will take quite a bit longer. He thought he and his former wife were a real "we" and it turned out she didn't feel that way. Can you not see why subconsciously he would be hesitant to allow himself to think that way again? I would just gently remind him from time to time that you see yourselves as a "we". Maybe he will eventually begin to trust that it is true.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:41 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Its not subconscious.everything that comes out of our mouths is true.we mean it.call it a Fruedian slip.He'll probably never see it as both your house.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:06 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

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