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Is divorce in my future? I hope not, but would like advice.

Hello! My husband and I have been married for 16 years. I recently engaged in an emotional affair (which I'm not proud of by any means). I didn't realize my feelings could run that deep for someone besides my husband. The other man has ended contact, and I refuse to contact him. I've been to a counselor and have been told that if I was 100% completely happy in my marriage, I would not have sought the attention of another man nor let it happen (the emotional affair). I just find that there is no passion left in our marriage. It's like I'm just going through the motions. More the "fit" than the "feel" at this point. My husband is GREAT with our kids and loves me so much, but I just feel I can't reciprocate his emotions. Not sure if this is a byproduct of the emotional affair, but I'm just not attracted to my husband. I find myself thinking of divorce, but don't want to hurt him. Has anyone ever gone through this?

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:13 AM on Feb. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Why would you divorce him? has he been a bad husband? he loves you, he is great with the kids, i hear nothing so far that would be even grounds for wanting a divorce. you are going through the backlash of emotinoal cheating combined with a period of marriage doldrums. does your husband know you are unhappy? why dont you sit down and be HONEST with him, maybe not the affair. but how you feel and that you want to RESPARK your marriage. try putting the energy and effort in to the one you in a committment with instead of taking the easy way out.

    Answer by sati769leigh at 8:20 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Hi! I have told my husband that I'm not happy. We've been in counseling with our minister, but haven't been back in a few weeks as our minister is now in the hospital. My husband wants sex ALL OF THE TIME. This is another contributing factor. He says that having sex helps to build his self-esteem. We are intimate every other night. Have been for the last 14 or so years. I find that because of this, I almost resent it. He gets mad if I don't feel good, won't talk to me, gets all pouty...I know, men want sex more than women, but it gets ridiculous. He knows about the emotional affair, and has actually been trying to help me through it. But, knowing that all the other man wanted was sex and then having my husband ask for it all the time...makes me wonder if that's all I'm good for. I've asked my husband to see counseling from a medical professional, and he won't.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:23 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • i think you should make an extra effort on your part to try to put a little more excitment into the marriage and try to get that feeling back. you dont want to jump into a divorce and then feel like u made a mistake. personally i dont agree with your therapist, i believe women stray for more reasons than just unhappiness. try new things or have some romantic alone time maybe new sparks will fly.

    Answer by hostlerak at 8:24 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Our feelings follow our thinking. You have been thinking about another man, and before that, you were no doubt thinking negative thoughts about your husband. It is our natural tendency to concentrate on the negative traits of our spouses rather than on the positive ones. Sit down today and make a list of every good thing you can think of about your husband and begin to think on and express to him your appreciation for those traits. Be sincere about it. He will spot the phoneyness if there is any. Then determine to do one loving act for your husband every single day. Make it something that you know says to him that he is loved for the person that he is, not for what he does nor how he makes you feel. If you will consistently do these things, I promise you that your feelings for him will return. Feelings are very fickle. Happiness is a choice and it has mainly to do with what we give and not what we are getting.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:37 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • He loves you & is great with the kids. Imagine life with out him, would you be ok? The grass is not always greener. Do you work at your marriage?

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:13 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Are you basing your feelings on the emotional relationship? It was basically an infatuation thing going on between you and your "friend".

    You should realize how lucky you are to have a loving, dedicated husband. A lot of women who are in bad marriages would love to be in your shoes. Stop being selfish! It takes TWO to make a marriage work so you need to step up and do your part!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:07 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Your DH does not need counselling for wanting a regular sex life with you. Honey, happiness sometimes takes work and right now you need to stop blaming him for everything and look within yourself. If you are not happy with yourself then you can do something about it. But stop doing what a lot of us women do, not holding ourselves completely accountable for our wrong doing. You said in your original question that you had an emotional affair, then a few post down you basically slammed your husband for wanting to be intimate with you. After 16 years he still sees you as hot and sexy? you need to count your lucky stars. He doesn't need to see a doctor and for you to suggest it is a sign that you are looking to place blame on him for your own bad choice. Show him some love any way you can and stop blaming him for being a normal husband. It's lucky he didn't leave you and if you keep blaming him your luck can run out.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:59 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • I am anon 9:59 sorry if that was harsh but you do need a reality check. DH is a great guy and you don't realize you are blaming him. Honestly if the tables were turned would you have stayed with him. Would you make all the effort that he is making? Men are very sexual in nature and if a therapist is telling you different then you should find another therapist. If the therapist is trying to help you blame your husband, find another therapist. A good therapist will help you see where YOU are responsible and help fix YOU. A good therapist will tell you the nature of both sexes and go from there.


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:07 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • Well, if you don't love someone then why go through the motions and fake it? It will only be more hurtful and possibly cause resentment later. I don't get people who say to stay because there's nothing ELSEe wrong. Sorry, but if someone loves you and you don't love them back...wouldn't you both be better off finding happiness with someone who loves you the way you love them and vice versa? You don't stay solely to make someone ELSE happy. Find your happiness too, wherever you decide it is.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:11 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

  • If you don't find the reason within yourself of WHY you cheated on him then you will not have a happy life period. You will be looking from man to man and manage to find a flaw in each and every one of them and dump them too. You HAVE to find out why. It is not the fault of your husband and until you stop saying it is his fault and completely take ownership, you will always be unhappy. Fix what is wrong in you. Otherwise you will be searching your whole life.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:16 AM on Feb. 9, 2010

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