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How do I fix this??

I have two grown children,and my fiancee has two teenagers.Latey he has been picking on the things that my kids do or say,the way they do things..etc. I jump in and try to defend them by telling him that yes..they are young and need some help to do things sometimes.When I try to express how I feel about his kids and the things they do,he doesn't see it!!How can I marry a man who is always downing my older children,and still thinks that his are angels and do not a whole lot wrong??We have been fighting over this for awhile now,and it hurts the way he talks about my kids...and it makes me really mad!

 
momz1970

Asked by momz1970 at 5:10 PM on Feb. 10, 2010 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • In my opinion, you can't. Although your children are grown, and *technically* no longer need you, they do still need you...just in a different way. And adults or not, marrying him while he exhibits this kind of behavior, sends a message to your kids that he's more important than they are. Adults or not, I think we still all want to believe that we would be more important to our parents than to be treated and talked about that way. I'm very lucky that I found an SO who loves my kids and wants to help me raise them...I feared, for years after my divorce from their father, that I would not find a guy who would be accepting of my kids. Finding my SO was literally like a dream come true for me. If you've tried to talk to him, the only other option besides leaving that I can see is to see if he will consider counseling of some sort to resolve this issue. Good luck, hon!
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 5:14 PM on Feb. 10, 2010

  • This is one of those things that's not really fixable, I'm afraid. If a thrid party can tell him he's being an ass, would he accept that assessment and try to change? If you think he WOULD...then insist on premarital counseling. If he won't go, start calling him your EX-fiance.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:19 PM on Feb. 10, 2010

  • I would not marry him. This is a perpetual problem that will not just go away......perhaps counseling would work, but in my experience, this issue is too big for you to get into a marriage and ignore.

    My husband and I see completely eye to eye on issues with my 20 year old daughter. We agree on EVERYTHING concerning her because we can both see TRUTH plainly and clearly. One of you is disillusioned and one of you sees truth....or both of you are equally disillusioned about the children, in differing areas.

    You should not marry him. If you do, all children involved will suffer and so will your relationship.
    TLALONDE16

    Answer by TLALONDE16 at 6:31 PM on Feb. 10, 2010

  • TO ME.............................
    This is on-coming verbal abuse.....
    NO !!!
    I would not marry HIM.... HIS children are better then mine ?

    GROWN or NOT still my children !!!!
    I am here, if you want to look into this................
    SissyAnn141

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 12:31 AM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • maybe there ia an under lying problem and knows the best way to get to you is thru your children. i would confront him and try to find out the real problem. misslj
    misslj

    Answer by misslj at 8:01 AM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I would not marry him. This is a perpetual problem that will not just go away......perhaps counseling would work, but in my experience, this issue is too big for you to get into a marriage and ignore. My husband and I see completely eye to eye on issues with my 20 year old daughter. We agree on EVERYTHING concerning her because we can both see TRUTH plainly and clearly. One of you is disillusioned and one of you sees truth....or both of you are equally disillusioned about the children, in differing areas. You should not marry him. If you do, all children involved will suffer and so will your relationship. ******************************************************************************************************************************************


     I agree with this except for one thing. You say he has been doing this "lately." Has something recently happened to sour him on your kids?

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:49 AM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • It's time to back off from the thought of marriage. When you have doubts like you voiced, pay attention to them. You know yourself and this man better than any of us other mamas. Can you work on resolving the issue? Maybe even go to premarital counseling? If this is an issue that cannot be resolved, perhaps it is time to let it go. Good luck hon.
    duckigrrl

    Answer by duckigrrl at 1:32 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Hello You definitely need to have a set down discussion with him !  Bottomline .. You both have children from other past relationships he needs to treat your kids the way he treats his .. It would just have to be that way or he wouldn't be a part of my life If you dont get this understood im afraid you will go into this ending in regret , He has to love your children just as he does his own . And im sure you treat his kids good !I wopuld pray about this and have a serious heart to heart talk with him ... best of blessings with this .. God bless you

    sweethonesty520

    Answer by sweethonesty520 at 5:53 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I couldn't accept any man who was not GOOD to my child. Period.
    I would never marry someone that I did not think treated my child right. I feel like when we become parents our first obligation (and the most fulfilling) is to be a good parent to our children. I am a divorced woman, who has remarried. My DH considers my son his own. He treats him as such in every way, and if he hadn't from the beginning, there would be no "us".
    mommy11260

    Answer by mommy11260 at 1:27 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Not the right man for you. Neither of you should be saying anything bad about each others kids. If you can't lovingly open your arms and accept them as your own even if they're grow you have no business being with that person.
    mrsjonzy

    Answer by mrsjonzy at 12:42 AM on Feb. 13, 2010

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