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What to do when your daughter is the "mean girl"

This is for a friend (really!). She's realized that her 5th grader is the dreaded Mean Girl and doesn't know what to do. Her DD is very sweet when there are adults present. Once it's just the girls around, though, she turns pretty hateful, putting down everyone who dares to disagree with her in anyway. She realizes that it needs to stop but doesn't know what to do. She's talked to her daughter (who of course denied it) about how what she is saying is wrong. Her DD tried the "of course it is, Mom, bullying is always wrong..blah,blah, blah". Thankfully, my friend saw right through this. She told her daughter that if she hears of anymore of this behavior her phone is gone, which it was within a week.
She got a call today from school. Her DD was caught by a teacher ripping apart another girl. She grounded her daughter from her plans this weekend. She doesn't know how to get through this girl. Any advice?

Answer Question
 
indymom22

Asked by indymom22 at 7:05 PM on Feb. 11, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 5 (73 Credits)
Answers (20)
  • I honestly don't have any advice, other than keep taking away priviliges until she stops... But my first thought after reading this was "is her name Heather?" Heh... Sorry.
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 7:08 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Not saying it's okay, but tweens and teens can be vicious and it may just be part of growing up. She may need to back down and let kids learn how to handle these things on her own, but maybe have a talk about people and feelings, and do unto others etc...
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 7:08 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Anouck, that's funny!
    indymom22

    Answer by indymom22 at 7:10 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • She needs to talk to someone other than her mother. a therapist might be a good idea here. This girl reminds me of me when I was in 5th grade. Every time I would talk to my mother or father about things..somehow it would always come back to haunt me later. She might feel she cant talk to her mother and she should really get her some help now before it gets worse. I ended up getting sent away when I was 16...best thing that ever happened to me. To this day I still dont talk to my parents!
    ellegrl

    Answer by ellegrl at 7:11 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I am SO glad I'm not the only one who remembers that movie, heh.
    Anouck

    Answer by Anouck at 7:13 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Ask your friend where her daughter learned this behavior. Most children learn by example, if your friend is not like this who is? Maybe they can limit exposure to whoever is showing her this behavior is okay. Make her write an apology to the person she hurts, contact the teacher or school counselor and make her give the child a written apology. Alittle humilation will not hurt and she will get to see that she has to make amends to the young people she abused. If she breaks something of theirs, make her buy a new one with her own money.
    CorrinaWithrow

    Answer by CorrinaWithrow at 7:18 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Its really normal for them to go through this, and peer pressure also starts playing a part at tween age and above. Its important for your friend to sit her down and explain the long term damage that can happen when someone is bullying on other kids. She might not think it is bullying but being mean is emotionally and mentally damaging for those on the receiving end. Maybe she can have her meet some former "nerds" who are now adults and they can tell her what it was like.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:26 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I would be careful not to jump right to therapy, sometimes it draws attention to the problem, that could really just be true growing pains. My mom used to throw me into therapy for every little thing that happened with me and I think I may have had a complex after awhile. This may just be a situation in which the parent need to do their job and teach the child a priceless life lesson that she needs to become a productive adult. I think if she understood why it's wrong, and believed in it, it would matter more than just taking away priviledges(not that I don't agree with removal of them!).
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 7:37 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • " Make her write an apology to the person she hurts, contact the teacher or school counselor and make her give the child a written apology. Alittle humilation will not hurt and she will get to see that she has to make amends to the young people she abused."

    Oh, I like that! So simple and neither of us thought of it. Talking doesn't seem to be helping. Maybe this will begin to help.
    indymom22

    Answer by indymom22 at 7:38 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • maybe you should have a friend purposely give her a taste of her own medicine then ask her how she felt when she gets home.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:09 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

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