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Abuse, now what do I say to her?!?! Very serious and very scared...

I can't really say that I have ever really liked my sister's husband, she used to call and complain about all the shitty things he did to her, but then it occurred to me that she is not real great to him either so I just decided to bite my tongue and let her live her life (she is 25). She called my sister the other day and confided in her that she and hubby had gotten in a fight (over the TV volume) and that he pulled a loaded gun on her, cocked it in her face and told her he was going to fucking kill her. She is still with him. She didn't leave. I have not been able to get a hold of her yet (she is at work, I am not concerned anything happened), but I need to know how to convince her she has to leave him. She is justifying what he did as okay because he never hit her... I don't want to get a call one day from someone 8 hours away telling me my sister is dead. Please give me some advice!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:33 PM on Feb. 11, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (16)
  • You can't make her do anything unfortunately, besides tell her your concerns. Maybe she is scared to leave him?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:36 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • There is nothing that you CAN do. She has to decide to leave him. Unless your other sis said its ok to say something about the gun thing, i woudn't bring it up because she CONFIDED in her. IF you do say something, say that it isn't acceptable and she needs to do something about it. Get hurt or get out, basically.
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 9:36 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I am so so sorry! You must feel so powerless right now and feel like you need to do something at the same time! First It has to be HER CHOICE. You can beg, plead,cry, drag her out by her hair, but in the end it comes down to her. I would be careful not to interfere too much, you might piss him off and you could end up hurt. These things don't end well. Does she have kids? Maybe contact a social worker anonymously, they could refer you to the right people. Tell her how much you love her and that you are here for her no matter what. Offer her a way out. But remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! Hang in there.
    Steff107

    Answer by Steff107 at 9:37 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • If him doing that to her didn't convince her to leave then she is in some major trouble. He's likely been abusing her either emotionally (mentally) or physically for a while if he has her brainwashed into thinking that is ok. Oddly enough I'm taking a course on this very thing this week at work. There are a ton of factors that I could ask you if he has but bottom line is this. 1. He has a gun. 2. He told her he was going to kill her (the fact that he didn't doesn't mean he won't...but he's making her feel like she should feel lucky that he had the power to kill her at that time and didn't...welcome to Stockholm Syndrome) and 3. If this is his "escalation" she is in big trouble. However leaving him could be the thing that sets him off to really hunt her down and kill her so if you are going to try and help her do that, make sure there is a safety plan in place. Contact abused women shelters to get their advice. GL
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 9:39 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I don't want to sound like a scary know it all sorry...I just know from all the domestic violence homicide information I have received his week this is definitely very serious. Feel free to friend me or pm me if I can answer any other questions for you ok? I live in Ontario Canada so if you're up my way I'd happily help you with resources but I find most moms in here are in the U.S.....
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 9:57 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • OMG !!!!!!!

    Honey, This realy Scares me.....BUT she has to want OUT...FIRST .......

    You are welcome to come to my profile and PM, me.

    I am a DOMESTIC ABUSE GROUP OWNER, and we can support ,you through this.....
    BUT SHE HAS TO DECIDE THIS IS ENOUGH !!!!!!

    She may just need to know, someone cares and SHE HAS A WAY OUT !!!!

    I DID :(
    SissyAnn141

    Answer by SissyAnn141 at 10:11 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • What all of them said, if she's not ready to leave you can't make her, he's like a drug she can't put down till she figures out its gonna kill her. If you come across as too judgemental or freaking out she'll stop telling you what's going on & when she is ready to leave she'll feel like she can't come to you. Unfortunately the best thing you can do right now is tell her you love her & support her no matter what, whether you agree w/ her decisions or not. Don't judge, love. This isn't up to you, she has to save herself. Work on building her self esteem & self worth. Start saving some $$$ for when she's ready to leave, she's gonna need your help. Most abused women take 7 major events before they really leave & many end up dead for leaving. Educate yourself on domestic violence & why women stay, only then can you begin to comprehend why she stays. Stay strong for her!
    Nyx7

    Answer by Nyx7 at 10:18 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • I was hoping you were around for this one Sissy :)
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 10:36 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • Wow, that's denial at it's best. She needs to understand that this time it's pointing the gun and next time may be pulling the trigger. Ask her if she wants her children being raised by him and his next victim he'll find to take his crap and raise her kids?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

  • If she is still with him after that clearly there is nothing you can do to make her leave. Stay out of it and let her figure it out for herself. How do you even know the gun story is true?? No one ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:37 PM on Feb. 11, 2010

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