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Really need advice- Please help me

I need help. My husband is addicted to the computer. Not games but porn. Every time I turn around he is on sites. It went so far as to chat rooms, profiles, nude pics of himself, webcams. I caught him quite a few times. Then I "forgave" him. In the meantime I am still really hurt. Our sex life is down to nothing. I can't even bring myself to do anything. Even kiss him. My second child is here beacause I wanted him not my husband. I thought it would get better. I have gotten into his computer and see everything he does- every night. All porn. Now craigslist casual encouter ads. WTH am I supposed to do. Divorce- counseling. I don't know. I have 2 amazing children, and I will not subject them to a loveless marriage. I must also tell you my husband does nothing around here. NOT a thing. I do everything. But if I leave I am so worried of "hurting" him. Please don't bash me. I just need some advice.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:55 PM on Feb. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I alos deal with this, but not to that extent. No matter what I have said to my dh he just keeps it up. It's very hurtful! I even find lube next to the computer! All I can say is that I know how you feel. If it were me and my husband was doing webcams and looking at "sexual encounters" on craigslist, I'd have to leave. To me, he is showing intent of cheating if he hasn't already. Don't worry about hurting him when he's clearly not worried about hurting you! Keep your head up and stay tough!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:58 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • If it were me in your shoes, I would leave. That would be my choice. You have to do what is right for you. But this problem will not go away by itself and your husband will not stop on his own. You say you are worried about "hurting him" but he obviously does not care if he hurts you. So why give him the consideration??? You need to do what's right for you and your children because his actions show he does not care about you. What you describe is way more than just looking at a little porn, he has a problem, an addiciton, and by what you say he is headed to an affair, several affairs, one night stands, etc. Is that what you really want from your marriage? Counseling won't work if he doesn't think he has a problem. You don't have sex anymore because you cannot compete with porn, no one can. There is a group on CafeMom called Wives of Porn Addicts, I suggest you join as they understand much more about your situation.
    TarLion

    Answer by TarLion at 5:03 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • girl, my first peace of advice is to sit down with your man and tell him how you feel. do not let him move, only listen. counseling will help if he will go. make sure when you try to talk to him about it, be easy approach it with love. tell him you want to be with him, but his behavior hurts you and can not be accepted. when your kids are older they can stumble on his hobbies, ect. if you would like someone to talk to please message me. i have been through it myself!! we have come past it!

    Maria
    marianance

    Answer by marianance at 5:07 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Dear OP: I am sorry you are facing such a tough, hurtful situation. To me, this is adultery....regardless of if he has been with someone physically or not. His mind and heart are not with you right now. Regardless-it is clearly crossing a boundary with you that is causing issues. Addiction is a real, harmful, harsh indulgence that often needs intervention. I would suggest seeking professional help and seeing if your husband will do the same-afterall he is really the one that needs it. Does he feel it is a problem? Even if he doesn't, will he consider your feelings on the matter to find a solution? If he is not willing, I would make a deep, serious evaluation of this relationship (that is jumping to many conclusions). Best wishes to you and finding resoloution.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:07 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • op- wow. Thanks. I didn't know there was a group. I caught him on a site with profiles. Chatting with women. His profile stated married with kids! And he had the nerve to write my wife is pregnant with our second child and I am looking for someone to chat with. My god. I don't know if counseling will fix this. I know he has an addiction. I am well aware he has a problem. I just don't think he does. I am so lost. A divorce would be a huge mess. He works with my family and the house, etc. But I have to do what is best for me. I am so ready for a real relationship. EVery valentines day, bday, anniv, xmas, etc comes and goes without a card or even a mention. Mother's day- nada. How can someone not care enough to even buy a card. I deserve better.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:12 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. Does he even want to keep you? It doesn't sound like he is at all sorry for doing this to you. Have you heard of Mark Gunger? www.laughyourwaytoabettermarriage.com. He has some great podcasts that might be helpful, and if you e-mail him, he will respond personally. I know what he'll tell you, though. He tell you that you need to set boundaries for your husband by saying, "I'm not going to live with this. I'm leaving now, and if you want to be with me, you're going to get help with your porn addiction. Then we can talk." It's not punishment, it's GOOD for him! God gave us women to men to be a spiritual helper, and according to Gunger, if we put up with this kind of stuff we're failing them. Good luck, mama!
    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 5:21 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • oh gosh hun! I am so sorry for your pain. what adelicious said is great advice! and reading the part about failing our husband if we let them continue such destructive behavior breaks my heart. I hope things turn around for ya. cuz you will probably have to leave him in order for him to get things straight. gl.

    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 5:25 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • he needs some very serious counseling cause he has a porn addiction. this is why men shouldn't be allowed to watch porn they get hooked on something that is all staged and unrealistic and gross. i assume some women get hooked as well. porn is a plague. he has to accept he has a problem and seek professional help to stop. i would start there and get blockers to block out the sites with his approval but never tell him the passwords. this will only get worse and i hate to say it could become into liking child porn. i would say get help or i'm leaving. if he truly loves you and your kids he will get the help. you can't just condone what he does. an ultamatum is your only recourse at this point. leave until he seeks the professional help and when you see he has improved come back into his life. seek help for yourself as well. this can't be good for you self esteem wise. i'm so sorry this must be super hard on you.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 6:02 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Cancel the internet and find a good therapist.
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 12:32 AM on Feb. 13, 2010

  • Next time he is at the computer go over to him...turn off the screen and go down on him. Show him what he HAS right in front of him. I have so much more advice for you but...if you want a man to quit that you have to be prepared to take on all of his sex drive. All of it. Message me if you have more questions. I have a ton of advice. I got my man to quit that. Helps that my sex drive is higher than his though. Please message me. I know it's rough.
    Tickledtrauma

    Answer by Tickledtrauma at 3:27 AM on Feb. 13, 2010

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