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What do you consider abuse?

Some women consider being called stupid, or told to shut up to be the worst possible thing in the world. While others endure a misery that few are ever aware of- and upon leaving the situation are shunned for ever having been in it, as though it is their fault for having been abused.

I am curious why (women in particular) are so hateful towards other women, especially in their greatest time of need?

It is true that some stay, even after multiple attempts on their lives... I was one of those- My reasons seem silly now, as hind sight is 20/20. It is not as easy as simply walking away- For some, who have experienced only verbal abuse, perhaps. But for those who live daily in fear, it is not- The homicide rate quadruples when women try to leave their abuser- Why is it so complicated to offer support, rather than being an abuser your self?

Answer Question

Asked by ObbyDobbie at 7:14 PM on Feb. 12, 2010 in Relationships

Level 34 (70,074 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • I grew up in a home where many types of abuses took place. Physical violence was a daily occurance. For a very long time I was angry with my Mother. I couldn't grasp why she couldn't just leave. It was long after I was an adult, and graduated nursing school before I realized how ignorant I had been. A woman with 5 kids..esp in the 60's and 70's couldn't just up and leave. Shelters were few and far between and that certainly was part of it. The other part was an abuser emotionally and mentally breaks you down to the point you don't believe you deserve...or are strong enough to have a better way of life.

    Women can be so judgemental to one another. In the times they need each other the most we tear one another down the most.. You can't change how others act...but you can change yourself, and how you respond to others.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 7:33 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Obby- I sympathize with what you've been through. I don't think people should be verbally abusive to you because of the choices you've made. Can you at least try to see the other side of this as well? I'm not going to offer support for women to stay with abusers because I believe the only real victims are the children. They have absolutely no power in these situations. Women do have the power to leave and as much as people like to pull these so called stats on the rates being higher for homicide when they leave, there are stats from the FBI to show you that homicide and serious injury are increased if you stay. I'm sorry for what you've been through and you didn't deserve it. Some women need a wake up call with a fresh dose of responsibility to get them out of the situation they are in. If you turn it around and show these women that they are allowing their children to be abused, they might get out faster.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 7:43 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • People get afraid and don't know how to react. Sometimes abuse is so bad that people don't believe the victim. A lot of victims are so good at hiding years of sick sick sick abuse that when they come forward, no one believes them. Also, I had a witness refuse to make a statement bc she thought my ex might harm her. A lot of people are afraid of getting involved.

    But the rude comments, name calling, etc is wrong. I just don't understand why anyone would be nasty to a victim of abuse. You wouldn't be nasty to someone whose home burnt down or got breast cancer.

    Answer by ecodani at 7:45 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Legal- I see your POV, and absolutely agree... my children ARE the reason I left, however- I was not even referencing myself in this blanket statement, but generalizing something I see over, and over again.

    Eco- You are absolutely right about people NOT BELIEVING what a lot of us have been through. In their minds, it is something that happens in a horror movie, not IRL. Often when a woman DOES ask for help, she is met with disbelief from those around her, and told that she is crazy (which is exactly what most abusers grind into you- that no one will believe you. It is, unfortunately very true).

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 7:51 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Obby- I am referencing you in my post because I have seen posts where you have talked about the dv you've experienced. Just letting you know I'm not the evil cold-heart bitch that you think I am.


    Answer by legalmommy101 at 7:56 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Legal- I may not always agree with you, but you know I agree to disagree. I do not believe you to be a coldhearted b!tch.

    I have met several women who have tried to leave, and been made to feel so completely worthless by other women, feeling they had nowhere else to turn, they went back. It baffles me WHY we can't help one another. Or why people refuse to believe what the abuser is capable of. There are things that a man can do to you that make death seem small.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 8:46 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

  • Isn't it interesting that abused women who don't leave immediately are abused verbally by women who simply don't understand? Maybe they think the verbal abuse from a stranger will be incentive enough to leave a man who abuses the woman ...even though he claims to do it bc he loves her. It's all confusing. It took me a dozen attempts to get away before I could stay away. He either dragged me back or financial issues forced me to go back. No matter why someone goes back, these women need support not more abuse.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:44 PM on Feb. 12, 2010

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