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Moms of adoption - has your child asked about birthfather? Adoptees - did you?

This is to all in the adoption triad. It seems like kids of adoption usually wonder more about their birth/natural mothers, especially if they are hoping to reunite. I could be wrong about that, though, and would like to hear from adult adoptees as well.

Amoms, if you have contact with your child's bmom but not the bfather, at what age did your child begin to ask about him? My husband told me that he just talked with our 5 year old the other day for the first time about her birthfather. We have a lot of contact with her bmom and her family, but we've never met (or been able to locate) her bfather. We've mentioned her cultural heritage briefly, but she had never put it together that there was also a birthfather, and we weren't sure how/when to approach it since we don't know how to find him. She seemed to accept it as no big deal

Just wondering about others' experiences.


Asked by Iamgr8teful at 7:28 PM on Feb. 14, 2010 in Adoption

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This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • I am an adult adoptee. I never had an interest in knowing the man who fathered me which ended up being a good thing because he was a horrible person. I had always felt a strong connection with my First Mother, which I understand, is more typical of adoptees to have connections to their First Mothers but not necessarily feel the same about their First Fathers. There is a special bonding process between a mother and child during pregnancy and birth. While an infant or small child may not have cognitive memories of the seperation occuring, their emotional memory is still absolutely recording their feelings of loss and confusion over being taken from the mother that had just carried them for 9 months. The bond is still there for me and my First Mom, even 25 years later, despite the hospital and agency doing everything they could to keep her from being with me.

    I have two mothers that I love very much.

    Answer by NovemberLove at 12:04 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • my 11 year old gets information concerning me and his birth father. has his whole life. his Mom and Dad are very open to it.

    Answer by sati769leigh at 7:36 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • Sati, I love hearing about birthfathers who are in contact with their children. My DS's bfather is unknown to us, and DD's bfather is someone we'd like to meet someday but we don't know how to contact him. BTW, congratulations on your reunion!!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 8:35 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • OP, My LO isn't talking much yet, but I have the same concerns. I know so little about the birth father. I know that he chose to relinquish, didn't do services from day 1, and honestly don't hold it against him because he told the SW that "he just couldn't go thru it again." Their 1st child was adopted by his family and DOESN'T know that he's the father. He said that he already knew what it was like for one son to call someone else daddy, and he just couldn't do it again." I respect his feelings, and hope that they change later when he's older. (Both of them. DS and BDad.)

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:23 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • Wow, DBF, I didn't know that. That's sweet and kind of sad. This means that your son has a biological sibling. I hope his bfather eventually decide that he wants to meet his/your son.

    My DD's bfather supposedly has a daughter by another woman (that he is no longer with). My daughter wants a sister so badly, but I have no idea who her mom is or how to get hold of her. DS's bmom said that DS's bfather is unknown to her (guy in a bar).

    It's hard when we want to help our kids have access to information and know their birth families, but we still have to respect everyone's wishes.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:35 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • We do not know who the birthfather is of my son. My three year old has not asked specificly about him. He has asked about why he is black. I tell him because your birthmother is black and you grew inside her tummy. I have been wondering when to introduce the idea but figure he will ask and let him lead the way. I don't think he will be 21 and still thinking there was no birthfather in the picture. I'm sure he will ask sometime around kindergarden (or sooner). When he asks I will be honest and tell him his birthmother has never said to us who his birthfather is. I will encourage him to ask her if she is in contact with us at that time. If he doesn't ask then at some point I will initiate the conversation but I know it will be when he is older than he is now. All I can do is be supportive and truthful without trying to be hurtful or negative about either of his biological parents. I'm interested when other parents

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:42 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • have initiated that conversation. Right now the extent to which my child knows how children come into this world is they are grown inside a woman's tummy and then they appear at the hospital. He hasn't asked how he got into his birthmom's stomach - yet. I'm sure that would definitely be a discussion on a birthfather.  All I can say is right now that on that particular subject we just take it one day at a time.


    Answer by frogdawg at 10:46 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • Frogdawg, my 5 yr old has asked how the baby gets out of the woman's tummy, and I've just told her, "Women have been having babies since the beginning of time. It just works out." I guess I'm not ready to have that conversation with a 5 yo. The cultural heritage is how the subject of birthfather came up with my DD. She is part Native American.

    Your son is 3, right? You may not have that come up for a while, but you never know. He sounds like a smart little guy who likes to ask questions. It sounds like a good idea to encourage your child to be the one to ask his bmom. We're trying to make a point of not repeating what we've heard secondhand. We'll just say, "We've never met him".

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:05 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • Sadly, my one child's bfather is in jail and the other fled the country when the bmom got pregnant. We have almost no information on the one who is out of the country but what we do know about the one who is in jail is not pretty. My children never ask.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:17 AM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Sometimes birthfathers aren't all that bad...its sad so many of you have stories that back up the "dont know" or "dont care" kind of birthfather. He never disappeared or ended up in prison. He is now a scientist for a pharmaceutical company. He's very interested in the child we gave up for adoption. We are still in contact & he is very interested in meeting her. She is also interested in him & they have had contact. I would imagine there has to be more like him out there some where.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

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