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What to do?

Yesterday morning, my son Jake's ex-girl friend and her parents arrive at our house completely unannounced. They sit us down and say that she is currently 5 months pregnant, but they broke up last month. She is adamant that the only possible father is our son because he is the only person she has ever had sex with. I'm not incredibly upset that she's having a baby because I understand how impulsive teenagers are and even would go so far as to say I'm not surprised when it comes to these two. But how would you proceed? I feel as if Jake thinks this means he is forced to get back together with her even though he doesn't love her. I would love for them to get back together because I think that babies thrive when they're parents are together, but I don't know what to do. How would you proceed?

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jennv9595

Asked by jennv9595 at 9:58 PM on Feb. 14, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (10)
  • Oh, wow. I would explain that to my son...that he shouldn't feel forced into getting back together, but he does need to be supportive during the next few months.
    CnMe31

    Answer by CnMe31 at 10:02 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • Ask her what she wants to do, lay out their options and how much you are willing to help if at all...her parents should be doing the same! If shes going to keep the baby, your son will be partially responsible, so start preparing him for that. And reassure him that he needs to be there FOR the baby but that doesnt mean he has to be WITH the mom!!!!
    sweetstkissez22

    Answer by sweetstkissez22 at 10:04 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • I agree children do better when they have two parents. Did your son know she was pregnant when they broke up? Was he the one who wanted out? That makes a difference. Teenagers break up and get back together all the time. But starting a marriage because you feel you have to be married doesn't sound like a good idea. I would let my son know he has responsibilties and he will have to help care for this child. I wouldn't force them to marry. They may decide it's what they want later. Get your son to an attorney so he knows his rights according to the state you live in. This could get ugly.
    CorrinaWithrow

    Answer by CorrinaWithrow at 10:18 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • i think you & your husband, her parents, & both of them should all sit down together & have a talk. figure out what they both want, if they want to be together, or if they dont and then take it from there and figure out how they are going to handle this wether they are together, or not.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:28 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • I think you should just explain to him the importance of a child having 2 parents. Although he should not feel like he has to get back together with her, he should also maybe try to give the relationship another chance, just to see if they can work through their differences. If they can't and he doesn't love her or want to be with her, than at least he can say he tried for their child. However whether or not he stays with this girl, he needs to be supportive of her through her pregnancy and delivery of their child, and also needs to take responsibility for this child and be as involved as he can in his/her life.
    Ash9724

    Answer by Ash9724 at 10:34 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • I know exacly how you feel. My dd is 17 and pregnant with a guy that she didnt want to be with until she found out that she was pregnant. Just have to let them learn the hard way. I sat her down and just asked what her plans were and she said she was going to try and work thing out. The best thing you can do at this point is just be there for your son. this is going to be a really tuff time for him. There is no right answer for this whole situation. My biggest issue was that i stressed that she had to stay in school.
    twinsnseptember

    Answer by twinsnseptember at 11:11 PM on Feb. 14, 2010

  • Insist on a paternity test as soon as the baby is born, your son needs a pt job (so that he can contribute to the care of his child, it's not fair that the grandparents would have to bare the brunt of the costs) & if he isn't already it's time to crack down on the books & start focusing on where he's going after graduation. Also, you might want to see what you can afford to contribute in the way of supporrt for your grandchild because, quite frankly, at 16 neither teen is going to be able to 100% provide everything for this child and both sets of parentss are going to be stuck w/that for a time. Do not force them to reconcile. Odds are, her pregnancy is WHY he broke up with her. 16 is way too young to be in love and it would be tragic if they were forced in to a relationship because of the baby. Babies do need both parents involved but there's no benefit if they are together & without love between them.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:39 AM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • Honestly the first thing I would do is to request a DNA test.
    gulfcoastmom4

    Answer by gulfcoastmom4 at 7:58 PM on Feb. 15, 2010

  • You don't say how old these kids are, but I'm assuming they are pretty young. I would suggest to the girl and her family that she carry this baby to term, have it and put it up for adoption. I understand that this is likely your grandchild and that this will be very difficult for you and them to do. You are absolutely correct in that children need a mom and a dad. In many ways, having a dad is more important than having a mom. I would further offer to help with the expenses involved in the prenatal and birthing care of the mother. I would insist that my son get a part time job if he's old enough and that he pay every penny he makes toward these expenses. The one lesson he needs to learn above all others is that with freedom to do as one pleases also comes great responsibility. I would also tell him that he is living the lesson that one should not have sex before he is ready to be a married man and assume responsibility
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:15 AM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I say, have a paternity test done, before all else. Once he is officially fingered as the father, he is NOT obligated to be with her. He is however, obligated to pay child support and to be a decent father to his child. I think getting together or married just because someone is pregnant is stupid. I did it, and got divorced.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 11:10 AM on Feb. 26, 2010

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