Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

For those of you who said you wouldn't "allow" your dh to donate his sperm to a friend....?

what would you do if he had a child outside your relationship? Let's say he had slept with a woman before the two of you got together and one day a child comes to the door and says "Hi daddy." Would you expect him to deny that child because he already has a family with you? Because, honestly, this would be like a sperm donation, wouldn't it?
-Ashley

Answer Question
 
spiritguide_23

Asked by spiritguide_23 at 4:50 PM on Feb. 16, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 23 (16,700 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • Not even the same. That was from his past, before you. Donating sperm while he is WITH you is another thing entirely. While he is with you, you do have say in the matter, just as if you wanted to donate eggs or be a surrogate. KWIM?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:54 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I wouldnt see it the same. My dh did have a son before we got together, unfortunately his son passed away. I had children as well, and we always saw each other as 2 for the price of 1 or in my case 4 for the price of 1 package specials. This is totally different. If someone came now after being married awhile and said my dh had a child. Id want a DNA test first, then Id want him to step up and be a father to the child. It isnt the same as donating sperm. That is a choice you make, and should make with your gf/wife. As for giving to a friend, oh thats taboo and asking for trouble. Even if he wouldnt be involved in the rearing it is just opening the door for potential drama.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 4:58 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I also, don't see it the same. Donating is a good thing to do, but anonymously! So no one gets hurt. He may always wonder about the child he intentionally fathered and that could cause problems down the road not only for the child but for the child's parents.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 5:07 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I dont see it as the same.
    A prior relationship is just that an actual intimate relationship he had with another woman. If there was a child created by that then so be it.
    Also, knowing my husband he wouldnt ever donate his sperm without my ok and so its not a case of me not "allowing" him, its him respecting me enough and loving me and our relationship enough to ask my feelings on the matter and coming to a conclusion as a married couple.

    Oh and Im in a situation where we might have a child who appears one day on our doorstep and says "hi you are my dad" and that is ok. We will do a DNA test to be sure because thats in EVERYONES best interest and then,if he's my husbands, they will get to know each other and he will get to know myself and our sons.
    Amaranth361

    Answer by Amaranth361 at 8:00 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • How is that even remotely close to "the same"?? Having a child prior to our relationship is NOTHING like CHOOSING to have a child with a DIFFERENT woman during our relationship.
    mnt_2_b_mommy

    Answer by mnt_2_b_mommy at 8:08 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I do not consider when a man has sex with a woman, and that woman becomes pregnant, for it to be a donation of sperm. I know women jokingly, or not so jokingly, call the father of their child "the sperm donor" but I personally could never be that mean to my child. I would assume that my husband had a relationship with that woman before we were married and this child is his. Which means my expectation is he is to provide support emotionally, physically, and financially to the child by way of the child's mother. My expectation would be my husband would want to get to know his child and spend time with his son or daughter. Now if my husband knew of his child before our marriage and did not divulge this information then there would be some major issues. Not with the child. If my husband decided to donate his sperm to his friend, his choice. My choice is to leave and move on with my life. It isn't about allowing

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:43 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • or not allowing. It is about respect for your partner and your partner's thoughts and feelings. My feelings are that any friend of mine or his would be respectful enough to realize the impact this would have on my children and me. Otherwise that would not be a true a friend. For a husband and a friend who cannot be respectful of me - good-bye.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:45 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • well i would have said no to the sperm donation bc baby mommas are drama, so your scenario would be drama also. the difference is i'm assuming he doesn't know about the child from a previous relationship. i would expect a dna test though. i don't see what you're asking really. why would having a child he doesn't know about be equal to a child he willing created while married to you? not the same to me
    princessbeth79

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 10:22 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • No, it would not be like sperm donation. If he had a child before me then that happened before our marriage and I'd expect him to help support that child, even be an active part of its life. No I wouldn't want him donating his sperm, nor knocking up some woman during our marriage, reason being is I don't want any of him roaming around... ideally I wouldn't want a kid showing up at my door saying 'hi daddy', however if it already happened fine, now if he already donated sperm before our marriage fine... not now when we're settled and there's no reason for it. If we had a friend that wanted his sperm we'd tell them to go to a sperm bank or start dating, I'm not pimping out my husband.
    Knightquester

    Answer by Knightquester at 11:24 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN