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I need ANSWERS.. just don't know what to do!!!

I have a 10 yr dd whos dad has not been in her life on a consistent basis since the day she was born. Hes gone long periods of time w/out seeing or talking to her and about 3 yrs ago I got to the point where i was fed up & decided to cut all ties w/him. Not only was he not there for her physically, but he never helped me w/her financially either. I can count things he's bought her over the last 10 yrs on both hands. About a month ago, i was at the store w/my dd & he was there. As soon as my dd saw him, she ran up to him & hugged him. He begged me to give him my # so he could talk to her after we left. So i went against my original decision & let him contact her. (something you should know is that i've had my dd in counseling for this issue for the last 2 yrs b/c i wasnt sure what it was doing to her emotionally & her counselor was the one that told me I should give her the opportunity to talk to him). So i set up times (CONT)

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Feb. 16, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • (CONT)
    for him to call her on a weekly basis, which is what the counselor suggested, & the days were Sundays and Wednesdays. He called on a regular basis the first 3 wks, but was still being a nuisance, he would call her on days that weren’t his scheduled day, he would bitch about not being able to talk to her everyday & he would text me & ask me to tell my dd that he misses her & loves her, this made me mad b/c he should be telling her those things himself so I told him to stop texting my phone & tell her what he needs to tell her on the days hes supposed to call her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:56 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • (CONT)
    Last week my dd was in the regional spelling bee & i invited her dad to come. He kept texing my phone asking for directions like he was on his way but he never showed up. The next day, on Wednesday (his day to call her) he never called & he didn’t call last Sunday either. She’s been asking me why he hasn’t called & i don’t know what to say!!! Im not surprised by any of this, my question is how do I deal with this? I have another dd w/my ex-fiancé who I’ve recently broken up with & he takes my 10 yr old when he comes to get my baby but..

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • (CONT)
    my ex has told me in the past that when he gets a new girlfriend, he can’t promise that he’ll still be able to take my 10 yr old when he comes to pick up his dd. Since then, he’s changed his mind about that (because i got my 10 yr old a male mentor & he DID NOT like that at all) so he said he’d never say that again. But I still cant trust him not to drop her like a hot potato when he finally does move on w/his life. Im so confused & just needs ANSWERS.. PLEASE. Sorry so long.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:58 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • wow this is too long, i have no answer for you on this one, bc i dont feel like reading all this.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Unless you live in his head, you don't know why he didn't call and THAT is what you tell her. "I don't know, honey. Only he can tell you that." No need to burden her with the rest.

    Let the counselor know. And tell Dad that if he cannot be consistent, then he can't be part of your lives.

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:00 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Sounds to me like he has no interest in being part of her life. You don't need to tell her that. Nor do you need to make excuses for him. Just continue to say, "I don't know." Because until he STATES it outright, you don't know.

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:02 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Okay, I think we get the idea.
    Seriously, tell your daughter the truth about her father; that although you believe he loves her, he probably won't be the kind of Dad she hoped or you hoped, he would be. Tell her you originally cut ties w/ him because he was flaky financially and neglected to see her and you did this to shield her from the pain of an intermittant Dad. Give her a choice as to whether or not she wants to continue this spotty relationship with him but warn her she could well be disappointed and hurt. Tell her you don't know why he can't be a better and more active father in her life. I think she can handle the truth, she'll find out anyway by his behavior.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:02 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Talking on the phone may be a way for adults to have a relationship, not children and their parent.

    If he wants a relationship with her you better get yourself down to court and file for custody and support. He can file for custody or joint custody and support from you! He can use the fact that you haven't allowed him to see his child against you. In some states he would have a good chance at joint custody or even custody. He could make this cost tens of thousands of dollars for you.

    If you know he is the child's father you have to let him have reasonable visitation. Your state should have visitation guidelines. Who knows the court may grant you back support from the time the two of you last lived together. Every state does things differently. What you can't do is not let a child see their father because it isn't easy.

    Answer by Gailll at 5:08 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Why can't they talk on the phone? the court orders my hubby for phone visits twice a week, this is because the mother is insane. GO to court and get ordered phone and physical visitation.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:17 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Wow! Seekers is a really angry person. I don't see you as a "selfish bitch," I see you as a Mom trying to protect her daughter. When your baby is little, you have to be the one to draw the line in the sand and do what needs to be done to keep her from getting hurt. Now she is old enough to have a part in making the decision about the relationship. Clearly she wants a Daddy, but I think you're right, he's not going to be the Daddy that you or she would hope for. Unfortunately, this seems to be the time where you have to step back and let her learn this painful lesson. It will be excruciating for you. You've spent all of these years shielding her. But, she will blame you on down the road if you don't let her learn it. Take this awful situation and make it a teaching situation. She will be hurt, but this is a CRUCIAL crossroads where she can learn to be strong if you show her how. Good luck!

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 6:53 AM on Feb. 17, 2010

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