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I want to date, but he doesn't want me to. What do I do?

My dd's father is my best friend...we talk on the phone 3-4 times per day, and we have a good time when he comes over to visit our daughter. But, I'm not in love with him. He's in love with ME though, and it's causing a lot of problems for me. I want to start dating again...at least getting to know other guys, but he doesn't want me to. He says he wants to "try to make our relationship work", but I'm not interested.

Do I just date behind his back? I don't think I could keep it a secret, seeing as how we're friends and speak to each other often. But I'm tired of sitting at home night after night, bored to death. I want a social life. My dd sleeps through the night, and if I find a babysitter, I could date while my dd is sleeping.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:54 PM on Feb. 16, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I think you guys should try to make it work. You have a kid together, she deserves a chance to see her mom and dad together. She also doesn't deserve the instability that comes with different guys coming in and out of your life as you get out there and meet new guys.

    Moreover, I think you do love the father if he is your best friend, you're just confusing "in love" with those temporary feelings of excitement of and infatuation you get when first hooking up with a guy - that's meant to be temporary. The kind of love that makes marriages last for decades isn't like that at all, it's much closer to the best friend thing you're describing.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:07 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Well it may be worth trying to be together if your such good friends and you have a child together...but if your completely not interested than go date if you want. You don't have to tell your "friend" who your dating.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Maybe all this talking and hanging out is leading him on. You are probably doing this unconsciously. If you are really not interested, then you need to make that clear so that you can move on.
    lowencope

    Answer by lowencope at 10:58 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Try seeing a counselor together, if you really don't want to be with him, a counselor may be able to help him see that it's not possible because you don't want to. Your childs father will also see you made an effort to seek counseling, and he'll be able to put closer on it.

    If you don't want to see a counselor...

    I think it could cause problems that aren't needed to start dating behind his back. If you have a good relationship now, don't ruin it if you can help it. Give him the closer he needs. Make it as clear as you can, without being rude, that you're moving on.
    Skepticchick

    Answer by Skepticchick at 11:00 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • Talking to your child's father 3-4 times a day isn't healthy if you don't want a romantic relationship. You need to establish some boundries on your relationship. It's not right to allow him to waste his time being in love with you if you aren't in love with him. Tell him you don't want the relationship to work. If he doesn't get it you may need a few sessions of brief therapy to make the transition to a healthy new relationship.
    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 11:03 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I would just explain that you appreciate his friendship and think it is great for your daughter, but that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him. I would tell him that you ARE going to date. You do not need his permission. If you have no romantic feelings toward him you do need to be careful with all the hanging out. I am not saying you shouldn't continue to be friendly with him, but I would definately try to seperate a little bit. If you want to date, you have that right. It will probably hurt his feelings to see that you have moved on, but it will be good for you that he gets this closure.
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 11:05 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I agree with Gailll....you do not need to be talking to him so much and being so chummy. He should not be your best friend, if he is in love with you. Keep an open realationship because of your daughter but you are going to have to set boundaries, it shows that you are too close to him when he even has an opinion about you dating. If you try to date before you set up those boundaries he will cause trouble with you and whoever you date.
    my2kids312

    Answer by my2kids312 at 11:11 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • I wouldn't lie to the guy. Once you start dating he'll get the message that you REALLY aren't interested in trying to make your relationship with him work. If he's such a great friend to you, don't betray him by lying or treating him like he's dumb and wouldn't notice if you started dating.

    GL
    Allergic2Stupid

    Answer by Allergic2Stupid at 11:35 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • It's really not his choice if you date or not. If you are honest with him, and tell him you don't ever want to be in a relationship with him, then he has to accept it. Once you start dating, I wouldn't hide it from him, because it will cause problems if he asks you, and you lie. However, I also wouldn't just throw it out there either. Keep it to yourself unless he asks. Then just be honest. Tell him that you need to focus on your life, and he needs to do the same for his. Good luck.
    Punky_1981

    Answer by Punky_1981 at 11:42 PM on Feb. 16, 2010

  • don't lie to him, but don't let him control who you see and whether or not you date either. Make it very clear that you are not interested in a relationship with him. You may have to break the tie of talking to him so many times a day for a while at least to get your message across.. men are very naive when it comes to these things and think that since you are happy when you are with them and you call them that you love them and are willing to do the relationship thing. (I know.. I"m dealing with it now) You have to find a way to separate your life and his, and move on with your own life and relationships.
    kristal2146

    Answer by kristal2146 at 1:30 AM on Feb. 17, 2010