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Married 27 years, having problems with personality differences and trust. Love Him, but dislike him also. What do I do?

We have been separated for about 5 months now. I am so confused. We are so different in many ways. A part of me wants to work things out, but I am afraid he will never change. He is trying but I do not want to go back home to the same old things again. His opinions are so different than mine . He has never hit me, but his words can be so hurtful. Can you really teach an old dog new tricks. We are both christian and I know God can work miracles, but I feel my clock is ticking, and I am wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:22 AM on Feb. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • no the grass isnt greener and noone is worth the major investment you have put into this marriege,he can change if he wishes,but we both know that both parties have flaws,you need to see the big picture,you making it in this relationship brings hope to your children that love works and that even if people arent perfect they can make it.

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 1:34 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • Yes...the grass is definitely greener on the other side, give life a chance, words are very crippling, don't underestimate the damage they do to your heart, mind, deserve a life of joy, but you won't find it staying where you are. God doesn't expect us to live in misery, he wants us to be joyful peace filled people, God loves us! Sounds like you already know in your heart this man doesn't have it within him to be what you need, you can't wish it into existence..having to instruct a man how to make us happy is so very draining, then watching him fail at it again and again is completely disheartening and futile imo...

    Answer by chocolatluver at 1:35 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • btw i been married a while not as long as you but i look up to people that do make it,he need to say sorry and grow up but i wouldnt throw my marriege away for that.

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 1:37 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • Only you can decide what is best. You might be one of those couples who married too young . Unfortunately, this happens to many couples and after 27 years of marriage you may have finally decided that enough is enough.

    Answer by alejandra559 at 1:49 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • I have been married 45 years. What I have learned is that God puts together two people who are different, usually one is too far to one side and the mate is too far too the other. The idea is to work together to find the balance which is somewhere in the middle. I have also learned that the areas where one is extremely weak is the area where the mate is very strong, and we are to use our strengths to compensate for the weaknesses in our mates. Problems in marriage are never 100% to 0% blame. There are dynamics which bring out the worst in the other person, so if you go looking for someone new, you will likely end up with someone exactly like your husband. Marriage is the ultimate furnace for burning away every vestige of selfishness when it is done correctly. We are by nature extremely selfish; we want to be made to feel happy and content. Strange thing is that when we make it our goal to make our mates happy, we are!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:51 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • If he has'nt changed in 25 years he's not going to change now. I would move on and start over. Stop burning up daylight.

    Answer by annie610 at 9:22 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • No, he won't change but you can change how you react to his verbal abuse. Don't take it personally is the first thing. Next, read some books about Women who are Emotionally Abused. It includes verbal abuse. My SO was doing it when we first met. I read up on how to deal with men like that. One of the easiest things was to quietly respond to him and tell him "that was hurtful." Then walk away. Sometimes they have done it for so long they don't even realize they are doing it. This gently brings it to their attention letting them know their behavior is inappropriate. It also doesn't give them the response they want (usually tears when they hurt our feelings) which gives them power. Take back that power and know it's his issue and he is trying to pawn it off on you. So either learn to deal with it or leave and find peace that way. It took me 3 yrs to get SO to stop doing it so it doesn't happen overnight.

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:24 AM on Feb. 18, 2010

  • You sound like my husband's ex (except for the verbal abuse part). They were married 25 years and they just never had a strong connection. She always wanted him to be different (thought he would change after marriage) and he never felt like he could please her or be the way she wanted him. He worked hard in his career so that took him away emotionally too. He could not change because what she wanted from him just wasn't in his nature. He tried, but it would never last. She was always angry and distant. Her escape was through crushes she'd develop on different people. Finally, she fell in love with this gregarious friend of the family (married man and teacher to her kids) and left for him. Shocked and devastated my DH. But he met me and never knew that a woman could love him AS HE IS. He is perfect for me. We have so much more in common than his ex. So for him, grass turned out much greener! He says now he knows what love is.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 3:59 PM on Feb. 18, 2010

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