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How do I deal with a step child that is spoiled and respects no one?

She is almost 14 the youngest of my husbands kids she is only nice when she wants something and is hateful and cussing e1 out when she doesnt get what she wants when she wants it.

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Asked by winklilangels at 10:18 AM on Feb. 19, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

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Answers (17)
  • sounds like a typical teenager to me. LOL take away all her THINGS and make her earn them back. force her to learn to respect what she has and how she got it

    Answer by sati769leigh at 10:24 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • Many young teens are like this. They also hold grudges longer when it comes to dad and mom breaking up and dad finding someone else. They feel replaced in dad's life. They just carry a lot of anger and many teens have no coping skills. The parents should have been working with her regarding coping skills all this time but that's damage done & hard to change her now. I would walk away when she acts out. I believe in ignoring bad behavior and praising good behavior. Walking away not only ignores it but the body language of turning your back and walking away tells her you will not tolerate her behavior. You could even tell her that when she's ready to discuss things calmly then you/dad will listen.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:26 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • Since you don't have the power to discipline her nor to correct her, the only thing you can do is to draw some boundaries as to what you will or will not tolerate from her. Try not to think of her as your step-daughter but rather the same way you would any acquaintance. Let's say you decide you will not allow her to curse you. You then have to decide what you will do to enforce that boundary. One option would be to say to her that you do not listen to cursing, so you are now going to leave the room, the house or whatever it is that you must do to remove yourself from the earshot of her cursing. Just be sure that whatever limits you place, you have the means of enforcing. Another option would be to tell her that since you have no power over her, neither do you have the responsibility of fulfilling her wants and that she should take it up with whoever has the power in her life. If it's her, then she must do for herself!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:33 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • I wouldn't give her anything.Let her earn what she wants.How else will she learn how things work? Manipulation is not a good tool.We need to be strong & teach them positive ways to stand on their own 2 feet.

    Answer by Stefono at 10:46 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • sigh...sounds a bit similiar to my current situation. I have 13 yr old step son and he is just as hateful and mean as can be. He beats my 9 yr old up all the time and when I yell at him or try to talk to him about it he yells and cusses at me and even told me he hates me...he hates me and my son and everything is our fault. After 3 years of trying to help him and trying to understand...I'm just done with it. I told him that intimidation,harrassment and assault are crimes and if he does is again, I'm going to call the cops. I hope your situation isnt as bad as mine...and I wish I knew a good answer for the both of us. I just don't remember being that damn mean when I was a kid...towards ANYONE. Maybe some family counseling would work.Keep on being a good role model of how to behave and treat others and don't allow her to get her way when she acts like that. Thats what I do...but as I said...3 yrs..and nothings changed. :(

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:04 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • She's 14 and she probably see's you as a step-bitch.

    Your HUSBAND needs to talk to her about being respectful in your home. I for one would not put up with the cussing from a child in my home!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:28 AM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • he has talked to her about and has told her that she will not talk to me that way. When she really starts acting up (being beligerant and hateful) i walk away and won't talk to her til i calmed down and so has she. but then she just starts it all over again. I want so bad to tell her i will never get her anything or do anything for her ever again but that isn't fair to her dad to have her and i fighting all the time. I would never accept this behavior from my kids and they would have their cell phone and comp taken away be grounded from doing anything and be lucky i didnt smack their butt but my kids were raised with respect and they knew better then to act that way.

    Answer by winklilangels at 12:01 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • It seems as it stands, you and she are fighting all the time anyway, so how is it fair to your husband now? I would say to take away her privledges and make her earn them back and make her earn everything else she "wants" as well. You and your DH need to sit down with her together and explain to her that unless she can calm herself down and be respectful of everyone, she will have nothing in the way of computer, cell, etc. If you won't accept it from your own kids, why on earth would you accept it from your step daughter? Just because she's not your child doesn't mean she doesn't need to have rules and discipline.

    Answer by mom2BOYZnDad at 12:19 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • You can't really discipline. The only thing you can do is teach her how she is expected to treat YOU. You are well within your right to let her know how you expect to be treated and what are appropriate and inappropriate ways to speak to you.

    I didn't like the way my teenage step son was speaking to me one day and I turned around looked him straight in the eye and said "Who do you think you're talking to right now? You might get away with speaking to other people that way, but you do not speak to me that way".

    I would have no problem saying something like "Look I want you to feel welcome here and I want for all of us to feel like family, but this is my house too and I don't want to hear those words in my house. I know you're upset, but there are standards in this home".

    Most likely she treats people this way because no one has demanded that she do otherwise.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:05 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • I agree with NannyB that whatever boundaries you set, make sure you have the means to enforce it yourself. Don't set a boundary that then has to be enforced by your husband. I'm sure there are all sorts of things you do for her - wash her laundry, drive her places, let her borrow your things etc. You can enforce those boundaries by refusing to do those things that you normally do for her. Kids are very entitled. They don't even realize all the things other people do for them all day long that make their lives easier. Start taking them away and maybe she'll see it's better to play by your rules.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

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