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Ranking Importance of things to make a decision

For those who have to share your children with your ex spouse, how would you handle this? My dh and his xwife have a set weekly schedule with their son. When my dh and I got married, I found it very important to make sure his son felt a part of things in our home, such as creating memories here too. I have 2 children from my first marriage, and this past Christmas, I planned a lovely tree decorating party for the kids and my husband and I as part a fun tradition we could start here. We knew that a few days earlier, my stepson would be at Disneyland for 2 days with his mom, but what ended up happening is that a day before they left for their trip, she told my dh she wanted to spend 3 days up their instead, and the 3rd day fell right on my Christmas Tree Decorating party. Without consulting me, dh said yes to her and explained to me he thought the Disneyland trip sounded more fun for his son. How can I prevent this again?

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:28 PM on Feb. 19, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (6)
  • dont make a big deal out of it ,but yes disneyland is way more fun,i would make sure i would tell my SS that your sad he cant make it because you were looking foward to having him help,but really next time just have your man ask his son what he wants to do.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:33 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • Let me ask. What is your motivation? Did your stepson enjoy Disneyland with his mom WAY more than he would've enjoyed your tree trimming party? Are you just bothered that your husband okayed the additional time with his ex rather than fighting for your planned activity? Do you think your stepson felt very left out? Or is it that you felt left out of tree-trimming with him? If he felt he lost out, then maybe an earlier tree-trimming next year is the solution. If you were the one who felt left out, you need to find activities that don't depend on his Mom's schedule with him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:38 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • Op speaking- I also need to make clear that this was not an isolated incident, similar things have happened for 3 yrs of us being together, and as a stepmom to her stepchild, I am feeling like I'm hitting against a brick wall in creating family experiences for my ss here at his dads house. As a child of divorce myself, it was important I felt "a part of" my dads family when I came to visit, and they always did make me feel that way. But, it seems to not matter or be important in this situation, and the last thing I want a kid to feel is left out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:38 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • Op speaking- To answer regarding planning things "not" on moms time- that's what I did. It was upsetting she gave us a day in advance notice of them going to Disneyland to let us know she wanted the extra 3rd day that happened to be my dh's day. I would not have seen a problem at all if she would have given us at least a week in advance notice to add the other day so I would not have planned anything on that day at all, and it would have been ok then.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:43 PM on Feb. 19, 2010

  • you have every right to be upset. BMs are great at pulling this crap. i don't know your whole situation and yes as some have said he probably did have a lot of fun at disney. the point is that she was trying to start a family tradition. it is difficult to have family traditions when everything is always back and forth. and when BM pulls the crap of planning things on days that aren't hers, its pretty frustrating. especially when she has plenty of time to plan her things with the kids.

    to prevent this, you need to make sure your DH is on the same page. you need to let him know that the purpose of the party was not just for the kids to have fun. it was suppose to be a family event. something that would be a tradition for your family as a whole. and if he isn't there then the family isn't acting as a whole. i totally understand wanting to make sure that he feels apart of your family. ultimately its up to DH to say Yes or NO.

    Answer by aly38914290 at 10:59 PM on Feb. 20, 2010

  • I think that your husband needed to have some communication with you there and let you know what he was thinking of doing. so you were on in it too. just tell your husband that if plans with son ever change for some reason just to let you know ,so you;)

    Answer by incarnita at 9:27 AM on Feb. 21, 2010

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