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Does anyone know how im supposed to get it back?.. or did I ever have it to begin with?

Im talking about self-esteem people. Im a 26 yr old mother of 2 beautiful dd's. They have different fathers. The first I had when I was 16, fast forward 8 yrs later & i had a baby w/my now EX boyfriend. The break up is fairly new & im a complete MESS!! we were tgther 3 yrs & even before I met him I had very low self-esteem. I dont know why, Ive just never felt good about myself. Somehow he fed into my low self-esteem & he used it to his advantage to make me feel even worse about myslf. For almst 3 yrs I listened to him throw his ex-girlfriend in my face & constantely tell me how much more beautiful she was than me, constantley heard how i was a horrible mother, stupid & pathetic. I let it get to me &now I feel like im left w/nothing. Ive gained 30 pounds & feel disgusting. Im constantly comparin myself to other women (especially his ex) & its torment! Its hard for me to get close to people so dont have many close friendships.

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Asked by Lextacy at 12:30 PM on Feb. 22, 2010 in Relationships

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Answers (7)
  • You have to begin to see yourself for who you are, for the talents and abilities that you have, for the potential that lies within you. You cannot let any of this be influenced by what other people say about you. I suspect that there was probably a lot of negativity poured into your life before you were 16 and that influenced a lot of your young decision making. It is difficult to undo the damage that is done to young children when they are not told that they are special, as each and every one is. It is not impossible to undo. You can start by just saying to yourself out loud several times a day that you are special, unique, one of a kind and that your potential to be successful in this world is great. God does not make junk. He only makes people with potential, and although that potential may have been stunted by what others have said about you, theirs is not the final decision. You get to make that one!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 12:39 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • I agree 100% with NannyB!You know that one of the most attractive things about a woman is not her beauty?The attraction comes from how her heart and mind works!Guys like to look at skinny girls but know in the back of their mind that they are high maintenance. And for a guy he doesn't want to have to invest much!:)So a man finds a woman who is independent and self sufficient a hell of a lot more attractive that a skinny, co-dependant, money hungry girl!Babies ultimately screw with out bodies but you know what?Your ex left you a scar on your heart and he will never really know it.However, your babies gave you scars and they look way past those everyday! I guess what I'm trying to say is don't worry about men!You will never be able to get from them what you are getting from your kiddos!Unconditional love!Then while you are basking in your kids love that guy you were wishing for will come along and help you!

    Answer by cgonzales542 at 12:55 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • When you think of this guy, dont absorb anything he says. You need to see him in a different light: he is an idiot. He is mean and hateful. Once you start to see him as a bad influencer, you can begin to see the goodness in yourself. You should keep a journal of all the great things you did that day or week and you will become your best influence. Start small. Write some goals down. Make something nice with your kids like a scrap book or time capsule. Just a few suggestions GL!

    Answer by 3gigglemonsters at 1:00 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • Take others comments regarding who you are and filter them. If they are uplifting and beneficial, hold them close. If they are mean and vicious and meant to tear down throw them in the trash were they belong. Its not worth dwelling on. Be the beautiful mother to the beautiful children you have. "NO one can make you feel inferior unless you let them" Eleanor Roosevelt.


    Answer by CKasting at 1:19 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • Build your own self esteem. Know who you are. Be strong in your knowledge that you are a good person. Don't let others take that away from you. Once you realize you have control of the self esteem button, you won't let a guy do that to you again.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:43 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • I'm with everyone else but I do suggest counseling. It is hard as hell to turn off those negative messages. When you do find someone if they treat you well, you could spend wasteless years projecting that on your new relationship. I know this from experience myself. My low self esteem was not from a man but years of emotional abuse as a child. It was always hard for me to really believe that my husband really loved me and liked me even. I've spent time in therapy and it has been hard but absolutely worth it! I wasted too many years not believing in myself. Now I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and it is great.

    Answer by bjane01 at 2:43 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

  • Your weight is not, actually, related in any way to your sense of self-worth. If your body image has been standing in for your sense of self-worth, gaining weight, aging or being injured are all detrimental to your self-esteem.

    It shouldn't be.

    What are your strengths? What do you do well? What do people thank you for or compliment you on? What have you always enjoyed that you find naturally easy? Do those.

    What are the things that you've always found frustrating, that make you feel incompetent or incapable? Avoid those.

    Self-esteem is based on what you actually do, how you actually treat people (including yourself) and which of your values you refuse to compromise on --for any reason. It helps if you have any idea what your values are...

    My aunt's counselor once told her 'oh, you have a value system, it's just a really negative one.' Reach for the positives in your life. Read 'What Happy People Know.'

    Answer by LindaClement at 3:37 PM on Feb. 22, 2010

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