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pretending

My husband died in a car accident about a week ago.... before it happened we had so many problems, he was cheating, he was mentally abusive to me and our 2 children, and I was planning on leave.... he was in the accident with the woman he was having the affiar with, she died also.... I feel that they are together forever now. I have only cried out of shock... and the fact that my childrens father has died. I feel free now..... bu I dont know how to act in front of everyone else, I know I cant let people know that Im not destroyed by this, and I know it hasnt been long, but I am ready for me and my kids to start our new life. I was his wife for 5 years, I never cheated, I treated him like a king, did everything for him, and they look at me like I am a monster... I just dont know what to do, what to say, how to act...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:28 AM on Feb. 23, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (9)
  • just go through the motions use onions if you have too. This time get it right! ironic in your favor as well
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:39 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • Don't feel like you have to pretend honey. He may have been this great guy to everyone else, but to you and your kids, he was a terrible person, and it is JUST FINE for you to remember him as such. If you don't feel bad that he is gone, don't act like it. I mean I'm not saying you should go around saying "haaaaa glad the sucker is dead, and the whore too" but it also doesn't mean that you have to pretend for other people. TELL THEM what he did to you and your children. TELL THEM that they need to know the WHOLE story before they go looking at you like a monster, when really, you were a victim who is now free from the nightmare. Good luck dear. You are not wrong for how you feel, or don't feel. You have every right to feel relief. It's sad that this is what it took, but that's life, and death, for you. Move along at a pace that is comfortable to you and your kids and be well <3
    BaisMom

    Answer by BaisMom at 3:40 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • Ohhhhhhh, u don't have to pretend at all!! Why do u have to care about what other ppl think about it? where were those ppl when u were crying alone at home???????? If u have real friends, they will know how u feel, and they will respect it. It's not the best way to get rid of your husband, but it's not your fault as well. Leave the past behind, and start enjoying your new life!

    I really wish u a good luck !!!!
    nevena73

    Answer by nevena73 at 5:43 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • I say you act how you feel. Don't pretend. Everyone should understand why it doesn't effect you the same was. Just be comforting to your kids and don't worry about anyone else.
    3beautbabies

    Answer by 3beautbabies at 6:14 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • Why can't you let people know that you are not destroyed by the death of your husband and his mistress? I don't think you should try to fake what you are not feeling. You have not done anything wrong here. If your husband was having an affair, I'm sure you are not the only person that knew about it. Right now, you need to be strong for yourself and your children.
    crazycatlady66

    Answer by crazycatlady66 at 7:05 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • You could say something to them along the lines of "I'm sorry that my grief isn't as obviously deep and publicly displayed as you would like. But I'm sure that you can appreciate that the situation is a very complex one. I'm not simply mourning the death of my husband, but the death of our marriage. Having him die while with his mistress has added a whole new level of complexity to the situation. Given the circumstances surrounding our final months together as a family, and the nature of his death, I'm sure you can appreciate that I think it's best for me and my children to try to put this painful chapter of our lives behind us in as dignified way as possible."

    Look them dead in the eye when you say this - this preserves your dignity, brings up the mistress and the misery of your situation, and basically, in a classy way challenges them to say "oh, no, be a hypocrite and make you and the kids even more miserable."
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:19 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • One other thing though, while I agree that you shouldn't have to fake an emotion that you don't feel, and that it sounds like a mess all around as far as your husband went, I would be careful with this though.

    I'm assuming, since you were married for 5 yrs, that your kids are younger. They probably don't really understand that Daddy was having an affair or what that means or anything like that, and they probably are mourning that their Dad died. So, maybe sort of approach it as if you are sorry for THEIR loss (the kids' loss), but not trying to pretend that YOU have a loss.

    However you deal with it though, I am sorry - it sounds like you were in a really crappy marriage to a real piece of work, and now you're stuck cleaning up the mess he left behind (with so many people who seem to think that once a person dies, they're all of a sudden some great person with no flaws.. - ugh!).

    Hang in there and good luck!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:25 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • No matter what you're feeling inside, everyone grieves differently and no one has the right to tell you how to grieve...most people would have the sense not to try. Just be there for your kids, and (*(*&*& everyone else.
    BridgetC140

    Answer by BridgetC140 at 10:30 AM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • When I got off the computer last night, I couldn't help but keep thinking of your situation and feeling bad for you. I thought of something else that might help a little (or I hope it does - what a crappy situation to be in!)

    How about looking them straight in the eye and saying "I have been mourning the death of my marriage for ___ (however long the abuse and affair had been going on). Having my husband and his mistress die the way they did was just the final page of a very long and sad chapter of my life. I'm sure you can appreciate that now I'm ready to close that chapter of my life and start a new, hopefully less painful, one.

    Then walk away from them.

    Hang in there!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:23 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

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