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Family members fighting over helping when new baby arrives.

We are expecting our first child. My parents are divorced. My mom & her husband insist on staying with us to " help" when we come home from the hospital. My father & his wife insist on staying with us as well. They do not get along at all. They both constantly say " well if the other one is going to be there you better let them know im going to be there too" ( no one asked us if they could stay with us ). On top of this I have another family member that everyone decided was going to come stay with us as because this person is having a hard time and it would be good for them emotionally to be around the baby and help. There is no way all these people can stay with us when we first get home and there is not way they will get along. I have been up in the middle of the night with panic attacks because I am scared about coming home. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Asked by sarah.smith1234 at 10:01 PM on Feb. 23, 2010 in Babies (0-12 months)

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Answers (12)
  • First off, it's traditionally the MOM of the NEW MOTHER who comes and helps one else, unless your mom wants to come for the first couple weeks and your step mom or dad's wife and him want to come for the next two weeks.
    BAD IDEA TO HAVE ANYONE BUT THE PERSON TAKING CARE OF YOU STAY AT YOUR HOME. BAD BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!!! There will be people all over the place, and all you want to do is settle in and be with your sweet little baby and hubby. So ....again.....BAD BAD BAD have anyone stay with you except the person that will be helping you!!!!!
    If all those people come to your house to stay then you won't feel at ease, and the whole time you'll be worrying about thier problems with each other, instead of focusing on you and your new baby.
    Explain to your dad that he can stay in town, but he's not staying with you guys until your mom goes home. Tell him, you want your mother there because she's your mom ...

    Answer by sandypops at 10:06 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • ...cont.....she's your mom and she's the one that teaches you how to be a mother to your baby.

    Answer by sandypops at 10:07 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • mommy this is your baby, the baby is not yours and the world's. The baby is yours!!!

    Tell mother and husband and father and wife that you're exhausted and this is too much your doctor says.

    Send one email to all four indiviudally, copied to all in one email, saying this.

    If your husband can't be home with you for a week after delivery then ask the four 'grownups' to gift you with a home health aid for a week upon delivery. One family can pay for morning care and the other family can pay for afternoon care or one can pay for day time help and the other pay for night time help, in case your husband works nites or double shifts.

    My mom gave me a home health aid and I loved it, no fighting just good care.

    Answer by lfl at 10:11 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • YOU choose one person who you want to be there to help. Period. Don't worry about keeping the peace, or hurting someone's feelings. Any normal person should understand. I just helped a mom w/ breastfeeding who was having a really hard time. It turns out they had family there non-stop (his parents, her parents, etc) and she just wasnt able to spend time skin to skin with her baby learning to breastfeed, bond etc.

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 10:27 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • Who do you want there? This isn't about them, it's about you, baby and daddy. Not them. Obviously they are all being really selfish and you have every single right to call them out on it. If you don't want them there, don't have them there. Quit worrying about what others will think and do what YOU really want to do. NO pressure from no one. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. And don't worry about their feelings right now, they obviously haven't cared about yours or they would have asked YOU what you wanted to begin with. Ultimatley YOU are in control of the situation.

    Answer by Steff107 at 10:27 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • Who would be the best at assisting you? The home health aid sound dreamy but are there any in your area? I chose my mom because she waited on me hand over fist. My mother-in-law came a few days later and I ended up waiting on her and I had a c-section! Your first born you will run into alot of learning times where you need assistance in seeing what works for YOU. If you do go c-section (I had 3) you will need a person to lift the baby carrier for you to your dr's appointments, someone to drive and vacuum. I did regret having my mother-in-law because she is a very nervous person and just added fuel to the fire. I would go by what your gut is telling you. When you are sick, who would you like to come take care of you? Can this person come and stay for a few days to help you settle in? Who feels confident holding and handling a newborn? Let them know what a hard decision this has been for you and you love them equally!

    Answer by RaisnKids at 10:29 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • i had no one. and loved it! my mil insisted i should have my mom with me. but i was fine by myself. if you want someone there, then you ask that person only. and just politely tell everyone else that this is your first child and you want to enjoy her and get into the swing of things with just you, your husband, and new baby.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:41 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • I agree with having your mother there if the two of you have a good relationship. First of all, if you're breastfeeding a man (besides Daddy) shouldn't be there. I had my breasts hanging out the first few weeks until my nipples got used to the suckling. Nipples do a lot better exposed to air. My mother came and helped me the first week and WHAT A GODSEND..................She was already coming to help and then I ended up having a c-section.........not sure how I would've made it without her. It helped a lot that I wasn't uncomfortable with my breasts out around my mother...she is my mommy after all.

    Bottom line, as other posters have said............This is not about anyone but YOU, YOUR BABY and YOUR HUSBAND.

    It's your decision, so whatever YOU WANT mama.

    Answer by BridgetC140 at 11:24 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • First of all, let me warn you, having tons of people around when you bring a new baby home is a BAD IDEA. My fiance and I multiple visitors every single day for 3 weeks straight when our son was born, and I literally would lock myself in my room and cry because it was so stressful because all I wanted to do was to be alone with my son and my fiance, and be able to get settled and spend quality time with them, but neither of us had the guts to tell people we wanted to be alone and get to know our baby. It was horrible. But like the others have said, traditionally, your mom would be the one to come help out. My mom called off a week from work to help me. But listen, you don't have to have ANYONE over if you don't want to. It is your desicion and I find it very rude that your family is putting such unnecessary stress on you over this. Very childish. You chose who you want.

    Answer by Ash9724 at 11:54 PM on Feb. 23, 2010

  • be firm, say NO. you can decide who gets to come when. be your own advoacte. if you dont feel comfortable doing that, have your husband be the bad guy.

    Answer by erika_wright at 12:16 AM on Feb. 24, 2010

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