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As an adoptive mom....

Would you be offended or hurt if your adopted child referred to their birthmother as "mom"? Would it upset you if they referred to you by your first name when talking to their birthmom instead of referring to you as "mom"? (assume they still call you "mom" when speaking TO you just not about you when speaking to birthmom..and called her "mom" instead of her first name)


Asked by Anonymous at 12:52 AM on Feb. 25, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (30)
  • It is his comfort I am more concerned about. When you become a parent you leave behind your comfort and put the needs of your child before yours. My assumption is that is what my child's birthmother did. She made a difficult choice and did not do what was easiest. She could have placed him with her family, which they begged her to do. But she didn't. She put his comfort and needs (how she saw it at that time) ahead of what would be most comfortable for her. At least that is my assumption.  So if he doesn't call me mom...I can live with that.


    Answer by frogdawg at 9:50 PM on Feb. 28, 2010

  • Well, it depends what age. If they were a teen and being a punk, I would be offended. If they were just trying to sort things out, I would probably feel hurt, but not offended. I would have to remind myself that what is going on inside their little heart is more important that mine at that moment.

    Answer by Adelicious at 12:55 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Yes, because my kids have never known their birthmoms. We adopted from foster care, and honestly, it's better for their safety if they don't meet their birth families. But my oldest the other day asked who his dad was when he was born. We have talked quite a bit about his birth mom, but rarely about his birth dad. So I answered him honestly and told him the guys name, to which he seemed satisfied and moved on. Lately these questions have been catching me off guard and completely out of the blue, I'm trying my best.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:09 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • I wouldn't if my children referred to their birthmom as mom. It is probably simpler to just do that, so I would probably expect it. Now, if when talking to birthmom, she's referred to as mom and I'm referred to by my name, I would be very upset and hurt. I know it's not a popular opinion on here, but I firmly believe am the mom and birthmom is the birthmom -- hence the reason why she's called birthmom. There is a difference. In the realm of infant adoption, a birthmom gives birth to you and a mom raises you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:50 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • I don't have any problem having already went thru this. My daughters have 3 moms. Their bm who died shortly after they were placed with us for adoption, their foster mom whom they are still in contact with and me. We are all mom in their eyes and each had a different role in their life. At times it does hurt but I also realize that all 3 of us had a big role in the way my daughters turned out. We all loved them and there is no reason that they shouldn't have loved all of them even though there was neglect involved. Every child loves their bm even though they were abused, neglected, etc.


    Answer by baconbits at 9:11 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • baconbits....BRAVO, to you my friend, as usual you explained that with a true secure, loving "Mommy' heart;) A child is taught to respect and love(among many many other important values) allowing them to express this is natural and completely normal...they are who they are, and as their Mother one should be proud of this. Being a 'MOM' has absolutely no room for "competition and insecurities" , NONE! IMHO, a child can not love too many people, and therefore cannot have too many people to love them, Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:46 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Forgot, Teaching a child to 'LABEL' is a huge dis-service, to them, as well as to you as a their parent. In reference to an above "ANON' reply....teaching a child that their First Mom is a 'BIRTHMOTHER' IS being disrespectful to them, by saying their First Mom was 'JUST AN INCUBATOR". "BIRTHMOM' was a made up 'LABEL" to give the Mother whom adopted, a "SECURE" role as being the 'ONLY' mother, and therefore the one whom carried ,loved, and protected her child for 9 months or longer, was just a 'BIRTHMOTHER" . We can all see how thats working out , now can't we. Labels are for canned goods...children are so very smart...allow them the respect they deserve as their Mom...teach them, that they have/had a First Mom, whom for many reasons, could not raise them, but does not mean they did not want them or love them. Then we will see weel adjusted, happy, and loved children;) Blessings, C.J.

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:55 AM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • No I would not have any problems with it and would not think anything of it.

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:32 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • "Firstmom" is a label as well as "birthmom" is. You take it as an insult being called a birthmom because you take it that you are being called an incubator and that's your thing to deal with. If a child is taught that birthmom does not equal just an incubator as obviously you have been taught CJ it won't be anymore of a disadvantage for them to call her birthmom than it would for them to call her firstmom, which again, are both labels.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Who deserves to be called mom?
    The one who made grilled cheese, or, the one who put her feet in the stirups and bore a child?
    Why can't they both be known as Mom?

    Will it upset you as much if your child calls a spouces Mother 'Mom'
    How will you feel sharing the title Grandmother with another woman?

    Raising an adopted child has differences than raising a child that was home-grown :)
    one of those differences is we adoptees have 2 moms.
    Musing out loud... Why isn't there a way for adoption to keep a connection to both of the adoptees familys, similar to marrying into a family?


    Answer by adopteeme at 6:20 PM on Feb. 25, 2010