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How do I move past this?

About a year ago, my husband did something that hurt me greatly. He chose another girl over me. He had been talking to this girl online that was one of his gaming buddys. I walked into the kitchen on night and he was talking to her, but hid the IM box the moment I looked over at him. Of cousre i freaked and he let me see what he was saying to her... but naturally it sterried doubt in my mind. He had this huge fight.. I depended that he stop talking to her and he refused. said it was based on principal? Well evnetually i left him for a day... and he promised not to speak to her. After awhile I startedt to trust him again. He was doing everything he said he would... I had gotten pregnat soon after and when I had the baby, I found out that he talked to her again while i was in the hospital... I confronted him about it and he said she messaged him and it was brief.. nothing to it. cont.

 
soonmommyof3

Asked by soonmommyof3 at 12:32 PM on Feb. 25, 2010 in Relationships

Level 11 (634 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (30)
  • The fact that you are defending your husband does make it seem like you know in your heart that he is trying to do the right thing, it seems like what you are having trouble with is moving on for yourself. The way I see it you have two hurdles, one is letting go of your anger and the other is getting back your trust in your husband. As far as the anger is concerned, what good is it doing you to hold onto that? It will keep coming between you and it will keep sabotaging your attempts to get the relationship back on track. I think you just have to stop reliving this, stop remembering how he talked to this girl and the details of it, etc, etc and just let it go. As for the trust, if you have his passwords and he is not keeping things from you then that is a huge first step and a great show on his part that he wants to make this right. So you have to have some faith in him, and trust in yourself that you are doing the right thing.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:50 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • lol im sorry lol
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:32 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • well i told him he promised me not to talk to her again, yet he did. He words where I forgot. how do you not think about something like that when your talking to the person you shouldn't? Anyways, it made me loose all trust in him and I told him that we I can't never trust him again and that I want to leave, but I don't have the means.....He of course acted all crushed and hurt, saying that he thought things where going well. After much thinking I decided to try and work my trust issue with him out. but I am constantley feeling like he is doing things he shouldn't. one hand I want to stay and the other I am dying to get out! How do I work past this. Can I ever trust him again? should I even try to?
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 12:35 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • sorry for the typos, I'm tired and I don't have my glasses on. anon. what is so funny?
    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 12:36 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Well, have you ever found out the real story about why he feels he needs or even wants to talk to this other women? If you continue to let someone walk all over you, they will. Sounds like he's torn, but you should find out WHY.. what does he feel he's missing and needing from another women that you are giving and then decide if he's worth it or not. Have him get rid of the X box and that should start the trust again. change cel phone numbers and YOU enter the needed numbers in his new phone if he's serious about changing and making attempts at making your relationship work, but if he does this, that means you have to try to start also - I think once trust is lost though, its lost. but good luck
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 12:41 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • OP.. anon has the lol before and after everything she writes, I am not sure if she understands what it means or not. I really don't think she did it to make fun of you. Men do stupid things sometimes and yes they do forget. Stay or not is up to you, you could ask him to leave for awhile to allow time for you to get your thoughts and feelings in order. He may not really understand how much this hurts you and your trust in him. Time will help..
    midnightmoma

    Answer by midnightmoma at 12:42 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • You seem to be acting under the delusion that you are in control of your husband's behaviour. Let me reassure you: you are not.

    You can give your husband information about how you feel about his behaviour, and whether or not he changes is entirely up to him. Whether or not you stay is entirely up to you, but I have to say...

    Grasping, clingy, jealous behaviour doesn't suit you. It's fear-filled, paranoid and frankly turns people into shrill harpies. While you may momentarily help him feel guilty, you will be the source of bad feelings in him --and people move away (mentally and physically as well as emotionally) from people who are a source of bad feelings. Men want to be with women who make them feel better about themselves when they're with them than when they're away from them.

    Objectively, is that you or the other woman at this point?
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:43 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • If you really really believe he isn't doing it anymore, you can get past it. But if you think he still is.. or if there's signs that he is.. then it wont work. My DH cheated with 2 other women. Random sluts he went out and met at a bar on business trips and took back to his hotel rm. After I found out (we had 2 kids by then) He cried, said he was sorry, did weird stuff (like wrote off his family 'cause he was so ashamed..?) And saw a counselor. She told him that if was really sorry and wanted to build trust again that he had to be an open book at least for awhile. So he gave me his passwords to everything. He gave me his cell phone randomly and told me to check it and call numbers I didn't recognize if I wanted. (I had moments of weakness and called a couple numbers) I could call him anytime and he answered the phone even while at work, no matter what. He also took a new job that NEVER travels. ...Continued...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:45 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • she was an online gaming buddy from Canada. she is actually at child 18yr now but 17then. I asked about those things and he said it was nothing like that, just a cool friend to talk about gaming stuff with. She also had BF that my husband also talked to. He never had her number or anything like that. I had talked to her after the last time he did and she told me that her messaged her... I asked him if that was true and it actually got made at her and said fuck her, I don't want anything to do with her anymore, but I still feel like he is hiding something. I don't know if that has to do with the fact that I don't trust him or what.

    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 12:46 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • I agree with Linda, with that said, why are you still with a man that it seems you have to force to make you a priority over this woman. I mean he talked to her while you were recovering from having his baby??!! You can't make him choose you and love you, it seems like he still wants her. I would pack my shit and leave, but that's just me. You already gave him his chances, if he loved you and wanted to work it out he would have stopped talking to her the first time
    newmomma14

    Answer by newmomma14 at 12:47 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

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