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How do I get it through my husbands head that this is not fair to me!

We found out three months after we were married that my husband fathered a baby with a woman. This all happend long before we were together and she really only wanted child support. A whole lot of child support. We are paying over $600 a month. We have one DD of our own but with the economy the way it is today I fear that we will not be able to afford another with his child support payment. We had a talk the other night about having another child and he said that we just couldn't do it. How is this fair to me. His mistake is not mine! I know it's for better or worse but come on! This is not fair to me! This is not how I saw our lives. I stuck around after finding out. We still deserve the life we had planned for ourselves....don't we?

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:58 PM on Feb. 25, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • I would be getting her support order re-evaluated by the court. And, no its not fair to you at all.

    Answer by EvaSerenity at 4:01 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • He can't ignore that he is the father of the child and should be responsible in part for the child's care. It is a shame that you did not know about the other child and your husband's responsibility toward the child until after you were married. The financial impact is similar to what his losing a job and having to take a lower paying job would be. See if you can find a solution so that you have enough to support another child- either take a job yourself or see if your husband would find a higher paying job or a second job.

    Answer by Bmat at 4:02 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Do you guys get visitation? How close does this other child live to you? He shouldn't be just paying for a child he doesn't even get to see, he should be granted visitation. Either way, $600 for one shild is an awful lot of money, IMO.

    Answer by EvaSerenity at 4:04 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • You also choose to be with him despite this.


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:04 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • This sucks for you and your DD.. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Does he see the child? Does he want contact with the child/ If he doesn't.. Let him give up all rights.. (assuming he's not seeing the child anyways) Have yall done a DNA test? People are going to bash you here but don't let it get to you. I'm sorry this is happening and that your life is no longer the picture perfect life you had planned out. ALMOST same thing happened with me. I knew hubby had a son but wasn't paying any child support, it was all just given to the mom to help in different ways and then she went back and decided to make him pay so we pay over 700 a month which means that I cannot have ANY children because we can't afford it. I stayed but sometimes I definately regret it. GL .. I hope everything works out

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:04 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • OP here! I already work full time. My mom watches my daughter....I'm very lucky! She wanted too because she is a retired teacher. His child support takes a full weeks check from me. And he can't ignore that he already had a wife that he had made a life long dedication to either.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:05 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Hate to tell you this: But, since you are married, his mistakes ARE yours. And you are not being fair, if you can't afford another child right now, what are you thinking trying to brow beat him into it anyway - just because your little fantasy world did not fit the real thing, does not mean you can bring kids into this world if you can't afford them - who do think is going to foot the bill???
    Listen to your DH he makes most sence.

    Answer by Nynne at 4:08 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • that's alot to be paying in child support..what does he do for a living?...we worry that hubby's ex will get mad one day and go phsyco like she does and take him back to court for him to pay more cs..and he's only paying 3-somthing a month..and another 100 because he had back child support. personally, its not fair,..i think..epsecially when you found out after you were married. not to be rude, but are you sure it's his?..if he's not making alot of money then he shouldnt' be paying that much. try and go back to court and get it lowered or something..again, my hubby's only paying 3-something amonth (and my bil is paying 400 a month) and he makes really good money..are there "perks" to it?, my parents divorce, my dad could cut back alot on child support during the summer since he got us half the time. idk what else to say. i'm sorry that this happened when the two of you had your lives planned out and i wish you the best of luck

    Answer by mom_to_kenzie at 4:09 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • Life isn't fair. Marriage is for better and for worse and life doesn't always go by a plan; happiness is often based on how well you can roll with the punches. No one deserves anything in life so if you truly love your husband and want to stay with him, it's time to ditch the selfishness and focus on what's best for the entire family including your current DD. It sounds like, at least financially, that means holding off on more kids for awhile.   


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:15 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

  • OP here!! .....They went off my husbands tax returns in 2003 & 2004 to extablish Child support. He's a tax examiner CPA for the state government where we live. He was just starting out when the established paternity and SS was already 4 at the time. My DH was working two jobs as a server also so that's how they got the Child support so high. She was making any money supposedly because she was going to school and needed child care. She was working for her dad we found out. There had already been three Paternity test so this was the fourth so no back CS was ordered. We can't modify CS for another 6 months because the CO was modified a year and a half ago when they moved three states away we gave them full custody. We can't just sign rights away because the law isn't like that in our state. She wants CS so unless she finds a SO who wants to adopt him we have to still pay CS.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:25 PM on Feb. 25, 2010

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