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13 yr old boy and bullies

My husband and I differ on this. My son has increasingly been bullied at school. Now, my son, doesnt know when to be quiet. He doesnt understand social ettiquet. What he assumes is friendly teasing, increases to threats (from the other boys) and then to violence. I believe he usually instigates it.
My stance is that he should disengage. Avoid that bully. Walk away. Tell a teacher or take the fight off school grounds.
My husband's stance is that he should fight back, then and there, and that is what he told him.
My son got suspended the other day for fighting back becaue he hit the kid, after the kid pushed him. So, now what do we do?
My son is in SPED classes due to ADHD and other issues. The school is aware of the problems that my son causes and the other kids he has issues with.
I say my son has to learn different ways to deal with it. Help!

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Asked by Anonymous at 5:49 AM on Feb. 27, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • I agree with both - he needs to learn some social ediquitte or this will happen more and more and more - but you know what it is not ok to be bullies, and I dont usually agree with violence, but if someone is bullying you don't just lay there and take it - learn to fight back or you will allways be a target, especially if it is one individual all the time - that kid needs to learn it is not ok

    Answer by mommymeg03 at 5:56 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • Most schools have a zero tolerance policy towards bullying; I am surprised that nothing has been done to date.

    While geared towards younger children, this website has some good advice:

    Annie Fox is an expert in teen issues; you may find some good resources here:

    What you don't want, is a kid known as a fighter...


    Answer by rkoloms at 6:01 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • If it has been on going bulling then I wouldnt be surprised if it is effecting him in the long run. how would you like someone picking on you all day?? Let alone if one of them can up and hit you...would you not hit them back??
    My son is only 6 but he knows if he gets hit he can hit them back, he will not get introuble by me.

    Answer by IMAMOM2-2KIDS at 6:07 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • See here's the other problem. He has 3 teen sisters here as well and they have all experienced some form of bullying, but they made it stop or dealt with it, without violence.
    If I let my son keep defending himself physically, and he gets suspended again, what kind of message is that sending to the other kids in the house? I have zero tolerence for suspensions.
    Socially, my son, is extremely inept. He will keep harassing someone and then get suprised when they lash out. I feel bad because he just doesnt understand what is socially acceptable and what is not. He is on ADHD meds and does go to a therapist, but.......
    I am just at a loss. I dont want him to "lay down and take it", but I will not tolerate another suspension. Yes, the school is aware, but again he is half the problem.

    Answer by momsbreak5654 at 6:23 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • than maybe adhd isnt the only problem...most kids with just adhd dont have this problem with social skills

    Also what are you teaching HIM if someone hits him day after day after day and he has to sit and take it?

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • Is your son in therapy to help him learn better coping skills? he is only 13 and has special needs. he cannot teach himself. its well enough to say "you should do this and such and such" but at 13 with adhd he has to be helped to learn better ways of handling things. teen girls and bullying is a VERY DIFFERENT thing than teen boys. boys tend more towards violence as an answer.

    i read further down he is in therapy, well have you met with the therapist about just this situation. sounds to me , as the mom of a child in the autism spectrum, that your son is misdiagnosed with ADHD alone or at all. if he does not understand social cues and does the things you say..................he should be retested and a new diagnosis might be what is needed here. then the treatment plan can be changed.

    also MOMMA!! you should be up at the school asking THEM why there is time for these things to even HAPPEN. he is on THIER turf.

    Answer by sati769leigh at 8:12 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • "Socially, my son, is extremely inept. He will keep harassing someone and then get suprised when they lash out. I feel bad because he just doesnt understand what is socially acceptable and what is not. He is on ADHD meds and does go to a therapist, but......."
    UM NO! He has more problems than ADHD or he has learned that you are going to make the "he doesn't know better he has ADHD" excuse for him. ADHD is not an excuse to harass others and call them bullies when they are sick of it. MOST schools have zero tolerance policies DS was suspended in 7thgrade for defending himself when a teacher saw the other kid start it and throw the first punch. the kid had been bothering him for months and several times DS talked to the principle and guidance counselors tried ignoring the kid and walking away finally I told DS if the other kid touches you first you have permission to defend yourself.You can't just let your kid get beat up.

    Answer by goaliemom93 at 6:35 PM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • I want to thank everyone. My son doesnt have autism, but he is devlopmentally delayed, which doesnt help in social situations. I have decided to let him defend himself,but he will have to take punishment for a suspension. Thanks again :)

    Answer by momsbreak5654 at 5:33 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • To fight because of name calling is a no-no. But by all means if someone hits you, f*ck them up!

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • My son has Asperger's and he has a very hard time socially. He has been bullied and picked on since kindergarten. Walking away and telling an adult is the best thing he could do. The teachers & other adults at school should be aware of this situation and do something about it. A child should not be left to deal with bullying on their own because it can quickly escalate out of control & then you will have even more serious problems on your hands. Violence is not the answer that just leads to more trouble for your son if he fights back & it also is telling him that hurting other people is okay. I would call the principal and ask for a meeting with them, your son's teacher(s) & the school counselor. Don't allow this to continue.

    Answer by bookworm65 at 7:41 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

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