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He never does anything nice for me.

He never buys me anything for Vday, our anniversary, or my bday. For Xmas this year I bought my own present. His excuse? We don't have money. Which is true, but I still buy or make him something.

It's not just about gifts. For instance, if I let him sleep in one day because he had a long week at work, he wants to sleep in the next day too. For me to get to sleep in I have to literally beg. Even if he has agreed in advance that I can sleep, in the morning he always has an excuse why HE has to: his head hurts, he didn't sleep well, he has to do yardwork, etc.

It makes me feel terribly unappreciated and used, but if I talk to him about it he gets sulky and says he is a horrible SO, thanks for making him feel like crap, etc, but nothing changes. Our day to day relationship is fine...he is never verbally or physically abusive, we have fun together, he is a great dad, but how do I stop him from being all take and no give?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Feb. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • how old are you 2? just curious. and how long have you been with him, ?

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • Don't let him guilt you about it. Tell him bluntly, "I love you, but yeah, you're not exactly reciprocating the respect that I give you and it's something that I'd like you to work on. I deserve my time for me, and no amount of sulking or bitching from you is going to keep me from it any more. I won't allow you to guilt me into feeling bad about wanting this time for myself because I deserve it as much as you do, and I've given it to you."

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • OP: We are 22 and 23, and we have been together 2 years. He is not my son's bio-dad, but he has stepped up and become a stellar daddy. Just wish he was a more caring partner. :(

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • May I suggest the Five love languages book, by Gary Chapman. It is a good book for marriage.

    Answer by 3rdDay at 10:48 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • Some people just aren't in to the gift giving. You could suggest making things for each other if money is tight (my personal favorite is the homemade coupon books for bedroom fun, breakfast in bed, sleeping in, cooking dinner, dishes, laundry, yardwork, do something the other wants to do etc).
    It sounds like you have a pretty good guy in most ways. how about this.. if you have someone to watch the little one, then once a month you both get to sleep in while kids with sitter?
    Guy's don't usually come exactly like we want, but with communication and compromise they can be pretty close :)

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:54 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • my dh is the same way. we are 26 and 27. it drives me crazy. and our kids are ours! i let him sleep in sometimes. now my dd is older so she wakes him up. haha. i act like she shouldnt but i am secretly happy that she is doing it :) he never gives me anything. and some things are free: back scratches, he could make a card, ect. i feel unappreciated too. and when i talk to him about it.. he goes into a guilt trip. "you act like im such crap" "i dont do anything right"... blah blah blah. i know he just says those things as an excuse! drives me insane. i just stopped expecting things and doing things for him. he thinks because he goes to work every day and pays bills that he is giving me the world. dont get me wrong, im very grateful that he does this... and i show him how much i appreciate it by letting him sleep in, ect. so i wish he'd do the same for me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:01 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • So basically it's all about how it makes you feel? You don't care how it makes him feel when you ask him to do these things for you or expect him to do things for you that he doesn't want to do? Sit down and talk with him. Communication is the best way to go here

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:19 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • oh for goodness sakes. u r a grown woman. quit sounding like a big baby. u r a mom. there r more important things n life than this. get a sitter if u need a nap. let him b a man. quit getting mad bc he wants to keep his manly dignity. as 4 gifts, think of him as your gift. some women don't have the luxury of a man taking care of them and providing 4 them

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:25 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • You do not have the power to change him nor to make him even want to change. His issues are of his basic character. He most likely did not have modeled for him how to properly treat the people who are important to him, if indeed you are important to him. It is possible that he is so selfish that all of life is about him, what he wants, how he feels, and what is good for him. Unfortunately, he is the man you chose to be the father of your children. So I think you have to accept him as he is and you have to find ways to make yourself feel loved and appreciated other than from him. That may mean volunteering at the school or somewhere else where you can do something that is helpful and appreciated. We all come to relationships with expectations as to what we will receive from them. Sometimes, we just have to accept that our expectations are not going to be met and look elsewhere. I'm not talking about another man though.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:40 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

  • OP: Anon 10:19: So you think I WANT to do all these things for him? That I enjoy being up doing housework for hours while he snoozes, helping him with chores he feels overwhelmed by, spending my pocket change on little pick me ups when he's had a rough day? No, I don't do them for MY feelings, I do them because I love him and want to help him and make him feel good. All I want is the same respect. As for Anon 10:25, I am very sorry you feel that men should be allowed to act however they want simply because they are men. I don't have so little self-respect that I think I should simply be grateful he graces me with his presence.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:48 AM on Feb. 27, 2010

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