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Broken Family??Torn.Need advice please.

My daughter is 17 months old. Her bioligical father has only seen her a handfull of times. The last time she was 2 mnths. old. He has since got married and had another child. I have NEVER denied him seeing her instead I have given him ample opportunities to see her or to contact me, but of course he won't. That was until just this month after he recieved child support court ordered papers. My worries are that my daughter only knows one man as her daddy and this is the man I am with now and have been with since Alaina was born. He has done everything for us and the sperm donor has done nothing not even offer to help. Now all of a sudden he sends me emails saying that once we go to court and he is ordered to pay he will see despite me and his wife has even sent me email saying that when it's over my daughter will know her as mommy too. I want to do what is right, but I do not want to leave my baby w/ someone she doesn't know.

 
lexinicole

Asked by lexinicole at 9:09 PM on Feb. 28, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (6)
  • i completely understand this problem..my son is a little older (he's 7) so i've been dealing with it for a long time...despite what ppl might think, legally paying child support does not entitle him to visitation...that is another issue altogether and if you do not want him to see her then that is something that you would need to hammer out in court...regardless of whether or not he sees your daughter has no affect legally on him paying child support.. he is required to pay 17% of his income until she is 18 or if she goes to college 21-23 (depends on the state)...i went to court and i received full custody and although i did in the past allow my son's father to visit him (which was on the rare times that he called and wanted to see my son) i do Not have to allow it and he still is required to continue paying child support...really you just have to figure out what you think is in the best interest of your daughter.
    diablaherida666

    Answer by diablaherida666 at 3:05 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • She doesn't know him and who would want to leave her child with some strange man. I am heart broken and so is the man she calls daddy. I knew one day soon I would be faced with this, but I did not expect so soon because he has shown no interest and having anything to do with her. For the past year he has canceled and rescheduled DNA tests, so that is proof he doesn't care. I'm willing to do what is right, but how do I face this? I know plenty of families have had to deal with this, but she is only 17 months old. I do not want to scare her or confuse her. I don't feel she needs another daddy, she has one who has never denied her and knows he is the biological father, why should that change? He loves her more than anything and I love seeing them together.
    lexinicole

    Answer by lexinicole at 9:13 PM on Feb. 28, 2010

  • if you want him in her life moneywise he is gonna be there the other way,no way to beat around that.How can you ask him for money but expect him not to wanna be in her life even tho he was pushed into it,im glad she is only 17 months because her daddy still has a shot at it,he has done her wrong but is willing to make up for it,be happy for her its almost good news,slowly explain to him that you dont mind but to take one day out a time because she doesnt know him or her well,approach the situation in a good way that way your princess benifits from it.best of luck mom :)
    BUSYLOVINGHIM

    Answer by BUSYLOVINGHIM at 9:18 PM on Feb. 28, 2010

  • definately document all interactions - even with the new wife. also, with as young as she is and the fact that she has hardly seen him and you have her set up with a stable environment and all that, you can probably have the visitations be very short and i doubt they would make you do overnights at this point. i understand where you are coming from. it sounds like he is doing this either out of spite because you filed for CS or because of the new wife. you have to remember when you are in court, to make it all about your daughter's best interests. you have a lot of grounds to limit his visitations, but if he is willing to step up and be involved for the right reason....it will be good for her. at this age she shouldn't be scared. my neice calls her Step dad, Daddy and her bio-dad Daddy Toby. She hasn't seen him since.....last jan?? she hardly saw him to begin with - and she is a VERY happy girl.
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 9:34 PM on Feb. 28, 2010

  • well I feel bad for you guys and would be torn BUT if he pays child support he has the right to see her. If you felt you did not want him to see her you should of stopped the child support. I hope it works out! It would be hard to hand her over to a guy she does not know. You would think the court would do shorter visits at first because to her he is a stranger!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on Feb. 28, 2010

  • thank you guys for the advice. I appreciate it and need it. However, I did not file with DCF for money or despite him. I had no choice when I filed for assistant so that I could get help with insurance for my daughter as well as daycare so that I could continue my education in college. DCF automatically sets up for a DNA test seeing how he is not on the birth certificate because he chose not to as well as not being there for her delivery he did not show until the next day. I am in no way thinking of only myself. I only want what is best for her and I am willing to comply, it is so hard to take this all in all of a sudden after he has turned my daughter down several times. I feel no sympathy for him.
    lexinicole

    Answer by lexinicole at 10:09 PM on Feb. 28, 2010