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unsure

I am a married woman who is considering adoption. We do love this baby, who is a girl, due in April, but we, having 2 kids already, are severely struggling. My husband only works a minimum wage job to support us. we live in a tiny apt, and honestly, I do not think another child is best. We thought our financial situation from last year would have gotten better by now, but it hasn't and only seems to get worse. What is the best way to explore adoption this late in pregnancy?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:48 PM on Feb. 28, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (13)
  • Why give up the baby? Why not give up your first born instead?
    That may sound harsh to you, and you might be thinking you could never do that, for many reasons, but this new baby needs and wants you for the very same reasons your other 2 children do.


    Please talk to other moms who have surrendered to adoption. There are groups that have helps and resources websites for parents. Talk to adoptees about their experience. It's not an easy path to be a mom without your baby, or, a child growing up in a genetic strangers home.

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 2:24 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • Ultimately it is your decision, however, I will urge you to take some things into consideration...
    1.) Your existing children will not understand why their sibling is not there with them.
    2.) Adoption is rife with grief and loss- you will feel unbearable loss and grief if you relinquish your rights to this child...as will your spouse and children.
    3.) Your child is going to experience loss and grief. That child will have many questions- the least of those will be " why did you keep my siblings and not me? Did you not love me as much as my siblings?"
    4.) It would behoove you to do a lot of research about adoption- closed, open, and semi-open.. find an unbiased advocate to counsel you... not an agency or facilitator as they will do everything to convince you to surrender your child.
    5.) Speak with first moms and adoptees!!!!! Adoptees are the biggest voice that is silenced in adoption and their voice is the most important.
    mcginnisc

    Answer by mcginnisc at 8:02 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • 6.) KNOW your laws!!! It is vital that you know and understand adoption laws in your state. Every state has differing laws regarding adoption.

    I'm an adoptive mother and my daughter is already asking me questions that I cannot answer. She is from China so her adoption is closed. I would suggest that if you do decide that relinquishing your child is best that you have an open adoption.
    Listen to adopteeme as she is an adoptee! She can give you a true glimpse into how an adoptee feels! There are also some first moms around here that can give you an glimpse into what it's like to relinquish your parental rights and live without your child.
    Good luck to you!
    mcginnisc

    Answer by mcginnisc at 8:09 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • Of course you love this child! She is your child. I don't think anyone could ever question that you love your children. It sounds like you and your husband are in a difficult place right now and you are both scared about what the future will look like. I have known couples who have successfully placed their infant with an adoptive family and it has worked well for them. I have known couples who regret not having placed their child for adoption several years later and wishing it wasn't too late. I have also known women who wished they had not placed because they felt pressured by a husband or other family to do so. All I can say is you is you have to make some big decisions. Please don't take offense: but if your husband is controlling or abusive in any way, you may want to go to a domestic violence shelter and get assistance and counseling there before you decide to place your child.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:05 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • I only say that because I saw quite a bit of that in the past. If you have a good strong marriage and a supportive husband then it is a decision to make together. Of course women realize that this a big decision and of course as a mother you realize your older children are impacted as well. There is nothing easy about adoption. Not placing, not being the adoptive parents, and not easy for the adoptee. I say this as a mother through adoption. My husband and I adopted our son and he is healthy, happy, and very secure. But - there will be issues surrounding adoption all his life.  How I respond to him is very important.  Finding a perspective adoptive family that is very knowledgable and responsive to their future child's needs - I'm not sure that is so easy to come by.  I wouldn't know how to begin to choose if I were to be picking parents for my child.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:13 AM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • Don't choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep your baby girl in her family where she belongs.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:08 PM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • I must say try to keep your baby this situation is only temporary, and really think about your situation. There are a ton of adoption agencies that would be willing to help you find the right family, but you should also chech with your local Wic office and see about getting on public assistance first.

    MiddletonFamily

    Answer by MiddletonFamily at 5:30 PM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • I am an adoptive mom, I was raised in a family with 2 adopted sisters, half of my cousins are adopted as are 3 of my nieces. Clearly I am not apposed to adoption. However, in MOST cases a child is better off being raised by her own parents. If you are able to care for 2 children you can find a way to make it work with 3. Are you a caring and loving mother? That is what matters. Your baby will not care that you live in a tiny apartment and have little money.
    I love my adopted daughter more than anything, but it makes me sad for her that she does not get to be raised by her birth mother. I often think that it is the people who think of adoption because they feel they are putting the child first are the very people who should NOT give their baby up for adoption. If you care so much, keep your baby. There is help out there (WIC etc.)
    maggiemom2000

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 7:05 PM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • pm me if you want, I'll send you all of my 8 month old's outgrown clothes.
    maggiemom2000

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 7:07 PM on Mar. 1, 2010

  • While it may not be too late to explore adoption, you are basically basing your decision on your present economic condition. That in my humble opinion doesn't justify separating your child from yourself and your family forever. Please try to see what sort of assistance that you need to keep this child. My sister was uninsured when she got pregnant with her 3rd, yet they survive....together as a family. They both work, have decent jobs, and live (a little cramped at times) in a small house. The size of their house & their budget (or lack thereof) doesn't determine the love & joy in their home. I know it may seem uncertain right now, but where there's a will, there's a way. I pray that you find it. Hugs!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 7:30 PM on Mar. 1, 2010

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