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Need a couple quick answers, a hubby/porn problem

Without getting into too much backstory and without making this super long, I'm totally fine with porn in our relationship, alone or together it doesn't bother me. But my husband is lying to me about what he likes to see. I'm not a judgemental person about this, I don't care what he likes to watch, but lying to me about it makes me feel like there is something deeper going on. Honesty is a serious cornerstone in our relationship and he has never lied to me before. He's very shy and uncomfortable talking about sex stuff, I'm going to see him for his lunch at work today, what can I do to gently broach the subject? If I out and out start talking about it he will shut down and not respond. I'm really hurt about this.

Am I overreacting? What can I say to bring it up without making him want to run away? I feel like I have to know why he lied to me on several occaisons about what he likes to watch!

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:38 AM on Mar. 2, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • cont

    Again, like I said, porn isn't something that we have in our home or our relationship, but if it's something that doesn't bother you, then when you do talk to him about it, I would maybe try saying something like this --

    "I love you and trust you, and I'm secure in our marriage. I accept you for who you are - all of you. But I have to admit that it makes me feel insecure when I see that there are things that are hidden when it comes to sex. Because, for me, as long as we are open and honest with each other about everything, then I don't feel threatened by it, but when it's hidden, I feel like maybe there's more, worse, things that are hidden as well. I understand that this is my issue, but I could really use your help with it, and the best way you could help is by being honest with me about what you're watching."

    That way, you have a non accusing way to say how you feel and open the dialogue.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:19 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • he is probably afraid of what you will think or maybe afraid you will make fun of him or laugh at him.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:40 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • OP here

    I flat out asked him once when I found this stuff in his history if he liked it and that I woudln't judge him, and that it was fine and he told me the computer had a virus, that he wasn't searching for this stuff or watching it. I'm SO upset that he would like to me bald faced like that. And he's said on several occaisions, like when we're trying to pick out a new movie, that he doesn't want to see this stuff in there, so we have to like, weed through them. But then he watches it by himself? He KNOWS I'm not going to be mad, make fun or judge, why is he lying?!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:49 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • What the heck does he enjoy watching that he would feel the need to lie about it?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • does he watch the stuff he says he doesnt like all the time, or was it a one or 2 time thing. he might of been interested in knowing what it was all about or something
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:55 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • He's lying because porn has no place in a healthy marriage. It will always cause problems. I know you'll argue that I'm wrong, but then you are on CafeMom searching for help about the problems porn is causing in your marriage. Any time one member of a marriage looks outside the marriage for that type of stimulation, it undermines the marriage.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 8:56 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • If you're concerned enough to question his viewing it then it's a problem for you. Set your rules for your selfesteem and that of your children. Get counseling if you need to so he'll hear it from someone else not only nagging from you. Porn is as much an addiction as alcohol and drugs. Your husband has taken his addiction a step further and now lies about the depth of an addiction. That's what an addict does. My husband has an addiction to porn and another addiction to the computer. So he is always devising newer ways to see his porn. I wish someone counseled me that his liking porn was an addiction like drugs, alcohol.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:58 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • Ahhh....I had this problem once. I thought FOR SURE he was watching something REALLY disturbing. I spoke with him about it and he said he'd never watch that, but sometimes when he clicks on links 10-15 other windows pop up so when I looked in the history I would see some freaky-deaky business! This was verifiable by looking at the history again and seeing that only one link for some of the weird sites existed (as in he didn't go clicking through the whole site). I taught him how to clear the history about 3 years ago and guess what....no more arguments about porn. If you TRULY don't care, teach him how to clear his history and move on. I started the converstation by saying "I found some weird stuff on the computer. It bothered me and I wanted to talk about it before it gets blown out of proportion. Did you look at _______." I know DH looks at it. I just don't want to know what he sees.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:02 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • I'm 758anony. ThrivingMom is right. op- you say in your post question you have no problem with it. But as responses come in and you comment back your emotions are clearly high and angry and frustrated about the lies.

    I'll say it again. Like my husband, your husband is an addict addicted to porn. My husband's addiction started out with on demand porn channels and escalated to computer and cell.

    What would you advise your children if one came to you as an adult with their partner like this? If you're married less than three years and the porn is going on for less than a year, you might overcome through counseling. If you don't remove tv, computers, cell from his private usage without you, you will be me in a longer marriage more difficult to work through.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:03 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • What is he looking at??Men? Young girls? .. I would always get upset when I would see hubby looking at black girls with white guys..

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:04 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

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