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How would you handle a man who admits to love another child he had with someone else more than the one he has with you? I really cared about him and loved him very much until he turned his back on me when I was 3m pregnant saying the coldest things a woman should never hear while carrying a child.

He stayed away for the entire pregnancy and only contacted me when she was 7m b/c I went to his family telling them what he did/said to me. He told me that he wanted to be a part of her life and even signed her birth cert. giving her his last name. However, I noticed that he never contributed to anything except to come see her but not really spending much time with her. So, to see what he would say, I told him that if he wasn't ready for the full responsibility to just leave us alone without much worry of me asking him for any type of support. He chose that moment to reveal to me that although he loves our daughter, when she's in his arms, it's NOT the same love he has for his 5yr old son by the ex-girlfriend. All because he never wanted her in the first place. Now I'm taking him to court before he tries to skip town yet AGAIN. Sorry for the long post but am I doing the right thing? Just really hurt & betrayed...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:33 AM on Mar. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Don't take your hurt to court...please. In the long run, that will just hurt you and your child more. Just let him go and raise your child....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • The child deserves child support. If you don't need the money then put it in the bank and save it. Now back to the initial question, he's had 5 yrs to get to bond with the son. THAT makes a difference. By the time your dd is 5 he'll feel differently but if he's not interested in being a family then cut him loose. Going to court isn't punishing him, it's making sure he is responsible. That's not wrong.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:44 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • Wow, sounds like someone very angry and spiteful to me... What type of relationship did you have with someone where you didn't see the signs of him being this way? I mean, a man who can't love his own flesh and blood?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:45 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • Yes make him pay for her support and then do the best that you can to move on! So sorry!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 11:46 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • You told him to leave you alone and not worry about any support... UNTIL he said that he didn't feel the same with your child as the other... to me that's kinda , I don't know the right word, but it sounds like you're doing it now just because he hurt your feelings, which I do understand.
    I had a 5 year old and a newborn baby and honestly... I did have a lot stronger connection with my older child. The reason was because she'd been in my life every day for 5 years plus the pregnancy, we had a history, and we were able to talk, play etc... it's not to say I didn't love my baby, but the love you have for each child may be equal, but you do have different "connections" with your children. He was wrong to choose to tell you something like that even if he felt it.
    You have to give him some props tho, atleast he did come visit, so many men don't. I agree that the money is rightfully hers... put it in savings if nothing else
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 11:55 AM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • Please don't me wrong, I'm not taking him to court to be vindictive. This is someone I've known for 7yrs and we were friends in the beginning. He had me around his friends, family and even his son. No one, I mean, no one saw this coming. I was working on my career and once I got my life in order, he came along and just devastated me. I accept that I have to be a single mother but I don't think it's fair to let him walk off just because he says this is not what he wants now. I know the bond he has with his son is stronger but that comment should've never made it's way to me no matter how honest he was being. BTW, I did take him to court to have him sign the paternity papers where he made all the promises to being a good father. When I decided to drop the child support proceedings, all of the promises went out the door. I think this is revenge for me rejected his advances to getting back in my bed again. I passed...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • During the conversation, I did explain to him that the love would be equal but different b/c of the connection he has with the son. So yes, I understood where he was coming from and told him that it would take time to build that bond. i told him that we'd speak about it at another time. When a week went by, I called him to discuss after giving him and myself time to think, he totally brushed me off just telling me to give her a kiss for him and hagning up. Yes, I do give him props for coming around but is that enough when there's an ulterior motive? We spent Christmas together with his family and he didn't even buy a stuffed toy but had no problems accepting gifts from his family. He promised diapers and a car seat that never made it to my house. How much props can someone like that get? Might as well not come around.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:10 PM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • I think you should definitely take him to court for child support. You can't get a court order for him to love and emotionally supoprt his child but you can get an order for financial help. As has been said, if you don't need the money then save it for your child's future. At least when your child is grown you can tell her that you did right by her in this regard.

    It is very hurtful what he said, it could be true or it could be motivated by something else. His feelings may change. I think that you need to make sure that this NEVER gets back to your child most importantly. All you can do is protect and love her yourself and leave the door open so that if he ever gets his act together you daughter has a chance to know him. Otherwise you just do the best you can and hopefully find someone who will treat you and your daughter better. Good luck.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 12:18 PM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • personally, i think men will love their sons in a different way they love their daughters. with their sons, they can show them things they already know- how to fight, be the protector, etc... with a daughter, the dad just ends up stressing out b/c he KNOWS how boys/teenage boys think and while he wnats to protect his princess- he really cant... at least a boy can defend himself (at least in a man's mind)...

    i say go after the child support- your DD deserves the financial support. if you dont need it now, save it for when you guys do need it, or save it for her college fund, etc.

    it took about a year for me to even really feel true love for my son. i mean, i loved him, but i didnt LOVE him. i loved him cuz i had to- he was my kid. over the years, our bond grew. more time together, meant a bigger/better bond.
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 1:14 PM on Mar. 2, 2010

  • i think right now- regardless of whether you go for CS, you and him have to decide what type of relationship he will have with his daughter... will he be around? cuz if he is, he shouldnt be a holiday dad- only coming once every few months. a child deserves to know their parents fulltime, even if they arent living together... but a child also deserves stability and since my son's BD wasnt able to provide that stability (of him being around, or DS being able to call and talk to him, etc), its best that BD went away for now. but if he can be there and provide that stability, i'm sure that his emotion/bond with his daughter will grow... not really exceed past the bond he has with his son, but it'll be a different bond, no doubt- but just as strong.
    Shy_Dia

    Answer by Shy_Dia at 1:16 PM on Mar. 2, 2010

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