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Divorce Question

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, and we have two children. I was married at 19, and we moved rather quickly (got married seven months after we met). We now have three children. For the last year or so, I just haven't felt the passion for him that I should. He is great with our children, and he loves me dearly but, unfortunately, I just feel like I can't reciprocate those feelings. For this, I feel guilty. I love him but, as the cliche goes, I'm not "in" love with him. It has been more the "fit than the feel" for me in the relationship for several years. I don't want to hurt him or his family in any way, but, I'm just not happy. And, is it fair of me to stay in a relationship that is one-sided? He deserves more than this. He does have a bit of controlling side, but he doesn't seem to see it. I'm afraid to go but hesitant to stay. Is divorce an option for me?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 12:19 PM on Mar. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • divorce is a option but not the right decision. This will pass. Stay and put more effort into it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:22 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • I would seek counseling. It would help to go over your issues with an unbiased professional. After you sort out your personal feeling then maybe you could move on to marriage counseling, if appropriate. Dont throw away an otherwise stable relationship because you are restless.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Marriage is more than just is a commitment you made to yourself, your husband, and God. You VOWED to love, honor, and obey. You can change your feelings. Put him first. Think of all the things you fell in love with and find them in him again.
    I married at 18 and have been married for almost 22 years. We have 5 children. I moved 600 miles away from my family when we married. Life with hubby is hard, but God raised the dead...He can do the same with a marriage. A marriage is a lot like a living has its ups and downs. Commitment takes you past the downs. You are feeling the "blah" part of marriage. It will get better. Write down the good things about him and honor him for those things. Tell him how much you appreciate those things about him. Honor him with a romantic dinner with just the two of you in the house. Your feelings will eventually catch up to your deeds. Give the both of you another chance!

    Answer by singnstitch at 12:29 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • You know what might help? And the only reason I'm even bringing this up is because my mom left when she was in a similar situation as you, and made this suggestion to me when we hit a dry spot.

    Make some time for yourself. Pick something that you've never done, think you might like to try, and do it. On your own, by yourself, and just make time for you.

    I picked kickboxing and mounted shooting. I have never done any kind of fitness training whatsoever outside of high school gym, (and I was only required to take one year of that.. LOL) but the kickboxing is rewarding in its own right. Now, with the mounted shooting, I love riding horses. Absolutely love it, and am really passionate about it. I've always wanted to try it, so I met a couple at a booth at some festival that do mounted shooting. I am going to "practice" with the wife twice a month. My DH has a newly sparked interest in me since I've taken on this new hobby,

    Answer by matobe at 12:33 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • and in turn, I have taken a new interest in him because he's wanting to try something new with me... basically, it brings the "dating" feeling back into our relationship. Since I've started kickboxing, relieving some stress, and DH is curious, I've "performed" better for him, (ykwim!) and it's put our relationship on a whole new level.

    Worth a try! And there's got to be something... something you can do. I was 40mi from a gas station even, in rural MT, so you can find something! If you need some ideas, or have questions, feel free to PM me!

    Answer by matobe at 12:37 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Stay with him and go to a good counselor. Usually when women feel as you do and leave, they realize it was a mistake to leave. The problem isn't your marriage. Your problem is inside you, and you will take it with you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:09 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Before heading down that road I would suggest seeking out a marriage counselor. Also you need to talk to your husband he does deserve to be aware of your feelings.

    I also agree with a previous reply that said find something for you to do that you find fun and interesting and do it just for you. I think it sounds as if maybe you are feeling like life is stale in general.

    Good luck in whatever you decide, but really isn't it going to ease your mind if you give it one last try with counseling? That way no one can say you didn't try, right?

    Answer by kfroz0415 at 2:31 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • I disagree with the panel because I lived this myself. Counseling will NOT work if you do NOT feel romantic love for this man. Marriage is not just friendship - you can be friends and not be married. Don't you think that if you don't love him the way he loves you that you would both be better off finding the person that will reciprocate these feelings? I tried to get my husband to understand this and he didn't. He would NOT go to counseling, so I went for myself. But I learned to not feel guilty for my feelings because I'm being honest about them. I am now moving forward with the divorce. There are many reasons behind it, but I finally decided this after 2 years of having all these emotions and feelings in my head 24 hours a day, every day. It's the most difficult decision I ever made, but I'm comfortable with it. He will be ok and move on, we'll live our lives and take care of our son. Think of what is best for YOU.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:06 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • CONT'D: I won't go into why my feelings became this way, but I realized that I appreciate my husband, but I defnitely don't have romantic love or attraction for him. It is sad to say and I know it hurt to hear, but we are different personalities and with all the crap he's put me and my son through in the last few years, I just realized that I don't like that I feel like I can't be myself with him. If he won't get anger management help or seek counseling (with me or alone I asked) then I'm not expecting changes. I can only change how I react to the issues, not change the person or his issues.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:10 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Thank you so much "Anonymous @ 3:06 p.m." It's nice to hear from someone else who has gone through this. My husband and I have been to counseling. Well, to our pastor. My husband refuses to seek counseling through a medical professional. Honestly, I think it's because he's afraid of what they'll say. He does have some controlling tendencies. He, of course, doesn't see them. To him, controlling is telling me what I can and cannot do. However, he will put guilt trips on me if I go out with a friend for dinner (which I don't do that often) telling me that he wants to do things with couples. He's told me he's jealous of the friends I have. He has told me, in one of our arguments, that he wished he could "slap me." It's weird. He will change from "good" guy, to "feel sorry for me" guy, to "I need to be with you every minute of the day" guy, back to "mean" guy. Almost like he has no coping skills.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:08 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

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