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What is your biggest "fear" for the future?

In reading the great posts by adoptees about what they would tell adoptive parents, it got me thinking a lot about how easy it is to "worry" about things that may or may not happen in the future. So my question is primarily for other adoptive moms, "What do you fear or worry about most (related to adoption) as your child grows up?" However, I would be interested to hear answers from the perspective of the other triad members as well.

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muptgirl23

Asked by muptgirl23 at 1:45 PM on Mar. 3, 2010 in Adoption

Level 7 (160 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • As a bmom, I always feared my child would not want to know us when she grew up. I am happy to find just the opposite. She is very eager to meet me & the rest of my family. But I did worry from time to time that would be the case. I tried to prepare myself for it a bit because ultimately its the child's choice. I am privileged that she has chosen to meet us.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Being a birthmother, I am worried that our semi open ( one visit per yr and pics twice a yr) will stop. I worry that my daughter(2 yrs old) will hate me for doing what I felt was best for her at that time. I worry that I will never get to be apart of her life and that she wont want me there. I worry that she will hate me for keeping my oldest daughter who was 7 at the time and then my son(9 months) whom is by the same man. I just TOTALLY HATE being a birthmother. It SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
    TLW514

    Answer by TLW514 at 2:17 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • As a BSE mom my biggest fear was simply was he o.k. , happy ,healthy.Last summer it appears he was found and it appears he is healthy ,happy and all that I wanted for him. What an amazing relief.He is still deployed so absolute confirmation has n't happened yet..add a new fear current safety.Now my next fear is that he will want nothing to do with me ever.Last week I told a friend ,the first one I told,about possibly finding my first son.My friend and I have been friends since we were 14 and he knew when I was sent away.He is adopted and loved his parents.He crushed me he told me he had no use for his birth mom,she was worthless so why was I doing this.Now I know I can make conversation fr an hour while sobbing inside.So my this fear is larger than ever.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 3:49 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • My biggest fear is that she will resent me for adopting her and not leaving her in her birth country.
    7babies4me

    Answer by 7babies4me at 9:09 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • My big fear is that my kids will feel hurt when they truly understand that they couldn't be raised in their birthfamilies (even though they love us), and that there are older siblings who were not placed for adoption. I know that I can't totally protect them from that, but I can give them the tools to deal with it. We have situations where face-to-face contact is healthy (and when it isn't, we'll limit it temporarily to letters, pics, and phone calls). I think that allowing them contact with their birthfamilies and letting them know how much they are loved by us is the best thing I can do for them.

    Drfink, I am so sorry your friend put it that way. I've known adoptees who were very hurt by closed adoptions, feeling rejected and unwanted. Your son may not feel that way at all. I hope he'll want to know you and pray for his safe return to the U.S.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:51 PM on Mar. 3, 2010

  • Thank you so much Iamgr8tful.It was a shock since he knows all about the being forced and all.When we were in our 20's and 30's I used to get a feeling he semi-fantasized that I represented his birth mothers feelings.This was ok with me.Hope you are correct.My birth son is due back in April.He is in my prayers constantly.A bit of topic but my 25 yr old came back from deployment last week.He had been gone since Feb 14,09. SO HAPPY.He is an Military Intelligence officer in Afghan so he is in debriefing till the end of March but he is safe.He comes home to us March 30.These days are such a weird mix of extreme feelings elation,fear,worry,happiness and constant prayer.One home safely and one to go.

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 1:36 AM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • My biggest fear is similar to Iamgr8teful's, except that we don't have contact because of being adopted thru FC & because she remains in a lifestyle that is unsafe for our son. Due to her choices, it limits our options of having contact & I don't want him to blame me for that. Sometimes I think of doing pics or updates despite her not having contact, but it boils down to the safety issue. She was recently arrested along with her BF & a gun was confiscated along with drugs & thousands of dollars. It was the first time that I considered her (and her BF) to be a physical threat to our well-being. I used to think that she was naive (innocent) and made bad choices due to her friends. I've recently been able to see that her choices are her choices. It doesn't change the outcome, still no contact, but I'm slowly taking away the excuses the I make for her . I hope DS doesn't hold that against me one day. I still pray for her healing.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:56 AM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • drfink, I am sorry for your friend putting that fear into you about your son. I was thinking about this yesterday and didn't get to write, but realized that HE might have said things to you projecting his own unresolved feelings onto you that he had about his birth mother. But he doesn't represent ALL adoptees, only one, himself. I know in adoption that fear is a constant, fear of rejections, fear of not being wanted, fear of not being found. Realize for your son that his biggest fear MIGHT be not ever getting to meet you. Especially being in combat. Mortality always raises it's ugly head in the trenches. Hopefully soon, you and your son will get to talk and I pray for a good outcome for you. I'd tell you to take it slow, but what's slower than 20 or 30 years? So I will say instead to not be the "birth mom" that your friend has in HIS head. Just be the loving mom that you are. It will be OK. Hugs to you!
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:04 AM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • My biggest fear is that my son will blame me for his birth mom's issues and that he'll hate us for adopting him. Also, that he will have a void in his life because she won't bring herself to take care of herself and become a healthy person for him to be around. I pray that I have enough answers but fear not having all of the answers. I fear that his birth mother will hurt him one day. I know she loves him, but don't know that SHE knows how NOT to hurt him. I know that she's glad that I adopted HER son, and am taking care of HER son. I don't believe that she'll ever accept me as his mother, but that I will remain "foster mother" in her mind forever. I pray that THAT doesn't make HIM see me as less of a mother, because for right now, I'm the only one he knows. I love him so much. I fear that when they meet, that he'll be the more healthy person & that she'll drain him emotionally rather than trying to heal his own heart.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:20 AM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • This may be a unrealistic idea but anyway for the moms that their child's birth mothers have huge issues...guns ,drugs etc.Have yall thought about keeping a semi-sanitized journal of wishes and  d reams for your children including your attempts to include the birth mothers and what keeps it from happening at times.Clearly not a place to vent and trash but kind off ...we attempted to make plans but the drug addiction kept her unavailable and I am sad and on and on...Perhaps in the future if your children,when older, wonder about why and how things did or didn't take place journals kept at the time would give them insight to the situation.Anon 56 I am not hugely FB proficient but would it be possible to make a special page for her birth mother to have access and that way you could completely control info at arms length from her.Just an idea .

    drfink

    Answer by drfink at 10:38 AM on Mar. 4, 2010

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