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Step-Mom needs help with out of control 9 yr old.

Me and my husband took in his son in 2008 Sept. Today he is still with us because mom is bi-polar and cannot take care of him. My husband deployed Feb 18th before he left his son was acting out (talking back, throwing tantrums, not obeying the adults being disrespectful) we talked to his son and I set up an appt with a psychologist. Lately he has lied to his mom about me not feeding him I talked to him about lying and grounded him. He got upset at me cuz I didnt buy his tae kwon do equip for class said I was mean but I told him I did not see where he earned $160 equip. I got a note from the teacher saying he got into a confrontation with another student and the teacher sent me home a note yesterday saying he is using inappropriate words in class. He has never been discpline his whole life by his mom I discpline he no longer has any privileges and I have talked to him several times about his attitude and behavior. Any more sugg

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:10 PM on Mar. 4, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (7)
  • i think you are doing everything you can. i would continue with the therapy. it must be very hard on him with things with his mom. i know that you are doing right by him, but kids have that bond with mom no matter how poorly they have treated them. if his dad was not deployed i would say that his dad needs to have a stern talking to him. however, since that is not possible, i would just keep doing your best. :-) i would not give in to his tantrums. you may try having a heart to heart with him too sometime when things arent heated. also, maybe try doing fun things with him when you can and it wont undermine anything. it might help him connect with you better.
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 3:26 PM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • well my dh is not deployed but works outta state for months at a time without coming home my sd 12 does some of the same things.. her mother is a (crack head) and we had her rights terminated..so shes no longer around but my sd has gotten where she constantly causes trouble, getting into trouble at school, horrible behavior at home etc..her father and i have talked with her and begged her to behave..we even took her to therapy for 3yrs and nothing still works...i have no choice but spend alot of time with her bc she has no family..so we do everything together, hair,shopping etc..so the part where people say oh spend more time together, do fun things etc does not work..and until someone lives in our shoes they just dont understand what a challenge this is..i personally dont have advice for u because it only gets worse with age..i have had my sd since she was 5...i myseld dont understand her actions at times..and dont know how
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:57 PM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • to deal with her either..we have seriously considered boot camp or military school hoping that someone could get control over her.and believe me its not that we havent raised her right shes just went crazy in the last two or three years..its sad to me and hurts bc we have tried so hard..and i myself as a stepmom have tried to be there for her bc i know shes not got a bio mom..but it constantly backfires on me.so i have decided to give up and let her get herself into trouble...i dont argue with her anymore..i dont volunteer at school to get her outta trouble anymore..if she gets into trouble now she knows shes gotta get herself out of it alone bc i wont vauch for her...im sorry u are going thru this and i pray things get better for u and me both
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • I'm a step mom.and it is really hard sometimes.I think he has anger issues.who wouldn'tI think this is how he sees it -. Mom is gone, Dad is gone, and you take his sutff away- But it sounds like you do care for him.Maybe rewarding him when he does good, will encourage him to be more well behaved.You should take him somewhere and you and he just have a fun nice day.And use that as a reward for him to behave better.He needs to be loved.I had my share of problems with his daughter.Her daddy thought it was "Cute" and I acted like I didn't know the two of them.She was bad.but years have passed and we have a good relationship now.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 4:42 PM on Mar. 4, 2010

  • You're seeing a psychologist -- that's good! With his dad being deployed, I'm sure that whatever your SS had going on before the deployment has intensified. But, with his mom being bi-polar, has your SS been evaluated by the psychologist? I'm not saying he's bi-polar. But an evaluation may be helpful, just to rule out any possible reasons (not excuses) for his behavior. If you happen to find a reason, then a plan that is tailored to that reason can be developed for him.

    You are a good woman and a good mom. Don't give up on him. I'm sure he already feels doubly abandoned. He desperately needs a stable adult in his life right now, and [tag] you're it. I don't know if this will help, but get a copy of this book -- "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman. It might help you with some easy quick ways to set boundaries for him. And yes, it works. I use it successfully. Good luck, Mama. :)
    May-20

    Answer by May-20 at 7:38 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • As of last night things have gotten worse with his son. He got upset over something he did not understand me simply telling his mom that he would call her over the computer and cuz I didnt have enough minutes on my cellphone. His son got upset saying you talking to my dad is more important than me talking to my mom? I told him before he even got upset that I told his mother that he would call her. I explained again to him that he adult tells him what to do and he doesnt need to disrespect and talk back. He told me he gets angry when adults tell him what to do. I tried to explain again. He was been grounded with no tv, psp, wii, xbox and not allowed to stay up till 10 on the weekends. Nothing get through to him. I told my husband that I am stressed I have tried but I have laid my hands to rest and have given up. The child thinks if u tell him to pick up something ur being mean or telling him to do something.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:18 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Sounds like he is mad at his mom for abandoning him. Now his dad has "abandoned" him too. You are the only person he can place his anger on. At 9, hormones are starting to come into play. He definately needs therapy. Instead of telling him to do something, try asking for his help with cleaning up.
    motherofhope98

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 8:33 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

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