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Why do Adoptive Parents

always say Oh it was a scam when the Birth Mother decides to Parent It really frustrates me when I hear this

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Mar. 5, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (51)
  • Usually in those situations the adoptive parents paid for all of the mother's medical care during her pregnancy, maybe even housing, food, utilities, spending money... I mean some adoptive parents go all out in hoping that they will be given the gift of a child. And then after all that, the birth mom decides to keep the baby? DOESN'T that sound like a scam to you? It does to me. Maybe it really was just an honest mistake, that the birth mom really did look into her baby's eyes for the first time and was unable to give it up, but I can definately see where the adopitve parents could think they were used.

    Answer by Ati_13 at 9:10 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Agree with 1st poster.

    Answer by wahm_abbeyrose at 9:16 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • As an adoptive mom who was actually lied to (related to drug use) by both the birthmom and the agency, I believe there is a difference between scam and choosing to parent. A "scam" would be knowingly promising a child (who may or may not exist) for the sole purpose of achieving financial or even emotional benefit. Unfortunately, it has happened many times on here, where a woman will contact and promise things to MULTIPLE prospective parents. However, in cases where an adoption plan is made and the mom determines through the course of her pregnancy that she wants to parent, this is NOT A SCAM - it is rather her choice. Nothing about pre-birth matching is "set in stone" and it is unfair to the mom who is making this incredible choice to call her a scammer for simply changing her mind. While it is of course sad for those who may have been hoping to adopt, it IS NOT A SCAM!

    Answer by muptgirl23 at 9:24 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Thanks muptgirl but the first two answers really,really .Why does a MOTHER realizing she cannot GIVE her child to someone else sound like a scam.If it is due to financial obligations then she would not be GIVEING her child away but someone would be BUYING her child.Don't pre birth match then no worries


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:11 AM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • What muptgirl23 said. OP. I totally agree with you and I'll never understand the wrath that is piled upon women who decide to parent.

    A mother deciding to parent after making an adoption plan is definitely NOT a scammer. A Birth Mother is someone who has relinquished her child to adoption, therefore by definition it is not possible for a birth mother to be a scammer.

    If there is any scamming it is done by the agency/facilitator. They make all the money while the paps take all the risk. Are there any statistics on how many prospective bmoms decide to parent? Do the agencies warn paps about the financial and emotional risks? Why do they persist in calling pregnant women birth moms, giving the illusion to the paps that her giving her child up is a foregone conclusion?




    Answer by onethentwins at 12:35 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • I agree pre-birth matching contributes to this myth that all women who change their mind are "scammers". I didn't choose a family till after birth. The only thing I got from the agency was some maternity clothes...3 shirts & 2 pairs of pants. If I had changed my mind after getting those things but before picking a family would I still have been considered a "scammer"? To me a scammer is someone who intentionally sets out to financially or materially gain something by lying. Sure, you hear stories of women lying about being pregnant & taking things from people...THOSE are scammers. And the reason you hear about it, is because its not that common. But giving birth & realizing you are making a terrible mistake is not a scam. Its a reality that PAPs need to understand might occur. Its within the mother's rights legally & morally to keep her own child. She doesnt owe anybody a THING...most certainly not her baby.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:36 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Oh and it's not just adoptive parents or prospective adoptive parents that think it's wrong for a woman who been pre-matched to change her mind either.

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:37 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • You see pbm's portrayed that way in tv shows when they decide the want to bond with their baby after birth when the pap's are there and the pap's are not comfortable with that. I know that tv is not real life but it represents what some people think about real life.

    Answer by miriamz at 1:48 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • My daughter's BMom changed her mind and decided to parent and I NEVER EVER said that it was a scam. It never even crossed my mind that it was a scam.

    So Adoptive Parents do not ALWAYS say that.

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:49 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • I think they need much stronger laws in regard to this. If you chose to keep your child, fine, more power to you. But if you took payment for anything from the adoptive parents or agency you must make arrangements to pay it back and pay your own medical bills. These is no reason someone else should pay your bills, have their heart broken, and have to start saving all over to try again.

    Answer by BlooBird at 4:25 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

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