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Help me. My SS won't come back over to our house because he's not the center of attention.

My SS, although a very sweet child, is extremely spoiled and has been since he was little. He's 9 now by the way. Anyways we bought a house this year and when my cousin found out (He's a single father) He asked me to adopt his son because he felt like he couldn't be a parent and his wife had died earlier that year. My cousin had always dabbled into drugs but now he was hooked and felt like he didn't want to be a dad anymore. Me, my husband and my SS had a family meeting and discussed what it meant. My SS was very excited and even though he hadn't met, he felt like they would be best friends. So the adoption process was complete in January and because my SS doesn't get all the attention he won't come back. My husband is mad at me for adopting this child because of how his son feels but I felt like I had no choice. He was family. What do I do? My marriage is slowly falling apart all because SS doens't always get his way.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:11 PM on Mar. 5, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • He's only 9. Be a little more empathetic towards the boy. Sure he was a part of the family meeting, but he's only 9 and wasn't able to fully comprehend what a huge change this was going to be. Help him adjust. Be sure you and DH still give him some one on one time. You just suddenly added another child to the home without a 9 month pregnancy to give time for the adjustment.

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 3:15 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Didn't you and your DH decide to adopt this child together? Sound like the SS is runing the house over there.

    Answer by louise2 at 3:19 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Have both children pick different things to do together with and with out you and your husband. Also spend one on one time with both. IE you with both boys and your dh with both boys and all of you together.

    Answer by katelynnsmama97 at 3:23 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • SS agreed to it before. have another family meeting. it has to be really hard at 9 yrs old to deal with that transition but it shouldnt be acceptable for him to just opt out of the family. that should not be allowed. he has to be taught ways to deal with the new family structure. he will grow up to be very controlling and selfish if they allow this to continue. if he needs a counsilor then get one for him. set up times for the children to each get a parent to themselves. also set up times that they have to agree on what the family will do.. .can be as simple as dicussing pizza vs tacos for dinner... i think your dh is letting his son just run from his problems. that sets up issues for the rest of his life. when he doesnt like school is he just going to be allowed to run from that too? hope not!

    Answer by AmaliaD at 3:25 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • What has been going on? Is he being ignored? How old is the other child and how has the adjustment been from losing his mother and having his father give him up been handled? Honestly, I think it's good you wanted to help your cousin's child but your husband has basically lost his child now. Just because SS agreed, it was probably not very easy to comprehend since he is only 9 years old. The whole thing should have been done with lots of couseling and not just having the other child move in one day and expect the situation to be perfect. You should try to get into therapy.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:57 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • You husband's 9 year old son won't come to your house during hi schulded visits. That is your husband's problem to deal with. He needs to be a man, and be the dad and go get the kid at the asigned time and tell him how it is going to be. 9 year olds don't get to vote beyond would you rather have a cheesburge or chicken nuggets!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Why is his mother not enforcing his visits with his dad? Why is your husband not enforcing the visitations?

    Answer by motherofhope98 at 6:55 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • I would just let him know that the adopted son has had some trouble and he can help make him apart of the family. I would do things with both of them and seperate so they both feel loved and special. He's 9 after all, the world still revolves around them.

    Answer by SwePea at 7:17 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Umm.. since when does a 9 y/o get to decide whether or not he goes to his visits with his father?

    I believe at --12-- they can decide such things. At 9, he cannot. You tell his dad to go get him. Is there some reason the mother is not enforcing the visits ? It sounds to me like SHE may be contributing to this alienation.

    Your marriage is falling apart.. because of a 9 year old boys obstinance? lol. Sorry. lol. Okay. Tell your husband to grow a pair!!! Seriously!!!! WTF!!!

    This is NOT about the other child being brought into your home. Nope. It isn't. It's about --control-- ... The child is trying to --control the adults-- in his life, and probably thus far has succeeded in doing so.

    Tell your husband not to fall for the childs manipulations. It is manipulation, regardless of how confused he is, he's trying to control you.

    Everyone needs therapy, too!

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:48 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Suggest therapy so that everyone can adjust.

    It's not normal that a 9 year old is dictating what adults do.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:51 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

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