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Can a man be emotionally abusive and not realize that he is being abusive or do they always know exactly what they are doing?

My husband often does or says things that to me feel like emotional abuse. But most of the time, I'm not sure that he realizes how hurtful he is being.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:41 PM on Mar. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I believe they know exactly what they are doing!!! Granted sometimes we say things that we dont mean when we are mad but if they dont apologize for it then it was meant to be said for a reason. Men can be very emotionally abusive!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:46 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • so does mine.
    chefjen

    Answer by chefjen at 10:50 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Some times they don't realize it. Thie can be because they grew up in a home that was that way and never showed it as being hurtful or wrong. Another reason could be they never had a serious relationship and he is only use to hanging with the guys. Whether he realizes it or not it needs to be pointed out and fixed it is a serious problem. Good Luck.
    hot-mama86

    Answer by hot-mama86 at 10:51 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • I agree with hot-mama, there are lots of reasons a man might not realize he was being emotionally abusive, especially if you're not speaking up and saying "Uhh, quit saying shit like that to me!". You should speak up and tell him what he is doing is hurting you. If he gets defensive and nasty about it, he's an abuser. If he is sympathetic and agrees to try to work on it... he still might be an abuser, you will know if he makes strides to better the way he treats you. If he doesn't seem to take an interest in changing and the bad behavior continues, then there is a problem, and you should probably seek counciling.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:09 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • Abusive people live in a alternate reality. I have studied this the past year. I believe they know somewhat of what they are doing, but they don't realize the damage they are causing.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:29 PM on Mar. 5, 2010

  • There are men that know exactly what they are doing when they are being emotionally abusive to someone (my ex is one of them) and others don't realize how much damage their words have done unless something is said about it. Now you need to speak up and say something and depending on his reaction then you will know on whether he meant it or not.
    NikLvsNick

    Answer by NikLvsNick at 1:11 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

  • I think they know they are being hurtful, but they either don't care or feel that you are the only "safe" person to let out their emotions on. My husband was like this. I told him I was leaving and taking out son if he didn't stop... he knew what he was doing wrong. That was last November... he has been really good since then... he slipped up once and I let him have it. When I told him that I would leave, he got reallly upset... and I just said "You can be upset. I don't WANT to leave.. but I can't have our son raised with this kind of example."
    They know... they just don't hold back. And by the above "safe" I mean someone who won't leave them. Once I told my husband I would leave... I became "unsafe". He now expresses his frustrations like an adult rather than throwing low blows at me. PM me if you wanna talk more about it. I have a whole story lol.
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 1:25 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

  • He knows it. He tries to control you that way. Abusive husbands are insensitive, mean, looking down at you, and they treat you like if you are an idiot. Oh yes they know what they are doing. My ex was like that and he knew it!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:33 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

  • I AGREE WITH ANON 13AM. ITS ALL ABOUT CONTROL. MAKE A PLAN AND GET OUT IN A SAFE MANNER WHEN U DECIDE U HAVE HAD ENOUGH. COUNCELING IS NICE TO SAY TO TRY BUT MOST ABUSIVE MEN DONT BENEFIT FROM COUNSELING AND IF THEY DO IT IS A LONG AND EXPENSIVE PROCESS. GOOD LUCK AND STAY SAFE.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:08 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

  • You need to do what you can to save your marriage. Just because it may be a "long expensive process" doesn't mean you just get a divorce.. that's a long expensive process to that only can end up being painful for sure... with counseling at least there is hope.
    Yes there are a LOT of abusers where it is about control... you just have to figure out if your husband is one who cares or one who will continue to abuse no matter what. I don't believe "once an abuser, always an abuser." People do change, but it takes time and effort.
    You need to talk to him... even threaten to leave like I did... I'm sure there is a women's crisis center in your area you can contact and get resources. just google "womens crisis and abuse (your town)"
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 10:08 AM on Mar. 6, 2010

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