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Now that we're engaged, how to get mom happy for me??

So my fiance and I have been together on and off for about 9 years. We have one beautiful 4 yr old together. Last year we broke up and took a year off. We got back together in August, but it was very rough. He had another relationship for a while and wasn't sure about getting back together. Anyway, we got back together and moved in together and got engaged. Everything has been going good. Everything but my mother. My Mother and I are best friends. I know she is looking out for me and wants what's best for me. It's just so difficult because my mother won't forget the past. She remembers the past and won't move on from it. She won't take part in any wedding stuff, won't even look at my ring. She has come to our house and had dinner there, but she will barely talk or look at my fiance. I am very hurt by all this and I don't know what to do. I can't choose between my love and my mother. I won't.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:18 PM on Mar. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • You have a child. Your priority is keeping your family with your child and her father in tact. Your mother should not put you in a position to choose. You are the mom now. It is not fair to your child or your fiance to allow your mom to have so much power over you.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 12:23 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • It is very sad that she can't move forward. She should realize that her attitude is not going to help in any way.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 12:24 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • I don't think she is asking you to choose. Her coming over despite how much she dislikes this man is proof that she is trying to move on or atleast trying to set her differences aside to make you happy. I can understand that she's being protective of you and doesn't want him to hurt you again, but I can also understand your forgiveness and wanting to create a happy life with him. Time heals all maybe it will just take her some time to warm up to the upcoming marriage. If she doesn't want to be involved in the planning process that is totally her loss. Yes it does it hurt you though because you're getting married and want your mother to be as excited as you are. Have a heart to heart with her and tell her you how you feel. Congrats on the engagement and good luck!
    tnm786

    Answer by tnm786 at 12:29 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • It's your life but as a mother of adult daughters, we see things better than youngsters can. She probably sees hurt in your future and doesn't want to support that. I went against my mom's wishes and I married someone she didn't approve of. She didn't really say much and she helped me with the wedding then I blamed her for not protecting me from my stupid decision. So I think she's being honest. That says a lot.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:29 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • Honestly if someone treated my child the way your Fiance treated you, I don't think I would like him every much either. I certainly wouldn't be thrilled with the idea that my child would be making a permanent committement to a person they already had a nine year on and off relationship with. So I understand where your mother is coming from.

    That said, give your mother some time. She has to resolve her feelings (it is always worse to see the ones we love get hurt rather than being hurt ourselves). The only thing you can do is work on making your relationship stronger. This will prove to her that she has nothing to fear.
    FuzNet

    Answer by FuzNet at 12:38 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • the above comments r all good ones. i agree that your mom doesnt want u to b hurt again. and if u told her all the details of your relationship problems in the past of course she is concerned this man will do just that again. whatever u do dont talk about the differences u hv with finace with yr mom. as u know now u can forgive him but she cant because she is cncerned for u. u r her priority and she wants u to b happy more then anything. her coming for dinner is a good sign-- she is trying. give her some time and keep inviting her to go along when u do wedding stuff. she may surprise u and change her mind. i would also make a point to work on the marriage that is to happen in the future rather then just the wedding. thats the best way u can prove to yr mom that you will have a happy and fulfilled life with this man. make sure u have a strong relationship with the skills needed to problem solve and b considerate of each other.
    emily1234

    Answer by emily1234 at 2:30 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • Consdiering the nine year track record, it would be utterly shocking for her to be happy. Sorry. You can't get her to be happy in any way but making sure there is NEVER another off-again unless it's permanent. He stays for good now, or he's gone forever if he goes again. Daughter or no.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:24 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • This is what happens when parents are friends instead of parents.

    You and your mom need to have family counseling to repair your relationship.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 5:00 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

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