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How can I make my DH understand mom and MIL are two different people?

I really don't know how to word this especially in the characters allowed. Basically, my mom and I are pretty much like best friends, though she does irritate me at times. But when she does, I can tell her she's upsetting me and why and we can deal with it. My MIL I have NEVER gotten along with, though oddly she is completely oblivious to this and just thinks I'm quiet. I'm quiet because opinions opposite hers have always created WW3 and I'd rather just not deal with her. My problem is this: when I try to discuss with DH and set boundaries for his mom so that I can deal with her, he always replies "same with your mom then." Which of course is NOT the case at all! He gets along fine with my mom, who along with my dad helps us out a lot with anything and everything we ever need help with. MIL, though, only helps if/when she wants to, and it's usually not helpful at all, just adds more stress/issues. How can I make DH understand?

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RoniV

Asked by RoniV at 5:10 PM on Mar. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (30 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Your DH welcomes your mother into his life because he loves you. You need to do the same. You may not get along with the woman, but your DH probably does.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:12 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • Tell him what you just told us, that you don't get along with his mom and he does with yours that he is being sensitive and needs to pay more attention so that he sees what you mean.
    truealaskanmom

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 5:14 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • A little additional: The upcoming issue we are having is arrival of our second daughter. I told DH that I do not want lots of visitors or people over initially because I want plenty of time to settle in and whatnot. I brought up his mom and sister in particular because they live farther away and would want to stay overnight if they visit, which I'm totally against. So he says "well same for your mom." Except that I hope that my mom and dad (who live only 20 minutes away and we see them at least 2-3 times a week every week) will come over and help out if needed. Like, I mentioned, they know their boundaries and won't be upset when asked to leave. His mom and sis WILL be offended if we say they cannot stay overnight and that if they want to visit it can only be for a few hours if it's within the first month. So I just don't know what to do. He seems to think I just hate his family, but they always make things difficult!
    RoniV

    Answer by RoniV at 5:14 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • I have no clue but him saying "Same for your mom" all of the time would make me want to stab him in the eye with a fork.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:16 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • You know, your hsuband actually has a pretty good head on his shoulders. Equal treatment will avoid hurt feelings down the road. Your mom and MIL aren't the same, but you're going to need to use the same treatment or you're laying groundwork for trouble.

    I think he understands you perfectly. You may not be understanding that he is using the "equal treatment" principle. You've got to do things the same or you'll REALLY know the meaning of MIL trouble.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:17 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • I think we have the same IL's. The truth is it's not odd at all for you to be closer to your mom. She is your mother. The thing is, and I'm sure you know but I doubt if he'll ever see it this way, his mother won't tolerate other's opinions or right to live how they want without inflicting herself on others. It's rude of her but he'll likely always defend her to the point of stupidity because she is his mother. Just tell him how you feel. He gets along with your mother because she is different from his mother. She knows boundaries. You have to be careful about this though. If you don't do it right or use the wrong words or attitude, he will turn on you. Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:30 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • I would ask him to give reasons why you mom can't do something that you don't want his mom doing, and if he has a reasonable explanation fine, but if it just because you don't want his mom to do it that isn't a good answer, each person in a family gets treated differently based on their actions, and if he is just mad you don't like his mom that is silly, but you really need to have a good long talk. I think he is offended and doesn't see your point, it takes a while sometimes so talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.....
    truealaskanmom

    Answer by truealaskanmom at 5:33 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • I agree with hubby... the rules should apply to both families.
    Everyone thinks their family (well not everyone but most everyone that gets along with theirs) knows the rules, and respects them etc and expects the hubby/wife to feel the same way but you can't really expect that... he feels the same way about his parents that you do about his. He may even like yours more, but he loves his the same as you do yours.
    I agree with him... if you say "no one over" then that means NO ONE, no friends, no family, no one unless you're equal.
    I understand where you're coming from, but you could say "From 6-8 pm you can come and need to be gone by 8 because we want to set a schedule and give our other child time to bond with the little one and not see everyone oooohhhing and awwing over the baby (which almost always happens making the older sibling feel left out).
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 5:38 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • i think that your dh has an idea how u really feel and thats y he says same for your mom. he loves his own mom even if u dont lk her so much.he likes yr mom because he loves u.they may get along better because he can have the type of relationship he wants with her. it sounds as if his mom is a bit more rigid. he knows what her boundries r.i would try to explain that u need yr own mom to help out because she will do as u ask and u r not comfortable asking his mom because u dont want to offend her.tell him if he would talk(deal wirh)his mom how much u would appreciate it as it would b less stress for u.then he can tell his mom whatever and u dont need to even know what he tells her.u need to stay as destressed as u can.when u r up to it i would try to invite your mil to come for a visit and do your best to b welcoming because u love your dh.i know its difficult but u did know this was a possibility at least when u married.GL.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:42 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

  • wow i am in the same boat, like exactly lol, tell me if you find something that works lol
    xxSummaxx13

    Answer by xxSummaxx13 at 7:42 PM on Mar. 8, 2010

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