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can anyone tell me what my problem is......

about 1/2 year ago my husband cheated on me... since then i dont know who i am ...who i have become.. he has always looked at porn 6 years of our marriage and now it bothers me, he is in the army and has to sometimes transport females around and now it bothers me.. i don't know why, i don't know if i am changing as a person or if i am just lost.. i dont know what to do, it seems like everyday there is something else that bothers me. i think my mother raised me to sheltered and i never saw the truths of men, love and sex.. sex is starting to sicken me and i dont feel the same when we make love.. it used to be making love now its just sex, porn is just sex, the affair was just sex,... it seems like my whole life and what i thought i new was wrong... my husband says its never just sex with us but i dont know what i believe anymore, how can all these things have nothing really to do with me and yet affect me so much..

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:59 AM on Mar. 9, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I think your problem is that you have been deeply wounded and you are not healing very well. Part of the problem may be that your husband has not adequately apologized to you and admitted guilt for the deep hurt he has caused you. Also, the fact that he is still looking at porn and lusting after bodies other than your own is harmful to your emotions. Sexual relations with our husbands is more emotional than it is physical, and since he has damaged your feelings for him along with your trust in him, it's no wonder that you are feeling disconnected from him. There is a vast difference between just having sex and in making love. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think that in your situation, I would be having the exact same problems as you are having. I think I would tell him that if he really wants the marriage to work, he should give up his porn and concentrate all his attentions on the marriage.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:48 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • You're dealing with the aftermath of your husband cheating on you. All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal. You don't trust him b/c he cheated on you; that's normal. You will look at everyday situations and see them as opportunities to cheat. It will take time and tons of effort on his part for you to trust him again. You may want to consider not having sex for a while, while you two try to work things out. Counseling can also be a huge help, too. If he truly is remorseful, and regrets what he did, you guys can work it out and get past it. What you are feeling does not mean that it's over or that there's anything wrong with you. If, after counseling and time, you still feel this way, then it may be time to re-evaluate and consider ending the marriage.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:05 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Your problem is you accepted the cheating and now it is getting to you, your trust as been shattered and this is a difficult thing to get back, maybe counseling will help. And for the record all these things do have to do with you, being raised sheltered has nothing to do with principles and morals, face the fact that he wasn't what you expected. There are men out there who are trustworthy and beleive in the sanctity of marriage.
    older

    Answer by older at 8:10 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Your age and his? How many children?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:13 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Op here.. i am 29 he is 30 and we have 2 children , i don't see how it matters though
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:17 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • it bothers you because he's not the person you thought he was. of course you're going to be bothered by him looking at porn or being around other women. he's proven he can't be trusted. you're sickened by sex with him because of what he did to you and your family. i'm so sorry you are going through this. i really hope you find the strength to do what makes you and your children happy. i may get bashed for this, but i think a person who cheats on their spouse really doesn't care about their family at all.
    Michelle451

    Answer by Michelle451 at 8:26 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • You need to go see a counseler. Either together or you alone. It will help.
    phantomphan

    Answer by phantomphan at 8:40 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • I personally could not live with a man who made a decision to decieve me. I could not look in his face, or ever sleep with him again. If he broke my trust one time, i will not stick around in HOPES that he wouldn't do it again. I'm better than that & i deserve better than that.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:07 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • An affair is a huge betrayal of trust, it's going to take time before you can move on from that. What you're feeling is pretty normal I'd say, your world was turned upside down. I suggest couples counseling, as well as individual counseling for yourself. You are both going to have to work hard to get through this, it's not easy - almost impossible to truly work through without a professional.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:08 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • If you are questioning yourself and who you are I don't think it's all about the cheating. I think the cheating revealed something that is more deep rooted within yourself. It's given you an opportunity to find your true self. Embrace that journey. You will have to find a way to let the cheating go otherwise you are giving that other woman control over your life but use that energy from the anger & hurt to go down the path to find "you". Turn a lemon into lemonade. This whole experience can make you stronger and can make your marriage stronger if that is what you want.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:11 AM on Mar. 9, 2010