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an "open marriage"

dh and I have been married for 10 years. we married right out of highschool and had our first about 1.5 years later. we have 5 kids. While as parents we can agree and I feel we do a good job, as husband and wife... we just keep "screwing it up". he has had an affair. He left me and was going to pursue a relationship with this lady, but she couldn't handle that dispite our "marriage" issues, dh and were still bestfriends. WE keep trying to do this whole marriage "right" according to traditional standards, but its just not working. WE have given up looking at our marriage as "forever" as that just seems like a joke these days anyway. A few months ago we flat out laid out our expectations of eachother...not the expectations set out by traditional marriage standards. I expect him to put our children first, and honesty and openess, he simply expects openness and for me to just "be there". and we have decided to try...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on Mar. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (26)
  • Is there a question here?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:17 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • cont... our marriage based out our expectations insttead of the expectations that we feel the world is pressuring us. I never felt hurt that he had sex with another woman, I felt hurt that he didn't feel comftorble talking with me about his struggles prior to it occuring. He didn't feel hurt that I was angry and mean towards him, he felt hurt that I didn't come to him while struggling with depression. Since we set down our expectations, our marriage has improved, we are talking to eachother, sex is great, and we are working more as a team with money, the kids, and our home. I confided in a friend and she thinks that we should just get a divorce because she feels that monogomy is the key to a healthy marriage. But I have met very few couples who are "faithful" who are actually happy in their marriage. Is it really that wrong that we give our marriage this last chance and do it our way instead the traditional way?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:17 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Do whatever works for you, as long as your kids are happy and well-adjusted.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:19 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • I guess in a way I have that kind of marriage too. We're not intimate because of his cheating. he won't admit it, take responsibility for what he's done to us. But i respect that the debt we're in is from both of us and I don't want that debt to grown with him supporting two household to whatever degree he would.

    Has he been intimate with someone else or more than one? I believe so emotionally for sure and probably physically. It does make me very very sad but I work hard at focusing on what's right morally FOR ME. THAT helps me get through.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:20 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • What ever works for you, should come first!!
    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 11:20 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • I think since you didn't have jealousy about him sleeping with someone else, that you might be able to make it work. The thing is that you have to be careful about diseases, and being discrete around your children. There should be no talking about the open side of your marriage where they can hear. I would leave them feeling anxious and give them a bad example.
    Good luck!
    SleepingBeautee

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 11:23 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • sorry for my stupidity- you're having sex with hubby and working things out, I thought not early on in your first part, and hubby also sleeps with other women or another woman? That's infidelity then and I'd be worried about std. I'd rather not be intimate and get along better in other ways than to risk my kids believing it's a way to have a marriage or relationship. That's how I decide things -what's the best way in today's world, society for my kids to grow? My own answers are in that question.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:24 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Kids do hear, if parents are screaming and fighting where things are loudly overheard then ears are pressed against doors and walls , kids sitting on steps listening in with different emotions of UH OH BOY IS MOM/DAD INNN T R O U B L E!!! Or OH NO ANOTHER FIGHT!!!!!

    Kids hear EVERYTHING!!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • op here... anon 11.26 not sure I get what your saying. We don't "fight". Its just not us. WE have arguments, but usually they are just talked out debates. Both of us have pretty laid back personalities and if we disagree we just kind of push it aside till we are able to give it time to settle. I think its healthy for kids to see their parents had disagrements (not fights) and to see them work it out. And we would never bring another person home... our home is our "sanctuary" from the real world and a personal place for both of us. Even if we were divorced living in seperate homes, I can't see either one of us bringing home a date... its just doesn't work that way for us.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:36 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • I couldn't have an open marriage. I am too jealous. I don't know what it feels like to not care if my husband slept with others. I guess if I doesn't bother you then what you want. Do ask yourself how you will feel if he happens t fall in love with someone else.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 11:43 AM on Mar. 9, 2010

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