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Me & my preteen daughter going through the world winds.

I know most of the strain on our relationship is my fault. We used to have a close relationship back when she was between the ages of birth to 6yrs old (but btwn the ages of birth to 3yrs old i hardly spent time w/her bc i was trying to finish high school & worked full time as well. Then I let other things come between us. I met a guy when my dd was seven & we eventually moved in with him. I would often put him first before my dd or she would be at a relatives house alot. (I had my dd when i was 16 btw) not an excuse but alot of times i've felt like i didn't know the impact of my actions. So a yr goes by & i become preganant w/my 2nd dd. She didn't take the pregancy well. I guess she thgt i wouldnt love her anymore. My baby is now almost 2yrs old & i've left the abusive relationship w/her father (my ex). But my relationship w/my t10yr old is still broken. Were in counseling now but she feels so distant. (cont)

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on Mar. 9, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (12)
  • OP
    I just want to know how to gain a close emotional relationship with her again. And show her that she can trust me. I feel like I've let her down with all the bad choices i've made the past few yrs. How do i fix this on top of going to counseling?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:40 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Have you tired sitting her down & letting her now that you are sorry for the mistakes you have made. Try a girls night out once a week or every two weeks. Have you also asked her if she wants to continue counseling?(maybe she does not want to any more)
    itsallabtthem84

    Answer by itsallabtthem84 at 4:48 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • The only thing you can do is to try and EARN her trust. You broke it, you have to earn it back.

    Make time for her, show interest in the things she does, praise her for her good work, make her a priority in your life, and be consistent.

    BTW, I am a little offended by your reference to being a teen mom. I was too- I had my dd when I was 16, she'll be 9 in a few days... I left home with her when I was 17, had a failed marriage (SEVERE abuse), 2 more children... BUT my babies come before ANY man. They are my responsibility to care for, guide and protect. NO man is worth losing any of them over, which is why I am now divorced.
    I'm not giving you a tongue lashing, but get your priorities straight!
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 4:51 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • OP

    ObbyDobbie-- I wasnt bashing teen moms, why would i bash myself for being a teen mom? I was stating a FACT. I was a young teen mother &, as a young teen mom, I had hardly any idea of how to be a parent to my child. Not only that, but I never had anybody to SHOW me how to be a good mother or a mother at all. My mother commited suiced when i was 3.. THREE!! I never had a mother to look at & imitate. My father raised me by himself but he was very verbally abusive and an alcoholic. I practically raised myself growing up. This wasnt supposed to turn into my life story here but these are the things that happend in my life which played a part in the things i did. Im trying hard to fix them now. And I need advice from good, experienced mothers to give me some wise words.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:59 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • I think its awesome that you guys are in counseling and that you now have such a strong desire to have a relationship with her. It took 10 years for her to lose her trust in you so remember that it will also take time to gain it. Just continue to love her, spend time with her. Take her and your other child to the park and just play. Do what she likes to do and enjoy it...no matter how boring it is to you, lol.
    I don't have a good relationship with my mom because she was and is always so interested in HER interests but never mine. My dad was different and although he worked 12 hours a day I still have the closer relationhip with him. Its all about time shared together, listening to and learning each other.
    I'm happy for your family...some moms and dads don't realize this until their children are adults or they never realize it at all.
    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 5:03 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • Leave notes for her at different times, NOT in her lunch bag that can be very embarrassing, and tell you write me if you want about anything ... in the bathroom for when she goes in there, on her bed, on a plate.

    Ask her for menus she wants, have her prepare them cuz you're busy with x and can't do it ....

    Let her know in different ways that you acknowledge you've not been around but you're there now and you're not going anywhere. Make sure she knows in different ways that she now comes before boyfriends of yours.

    Tape a chart somewhere, inthe kitchen where she cansee it but don't tell her at first what it is -write down different things she's done good -on time for school. Fed little brother, picked up some things. Let her SEE and READ that you know she's done some good things inspite of and in addition to things that upset you.

    Ask her or comment to her people you both know who would parent specifically likeu want to.
    lfl

    Answer by lfl at 5:06 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • ObbyDobbie she obviously has got her priorities straight now. She was a young mom who wasn't wise with her relationship and parenting decision. Thats changing...praise that and let her move on.
    MamaChamp

    Answer by MamaChamp at 5:08 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • OP

    MamaChamp-- Thank you for your kind words mama. :-)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:11 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • If she is interested, maybe start writing letters back and forth. If she is closing down, this might be a way to get a foot in the door, so to speak. You could get a journal and swap it back and forth. Writing letters might be a better way for both of you to express all you feel without being proud or distracted or whatever. And remember to validate her feelings (verbal or written). It may feel exhausting at times- like why are you punishing me, I know I did wrong, but I am trying now. But you have to remember that her feelings and experiences are valid, even if they are exaggerated or different from how you remember something. Don't correct her, acknowledge her pain. Try just repeating what she says, say I understand, then say that you can't change the past but you want to have a relationship now. Even if you have to just repeat that as your mantra. If you can, try to take some time to be with just her. After dd2 is asleep.
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 6:01 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

  • again, if you could read what I said. I am not giving you a tongue lashing.

    Being defensive only makes one appear guilty.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 6:01 PM on Mar. 9, 2010

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